Let's Flame each other...

LandOBiscuit

GOZF is right. Breaking things off with the married guy it is the 1st step in this direction. Seriously, delete and block his number. Don't spend any time on him anymore. 

UDscoobychick

nyg&p:

Thanks JoJo.  I'm definitely going to bust my a$$ to be the best mother I can be and although I did have a moment of weakness, you're right I should not contact him again.  When I feel sad or helpless or sorry for myself, talking to him has always made me feel better and I need to come up with an alternative when I feel that way bc more times than not, when I reach out to him I feel worse in the end anyways.

Can you call a counselor, a family member, a girlfriend, etc.?  It would be good to establish someone else as your support system when you're feeling down.

nyg&p

GhostofZeldaFitzgerald:

That kind of thinking?  It's what gets you into trouble.  Knock it off.  I mean it.  Knock it the hell off.  You need to realize how valuable a person you are.  You need to believe it, and to demand that people treat you accordingly.  Self-loathing isn't going to get you anywhere good. You sound like a nice person, and clearly you don't have trouble attracting men.  (That's not a dig.  It's just true.)  If you believe you don't deserve someone "good," then you're going to continue picknig the wrong people.  You're better than that.  So quit it!

Thank you.  I know; self loathing is such an unattractive quality.  By "societal standards" I'm told I'm pretty and I think it sometimes.  I am in-shape and work out and take care of myself.  I was pretty beaten down emotionally when I was small and my worth was always based off of how attractive I was and the way in which I was presented and presented myself, so that's the hardest wall to break through in therapy.  It's crumbling, but it's still tall and looming.  It lead to a really messed up sense of sexuality and the way I let men approach and interact with me.

This baby is never going to know how it feels to be valued only on outward appearance like I was.  I'm totally effed up now bc of it as far as self esteem and self worth go.

GhostofZeldaFitzgerald

nyg&p:

GhostofZeldaFitzgerald:

That kind of thinking?  It's what gets you into trouble.  Knock it off.  I mean it.  Knock it the hell off.  You need to realize how valuable a person you are.  You need to believe it, and to demand that people treat you accordingly.  Self-loathing isn't going to get you anywhere good. You sound like a nice person, and clearly you don't have trouble attracting men.  (That's not a dig.  It's just true.)  If you believe you don't deserve someone "good," then you're going to continue picknig the wrong people.  You're better than that.  So quit it!

Thank you.  I know; self loathing is such an unattractive quality.  By "societal standards" I'm told I'm pretty and I think it sometimes.  I am in-shape and work out and take care of myself.  I was pretty beaten down emotionally when I was small and my worth was always based off of how attractive I was and the way in which I was presented and presented myself, so that's the hardest wall to break through in therapy.  It's crumbling, but it's still tall and looming.  It lead to a really messed up sense of sexuality and the way I let men approach and interact with me.

This baby is never going to know how it feels to be valued only on outward appearance like I was.  I'm totally effed up now bc of it as far as self esteem and self worth go.

Stop beating yourself up.  Truly.  You need to be more kind to yourself.

I'm sorry that you had a rough go of things.  I hate to hear that.  You do deserve better, and I know how hard to can be to shake trauma.  The good news is, you seem to be really aware of why you sometimes make the choices you do.  That's great.  That means you've already unpacked it a bit.  Now that you know why you do what you do, you can work  on different and more constructive ways of coping and dealing.

You're going to be fine.  I believe that.  I really hope you start believing it soon.

JoJo+Leo

nyg&p:

Thank you.  I know; self loathing is such an unattractive quality.  By "societal standards" I'm told I'm pretty and I think it sometimes.  I am in-shape and work out and take care of myself.  I was pretty beaten down emotionally when I was small and my worth was always based off of how attractive I was and the way in which I was presented and presented myself, so that's the hardest wall to break through in therapy.  It's crumbling, but it's still tall and looming.  It lead to a really messed up sense of sexuality and the way I let men approach and interact with me.

This baby is never going to know how it feels to be valued only on outward appearance like I was.  I'm totally effed up now bc of it as far as self esteem and self worth go.

*Hugs* Girl, you are worth may more than your looks.  I am sorry people made you feel that way.  I was always told my sister was the pretty one, I was the smart one and I think classifying young girls in that way is bad.  I spent a good portion of my early twenties trying to prove I was pretty by going through men. I am glad you are in therapy and recognize this is not how you want to be with your child.  You really will be a great mom.  It gets better.  Lean on those you can (family, friends, this board) when you are feeling low. 

nyg&p

UDscoobychick:

nyg&p:

Thanks JoJo.  I'm definitely going to bust my a$$ to be the best mother I can be and although I did have a moment of weakness, you're right I should not contact him again.  When I feel sad or helpless or sorry for myself, talking to him has always made me feel better and I need to come up with an alternative when I feel that way bc more times than not, when I reach out to him I feel worse in the end anyways.

Can you call a counselor, a family member, a girlfriend, etc.?  It would be good to establish someone else as your support system when you're feeling down.

