Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
which is better to be first?
I was having this conversation with a coworker today, the one who's been with her boyfriend for 8 months and he still hasn't said I love you.
Do you think it's better to say I love you first, and then meet the kids, or meet the kids and then say I love you?
(Don't get any ideas, JM! I'm not doing either for at least a couple of months! lol)
Both are valid answers for different reasons, and I was wondering what everyone else thought.
On one hand, meeting the kids is such a huge step, that I think it would be best that there be a deep connection between the two people so all parties know that it's serious and long term, which warrants an I Love You first.
But on the other hand, can and should you say you're in love with someone if you don't know the full facet of their personality and behavior around your kids?
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home D
Re: which is better to be first?
The two really have nothing to do with each other. When to meet the kids is the parent's decision and varies based on the situation.
If you feel like saying I love you, just say it, there are no rules in terms of the number of dates or anything like that.
You don't think they have anything to do with each other? That kind of surprises me. I guess the way I look at it is that while I could have very strong feelings about someone, I honestly don't think I could love them completely if I haven't interacted with him and his children. He could be a terrific person but a total dickwad to his kids, you never know, it could happen. And if I were a parent, I don't know if I could let someone into my kids' lives if I didn't really love them and knew that they would treat my kids well and stick around.
While I can understand your perspective your assumption is that love is "logical". I don't believe it is. I don't think that you can wait and say hmmm... I think I love this guy but I need to see how he is around my kid to be sure. Love just hits you. You cannot control it.
See, that's part of my point. Certainly it's the parent's choice to introduce their kids to anyone they want whenever the want. And while I'm looking forward to meeting J's kids and spending time with them all this summer, a big part of me doesn't want to meet them until/unless I know that he loves me/I love him. Because I've never seriously dated guys with kids, I don't want to get attached to them/them attached to me if there's a chance that our feelings won't grow that far. I want that to mean something.
But then again, I know on my part that I would think, how could we possibly love one another if we have no clue how we each interact with the kids? I mean, I really feel that he's a great dad from what I've seen and been told, but there's only so much you can know without actually interacting with them all as a group and getting to know that dynamic. You know, "love me, love my kids". What if we fall in love and his kids and I don't get along, or there's something huge that's a dealbreaker about it?
It's not really anything I thought about until my co-worker and I had that conversation. And now I'm wondering how things will go if/when that time comes (for either thing). I know I've got 2 more months at the very least before I meet the kids. He had mentioned sometime in early summer. So I know I don't really have to think about it right now, I was just wondering what everyone else thought, especially those with kids or those who have dated men with kids, since I have zero experience with either one.
I said the L word to Dan after I met his kids, but that wasn't necessarily because I planned it that way. Honestly I never really thought about the correlation. But I also NEVER pressured him to meet the kids... he was the one that let me know that whenever I was ready, he would love to introduce me to them. But we had had the discussion earlier that we wouldn't bring the kids into the picture unless we were planning on something serious/long term.
As far as when he said it, he just said it and we've been dating about 7 months... I knew how he felt about me long before he said and his divorce/marriage was fairly traumatic. I was just patient and loving until he was ready to go there... and honestly, it was really worth the wait.
So really, there's no guidelines... just go with the flow. Just because you say the L word and meet the kids doesn't mean that you'll be together forever either... there are no guarantees, so relax and trust your gut!