Starting Over
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
In case you missed it...
Friday's flameful post is still going... if you thought Jaksmom was bad check out FF. Wow
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/64733512.aspx
Re: In case you missed it...
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I'm still not convinced she isn't Liubot. A lot of similarities
Like?
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
good call...
both with their boyfriend the same amount of time, DV, Liubot wouldn't have pressed charges, Liubot would've call her bf her "knight in shining armour". Maybe not, there are lots of nuts out there but they remind me of each other and FF showed up shortly after Liubot GBCSO
Hmmm...it does make sense.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
There is a lot of good advice in that thread...it's just not being taken well by the recipient bc of the way it's being said. I love this board, but that thread is a little out of control on so many levels...
And as always, Kellbell is spot on.
Carrots, I have to disagree a little on this. I don't think that FF should be doing "whatever" she needs to in order to stay away from XBF. That is how you go straight from one abusive relationship to another.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
It's not being taken by the recipient because she doesn't want advice. She already knows that what she is doing is stupid but she doesn't care. Some people thrive on drama.
You missed the point of my post. Her post was half about the abusive ex and half about the guy she spent the weekend with. Everyone told her to get a protective order and stay away from the random guy. She responded she had a PO and minimized the contact she had with the random guy. People jumped down her throat for spending the weekend with random guy. My point was the following:
1) You do not berate someone who just left an abusive situation. It makes them feel judged when they are already feeling very badly about themselves. It also makes them reluctant to reach out to people on this board, when the board could be used as a support system. Your tone and your point should be expressed in a way that encourages her to stay out of the situation where her life is in danger.
2) I did tell her she needed to focus on herself and getting emotionally healthy and that the random guy was a short term fix. Beating her up about it still doesn't accomplish anything. Focusing on it over the issue where her life is at risk makes no sense.
Flitty acknowledged she knew she shouldn't be having contact with random dude. Beating her up about it accomplishes nothing. Some people who come on here do need to be told they're idiots. Someone who got an abusive relationship less than a week ago is probably not one of those people. If your goal is to support and help someone, talk to that person in a way that will encourage them to help themselves.
That whole thread reeks of hypocrisy to me. I'm not SO, people get annoyed about me being on this board and being too harsh sometimes, but I don't think that as an outsider I've ever been as downright nasty to a poster on here as some regulars were to each other.
ETA: when I said the new guy could be addressed later, I meant addressed later by the Board. She had already said she was done with him, everyone had already told her nicely to stay away. No need to beat a dead horse.
This is true....people love the drama.
My ex was abusive and I did everything in my power to stay away from him, get a PO, get the apartment to change the locks, etc. I don't see how that is uncommon. Maybe I need to go read it again...
I couldn't agree more, but be careful! I did it last week and got flamed to holy hell for it!!! In fact, it was the same post. Apparently on this board you need to tell people gently, no matter how badly they may need to be hit upside the head to get it.
ETA: "Hit upside the head" is a figurative term. I don't mean it literally and I'm not condoning violence. Don't need to be flamed again.
Maybe I missed something... I know some people were blunt, but I don't remember them being "nasty".
I can honeslty say I was in no way being mean. I simply reminded her about what SHE said. I was not trying to beat her up, just gently remind her of her own words. Maybe the fact that this is all done through typing is throwing people off.
Yep. I have thought this since day 1. She showed up right after Liubot left, seemed to already "know" everyone here. She talked about her BF rescuing her, talked about smoking pot, got beaten up by her BF, she's not taking advice. Every post she makes is full of drama. If she isn't Liubot, then they are long lost twins.
Kellbell, maybe I didn't understand your entire post but I think you missed some of FFs (or I GROSSLY misunderstood).
I read your post as "it doesn't matter what you do to stay away from XBF". I understand that this isn't what you totally meant. My intent was not to "beat up" FF; I think you misunderstood me. FF was open about her intent with new guy and even said
"I'm not planning on sleeping with this dude at all for a very very very long time."
This means that she is NOT done with him if she is already "planning" out when she will have sex with him and therefore ripe for another abusive relationship.
ETA: she also posted in the FFFC how she viewed this guy as "aggressive".
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I agree with this. Did not read any replies that were tearing her down, just peeps showing genuine concern and giving honest advice. KB you are overreacting a bit IMO. No worries.
I think we can agree to disagree. I saw a lot of name calling in the thread as a whole (telling people they're bad moms, telling people they're selling bullshit) and I thought the tone towards flitty got hostile and counterproductive quickly. The advice ghostzelda gave about tone affecting how constructive advice is taken was smart. I get really upset when I see people talking to victims of DV and trying to jam advice down their throats or make them do things the way you think is best because its just unrealistic and it cuts off support systems that someone might really desperately need. Even sadder is that I really don't think that's anyone's intent. A chase struck a good balance for example by saying hey, its a bad decision, look into why you're making it.
Anyway, I'm going to stop responding but didn't want to just disappear and be rude.I do stand by my original post, I think flitty's ex is still a threat, I think that's a more important issue, but I think there is a sympathetic and productive way to address both and that line was crossed. I try not to post here a lot and I know you all intend to be supportive and helpful to one another as a rule, but I had too many concerns about the way that post was handled and the implications it had for her to just ignore it.
I am one of the last people who would condone jumping from an abusive relationship to a codependent abusive relationship so I'm sorry if I came across that way. For some reason I thought she said she was done with him. I think if people press her nicely she will be able to acknowledge/admit she knows this a bad fit and a codependent bandaid. I do wish you all luck with that.
ok I missed a lot of the back story, but having been through DV situation, Kell's explaination makes a lot of sense...what she posted above. I don't think anyone was TRYING to be malicious, but there really is a fine line on how to approach it, especially on something so impersonal as a message board.
I'm not going to comment on everything else in that thread....yea...
Agree to disagree. And I just want to make it perfectly clear--I don't have an issue with you nor do I have ANY issues with you posting on SO. In fact, I welcome it. I don't know why you don't post here (no answer needed) but when you do post you do so in an appropriate manner. You don't agree = you speak up. Nothing wrong with that and I actually like that you do that.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04