Relationships
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In desperate need of relationship advice
I love my fianc?. he is my first love. We met when I was 18 and he was 19. We have been together for 3 and a half years, engaged since August and getting married at the end of June this year. We have a great relationship. We never fight or argue. We have a 19 month old son together. We are just about to buy a home together. Everything was perfect until last week..
On our way home from the grocery store he turned down the radio and said that his ex had texted him 2 days prior and said she was moving to California and they talked for a little bit. He said that it brought back feelings for her and it made him feel bad that she was leaving and he wished he could see her before she left. I was shocked I feel so betrayed. He said that he didn?t want those feelings for her and he wants to go to therapy to get rid of it. She was his first love, high school sweetheart. They were together for 2 and a half years. It makes me feel sick? I know hes just trying to be honest and he doesn?t want those feelings but I cant help but feel horrible. He wants to still get married and I know he loves me but I don?t want to share his love with someone else. Why cant my love and our life together be enough to get rid of those feelings? I don?t understand..
We are about to get married I don?t know what to do. Our wedding is upwards of $20,000. If we cancel or postpone. we will lose so much money and there is no way I will ever be able to have that dream wedding that I had planned and dreamed of my entire life but I don?t want to marry someone who may not be able to get over feelings for his ex? I don?t know if we should cancel or continue on and put faith in he can get rid of these feelings..
Does anyone else still have feelings for there first love? I need advice what would you do?
Re: In desperate need of relationship advice
That's not really a good thing.
You should most definitely put the wedding on hold. Losing some deposits is a lot cheaper than an unhappy marriage that ends in divorce, youknowwhatI'msaying?
Counseling is a good idea, but I don't know how much it can help. Honestly, you guys are settling down way too early in your lives, so if he's already experiencing a twinge of wondering what else there is out there, I don't have a lot of hope this will be the last time it happens.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Cali is wise. And believe me an unhappy marriage and the cost of divorce Will be way more than some lost deposits.
I'm too baffled at you thinking it was a good idea to have a kid and get married at 20-21.
If you wanted your "dream wedding" you should have planned your life out better. All you've done is planned out the dream divorce before you even got to the wedding. If he was only 19 when you met and she was his high school sweetheart, then he couldn't have been that long out of that relationship before he got with you. And if your kid is 19 months then you had to have gotten pregnant relatively quickly after that.
I don't know what to tell you. It sounds like you're oversensitive and immaturely jealous. He didn't say he was still in love with her but you're all- "IT SHOULD ALL JUST BE ABOUT ME!!!". He didn't cheat on you. He didn't have to tell you. But he's like 22. This is what happens with 22 yr old guys and you're acting how 21 yr old girls act. There's no advice except you both need to grow up. And fast. Because now you're parents.
Wow I wanted advice but you are just plain rude. There is no need to be so harsh
I got pregnant while I was taking birth control pills. I never missed taking any, it just happened a year into our relationship. Our son was a complete accident but the best thing that ever happened. I love my baby, I am a great mom and I am most definitely grown up so don?t judge my parenting.
I am a human being of course I feel jealous and hurt it was a lot to take in. I know it?s not all about me. I just don?t know what the next step to take is...
I think you took them to the wrong place.
what do you mean? I guess I dont get what your saying.
They aren't suppositories. You're doing it wrong.
Mucho likes purple nails and purple cupcakes
this
::nods::
I mean, the best I can say is would you rather have your $20,000 dream wedding that you're already uncertain about-- or lose some money and ensure that this is the man that you want to be with for the rest of your life and that he feels the same way about you.
Can vacation be now please?
I actually think that you sound like you have a fairly good head on your shoulders. I get that the baby wasn't planned and things like that do happen, you've obviously dealt with that part and I'll assume things are going well with the child.
I like the fact that your FI TOLD you that he was experiencing some confusing feelings for his ex before you get married and wants to try to work through them on his own.
I also like the fact that you seem to be looking at what is best for YOU in this situation and are against marrying someone who might not be ready. A lot of people would marry them and try to figure it out afterwards which rarely ends well.