I can definitely do that.  I have a helluva lot of support as far as staying away from him goes.  I slipped yesterday and that's why I wanted to get flamed for it today.  In the past, I would have continued messaging with him today and I would have told him how much I miss him, blah blah blah, but I haven't and I'm proud of myself for already ending it. 

He was such a support for me for so long I think I almost wanted him to let me know that I could be a good mom and raise this baby on my own.  The validation, I guess, and he gave it to me and now I'm done.  I hate that I needed his "approval", but I'm glad that I'm not still reaching out to him now.

+Black Kitty+

JoJo+Leo:

nyg&p:

Thank you.  I know; self loathing is such an unattractive quality.  By "societal standards" I'm told I'm pretty and I think it sometimes.  I am in-shape and work out and take care of myself.  I was pretty beaten down emotionally when I was small and my worth was always based off of how attractive I was and the way in which I was presented and presented myself, so that's the hardest wall to break through in therapy.  It's crumbling, but it's still tall and looming.  It lead to a really messed up sense of sexuality and the way I let men approach and interact with me.

This baby is never going to know how it feels to be valued only on outward appearance like I was.  I'm totally effed up now bc of it as far as self esteem and self worth go.

*Hugs* Girl, you are worth may more than your looks.  I am sorry people made you feel that way.  I was always told my sister was the pretty one, I was the smart one and I think classifying young girls in that way is bad.  I spent a good portion of my early twenties trying to prove I was pretty by going through men. I am glad you are in therapy and recognize this is not how you want to be with your child.  You really will be a great mom.  It gets better.  Lean on those you can (family, friends, this board) when you are feeling low. 

OMG my sister says to their faces that one of her daughters is the smart one and one is the pretty one.  I call her out on it and she says "Oh, they don't care" 

JoJo+Leo

+Black Kitty+:

JoJo+Leo:

nyg&p:

Thank you.  I know; self loathing is such an unattractive quality.  By "societal standards" I'm told I'm pretty and I think it sometimes.  I am in-shape and work out and take care of myself.  I was pretty beaten down emotionally when I was small and my worth was always based off of how attractive I was and the way in which I was presented and presented myself, so that's the hardest wall to break through in therapy.  It's crumbling, but it's still tall and looming.  It lead to a really messed up sense of sexuality and the way I let men approach and interact with me.

This baby is never going to know how it feels to be valued only on outward appearance like I was.  I'm totally effed up now bc of it as far as self esteem and self worth go.

*Hugs* Girl, you are worth may more than your looks.  I am sorry people made you feel that way.  I was always told my sister was the pretty one, I was the smart one and I think classifying young girls in that way is bad.  I spent a good portion of my early twenties trying to prove I was pretty by going through men. I am glad you are in therapy and recognize this is not how you want to be with your child.  You really will be a great mom.  It gets better.  Lean on those you can (family, friends, this board) when you are feeling low. 

OMG my sister says to their faces that one of her daughters is the smart one and one is the pretty one.  I call her out on it and she says "Oh, they don't care" 

   DUDE! My MOM never said it.  It was more extended relatives and "friends" (AKA-"Yeah your sister is prettier, but at least you are smarter!")  I think I would cry myself to sleep if my mom told me my sister is the pretty one and my sister would do the same if my mom said I was the smart one.

+Black Kitty+

JoJo+Leo:

+Black Kitty+:

JoJo+Leo:

nyg&p:

Thank you.  I know; self loathing is such an unattractive quality.  By "societal standards" I'm told I'm pretty and I think it sometimes.  I am in-shape and work out and take care of myself.  I was pretty beaten down emotionally when I was small and my worth was always based off of how attractive I was and the way in which I was presented and presented myself, so that's the hardest wall to break through in therapy.  It's crumbling, but it's still tall and looming.  It lead to a really messed up sense of sexuality and the way I let men approach and interact with me.

This baby is never going to know how it feels to be valued only on outward appearance like I was.  I'm totally effed up now bc of it as far as self esteem and self worth go.

*Hugs* Girl, you are worth may more than your looks.  I am sorry people made you feel that way.  I was always told my sister was the pretty one, I was the smart one and I think classifying young girls in that way is bad.  I spent a good portion of my early twenties trying to prove I was pretty by going through men. I am glad you are in therapy and recognize this is not how you want to be with your child.  You really will be a great mom.  It gets better.  Lean on those you can (family, friends, this board) when you are feeling low. 

OMG my sister says to their faces that one of her daughters is the smart one and one is the pretty one.  I call her out on it and she says "Oh, they don't care" 

   DUDE! My MOM never said it.  It was more extended relatives and "friends" (AKA-"Yeah your sister is prettier, but at least you are smarter!")  I think I would cry myself to sleep if my mom told me my sister is the pretty one and my sister would do the same if my mom said I was the smart one.

I know, the "pretty one" never talks either... she's so shy.  I feel so bad for her

ReturnOfKuus

turtle1120:

I'm going to disagree with you.  Regardless of how the baby got here, the father is still just as much responsible as the mother.  If he didn't want a baby, then he should have insisted on a condom.  If one was used and it failed, why is it more the mother's fault than his?

Children are entitled to CS regardless of the circumstances surrounding conception.  It is for the child, not for the mother.  Even if the mother was reckless, the child shouldn't be punished for that.

 

This is exactly the kind of thinking that the crazy fundie Republicans are using in order to take away women's choices.  It's all for the kid, not the parent, because the parent doesn't matter.  If she didn't want to be pregnant, then she should have used birth control or never ever ever had sex ever.

It's bullsh*t.  If a woman has a right to decide after conception whether or not she wants to be a parent in any way (whether that means being physically present or just sending money), then so does a man.

RedRedWine2

ReturnOfKuus:

turtle1120:

I'm going to disagree with you.  Regardless of how the baby got here, the father is still just as much responsible as the mother.  If he didn't want a baby, then he should have insisted on a condom.  If one was used and it failed, why is it more the mother's fault than his?

Children are entitled to CS regardless of the circumstances surrounding conception.  It is for the child, not for the mother.  Even if the mother was reckless, the child shouldn't be punished for that.

 

This is exactly the kind of thinking that the crazy fundie Republicans are using in order to take away women's choices.  It's all for the kid, not the parent, because the parent doesn't matter.  If she didn't want to be pregnant, then she should have used birth control or never ever ever had sex ever.

It's bullsh*t.  If a woman has a right to decide after conception whether or not she wants to be a parent in any way (whether that means being physically present or just sending money), then so does a man.

 

I want to hump you, Kuus.

ReturnOfKuus

It's been a while; I might actually accept.

turtle1120

ReturnOfKuus:

turtle1120:

I'm going to disagree with you.  Regardless of how the baby got here, the father is still just as much responsible as the mother.  If he didn't want a baby, then he should have insisted on a condom.  If one was used and it failed, why is it more the mother's fault than his?

Children are entitled to CS regardless of the circumstances surrounding conception.  It is for the child, not for the mother.  Even if the mother was reckless, the child shouldn't be punished for that.

 

This is exactly the kind of thinking that the crazy fundie Republicans are using in order to take away women's choices.  It's all for the kid, not the parent, because the parent doesn't matter.  If she didn't want to be pregnant, then she should have used birth control or never ever ever had sex ever.

It's bullsh*t.  If a woman has a right to decide after conception whether or not she wants to be a parent in any way (whether that means being physically present or just sending money), then so does a man.

Well I'm not a "crazy fundie Republican" but thanks for your opinion.

Everyone has a choice.  You can choose whether or not to have sex and whether or not to act responsibly.  If you're not prepared to deal with the consequences of sex, then you had best act accordingly.

Saying that a man gets off the hook if he doesn't want to have a baby is complete BS.  He should have considered the consequences of his actions before he got himself into a situation that led to an unwanted pregnancy.

ETA: I never said anything regarding taking away women's choices.  Not that it matters but I, personally, am pro-choice.

ReturnOfKuus

So you're pro-life, then?

turtle1120

ReturnOfKuus:

So you're pro-life, then?

Nope.  See my edit.

ReturnOfKuus

Your stance is illogical and inconsistent.  If a woman has a choice after sex in whether or not to be a mother, then there is no logical reason why a man shouldn't have an equivalent choice.  Any reasoning for making the man pony up despite clearly not consenting to be a father (the kid needs the money, he shouldn't have done anything that could have possibly ended in pregnancy, etc) also applies to a woman, in whether or not she should be able to abort.  Saying that these reasons arbitrarily only apply to men is asinine.

turtle1120

ReturnOfKuus:

Your stance is illogical and inconsistent.  If a woman has a choice after sex in whether or not to be a mother, then there is no logical reason why a man shouldn't have an equivalent choice.  Any reasoning for making the man pony up despite clearly not consenting to be a father (the kid needs the money, he shouldn't have done anything that could have possibly ended in pregnancy, etc) also applies to a woman, in whether or not she should be able to abort.  Saying that these reasons arbitrarily only apply to men is asinine.

I think your stance is illogical and inconsistent.  Life is full of choices.  People make them every day.  If someone isn't ready to deal with the consequences (i.e. financially supporting a kid) then they should make choices accordingly.

We obivously disagree and that's fine.  But calling me a crazy fundie Republican (when I'm not) and telling me that my thinking is asinine is out of line.

I also don't expect you to understand any of this because you don't have kids.  But thanks for playing, Kuus.  Have a good night.

abear2

Wow, I really can't believe that think that this man should not be responsible for paying child support.  It takes two people to make a baby.  He had unprotected sex, that was his "consent to be a father."  I'm sorry this is total horsesh!t.  He should get a pass because AFTER he gets her pregnant, he decides he doesn't want her to keep the baby?  Its this type of thinking that actually encourages douchebags to not pay what is owed to THEIR children.  She gets to make the decision to continue the pregnancy because it is HER body.  Now we are going to say that men should be able to force an abortion on a woman?  Sounds the exact opposite of pro-choice to me.