If I was you. I'd post pone the wedding, or cancel for now. Don't set a new date. Spend some time figuring things out. It might be costly but it's far better than being in a bad marriage or getting a divorce a year later. You're very young, I know that having a kid already probably changes things and makes you want to move along faster but I'd hold off, take your time and make sure that this is 100% right. Let him work through his stuff by himself, and you take that time to concentrate on yourself and what you need in the future. Maybe it will take some time apart to recognize what you need. If you end up deciding a year from now that you ARE the right ones for each other then get married, it won't be as fancy maybe but that's not what's important in a wedding anyway, right. And if you figure out that you just shouldn't be together then at least you likely won't end up hating each other in the end.
You will both be attracted to other people during the course of your relationship. That's natural. And if you all are normally pretty open and honest, its a good thing that he recognized how he felt and acknowledged it openly. It's also normal to idealize someone you're no longer dating or to feel nostalgic for a relationship, or the period during your life when you were in that relationship.
DH and I met and started dating when we were 19. Part of being together from such a young age is understanding that sometimes you will wonder "what if" or how your life had been different if you hadn't met and gone through life together. That's something both of you will need to come to terms with. Despite my "what ifs" I'm glad I chose to be with DH and am glad we've basically grown up together.
Granted, what your FI has expressed to you is more serious than what I'm describing but I am trying to give context. Some doubts or concerns are normal at your age, and it is ok for him to have them and ok for you to feel somewhat hurt by that. It just means you all need to continue to work through that. I wouldn't be in a big rush to force the marriage as it sounds like you both still have some growing up to do, as a couple and separately. Can you postpone for a year and keep your deposits? Sell your deposits to another bride who is interested in that day?
I don't think it's particularly immature to not want to be with a guy who still has feelings for someone else, to want to be with someone who only has feelings for you.
I'd cut him loose. No matter what happens after this, you'll always remember that he had feelings for her while he was with you.
"We are about to get married I don?t know what to do. Our wedding is upwards of $20,000. If we cancel or postpone. we will lose so much money".
I'm not saying anything either way really, but just FYI my sister-in-law got married knowing it was a mistake, but didn't want to disappoint anyone. Her $10,000 wedding turned into a $50,000 divorce and custody battle that has bankrupted her parents.
Again, not saying you "know" it's a mistake or not, just letting you know that money is not a good reason to get married.
Joey and Laura ~~ Married June 12, 2010
Cassiopeia, B.B., and Misfit
God some people are rude. First off I don't see what your age really has to do with anything. I'm 21 and my husband and I have a great relationship. Nothing wrong with not fighting either, why does everyone assume because you don't fight you keep your problems hidden? A mature discussion without fighting and yelling is always a better option, we don't ever "fight" either. Also birth control isn't 100% effective so it hardly means you took it wrong. I was on birth control as well as a diaphragm and spermicide and our baby is due this June. Now moving on from the judgmental idiots on here..
It shows he really trusts you and cares about you that he told you something so personal that could potentially harm your relationship. That kind of honesty is a VERY GOOD sign. And he trusts you a lot to share that stuff with you. Trusts you not to fly off the handle, so that's what you have to do for him, even if you want to rip his nuts off. I can understand your feelings of betrayal and all that, I've been there, but his feelings can't be helped and the fact that he wants to go and get them taken care of with therapy is once again, a VERY GOOD sign. Let him go to therapy (make sure he blocks her phone number etc. though, it's hard to let something like that go and he needs to never talk to her again if he's going to be marrying you) and just try not to think about it. He loves you, he's honest with you, and you have a family, that's what matters. No relationship is perfect.
But my last point, the dream wedding. Truly, truly not the most important part. A wedding is just that, 3-4 hours of food, possibly some dancing, something you'll remember and your guests won't. Seriously, no one cares if your centerpieces didn't cost 200 each or that your dress is couture. I got married for around 4,000, everyone had a great time and I'm now married. Which is the whole point. No matter how much money you pour into it, it WILL NOT be your dream wedding. Things will go wrong. So try to remember what's important that day, and it's your new husband, not your bouquet.
You used 3 forms of birth control and still managed to get pregnant? It's either the second coming of Christ or you are completely inept. Guess which option gets my vote? GUESS!
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton