Ndr: Invite situation wwyd?

sierramist_03

Invites continually keep getting sent to my mother in law with my name attached for showers and graduation,etc basically anything with DHs side. My mother in law never tells me about these events until she is going to them or a few days before. Then I find out through Dh not even mil telling me herself. We have told mil several times that if they wish for us to be included we need to know ourselves. Mil lives two hours from us and she only calls my Dh. I feel like I am the bad guy because I am never given enough time to get a gift or a card so every time it just looks like I don't do anything. I have ask Dh to speak to his family and he refuses! I don't know what to do. I have tried letting it go but now it's just getting worse and I am even more of an outlast. We have been married 3 years and everyone has our address so those aren't reason as to why I am not being invited directly. 

TarHeels&Rebels

There's something more going on there if third parties, not involved in the passionate dislike you and your MIL share for each other, refuse to send you an invite directly.  Are you FB friends with the hosts?  Have you sent out a light message to that side of the family that says, "Hey guys, Just wanted to give you our address so MIL doesn't have our mailing cluttering up her mailbox." 

Or does that whole side of the family dislike you as much as your MIL does?  If so, I really see two options for you, and I'm sorry for being this blunt, but it's true: either do whatever you need to do to cut ties with these people - move to the other side of the country if you have to - or get a divorce.  The dynamic isn't working, hasn't worked for years, doesn't sound like it's ever going to, and it no doubt creates weekly or daily fights between you and your DH, so stop interacting with all of them forever.

And I'm sure that sounds awful, but you're the only person who can change your life.  You can't change people like your MIL.  So you've got to stand up for yourself and take charge of your life, whatever that may mean, because no one else is going to do it for you.

kaylie622

I agree that it sounds like there is more going on, but I would direct my anger at DH if I was in your position. He should stand up for you and support you. If he doesn't it almost give the signal to MIL that it's okay to treat you that way.

LexiMS

If they are sending the invites to your MIL and they know your address, then its an etiquette issue on the senders side not yours!  I would find it somewhat offensive and would perhaps send your address along one more time.  If it continues to be an issue I wouldn't get stressed by it, their loss in not having you at the event

emoflamingo

LexiMS:

If they are sending the invites to your MIL and they know your address, then its an etiquette issue on the senders side not yours!  I would find it somewhat offensive and would perhaps send your address along one more time.  If it continues to be an issue I wouldn't get stressed by it, their loss in not having you at the event

I agree. And toss in a little of T&R wisdom. If I don't get an invite (especially since I've not lived in another person's home in 7 years), I don't go. And I spend the money that I would have spent on their gift on myself. 

jennylove1084

emoflamingo:

LexiMS:

If they are sending the invites to your MIL and they know your address, then its an etiquette issue on the senders side not yours!  I would find it somewhat offensive and would perhaps send your address along one more time.  If it continues to be an issue I wouldn't get stressed by it, their loss in not having you at the event

I agree. And toss in a little of T&R wisdom. If I don't get an invite (especially since I've not lived in another person's home in 7 years), I don't go. And I spend the money that I would have spent on their gift on myself. 

This I like!! 

Mrs.G123

There is something else going on. That is a bummer but if these people can't bother to personally invite you then they are extremely rude.

TarHeels&Rebels

kaylie622:

I agree that it sounds like there is more going on, but I would direct my anger at DH if I was in your position. He should stand up for you and support you. If he doesn't it almost give the signal to MIL that it's okay to treat you that way.

My answer probably seems crazy without context, but her DH doesn't support her and her MIL always treats her like this.  Stuff like this has been going on for years.  Sierra, you're a more tolerant woman than I, that's for sure.

lshoes32

I'm with TH&R on this one. I would distance myself from the toxic in laws and their rude behavior. They aren't going to change, and you don't need to adjust your behavior to accommodate them. 

sierramist_03

emoflamingo:

LexiMS:

If they are sending the invites to your MIL and they know your address, then its an etiquette issue on the senders side not yours!  I would find it somewhat offensive and would perhaps send your address along one more time.  If it continues to be an issue I wouldn't get stressed by it, their loss in not having you at the event

I agree. And toss in a little of T&R wisdom. If I don't get an invite (especially since I've not lived in another person's home in 7 years), I don't go. And I spend the money that I would have spent on their gift on myself. 

I love the suggestion to buy something for myself! 

sierramist_03

Well I sent an email to all of DHs aunts just saying here is address so we aren't cluttering up mils mailbox with mail for us. We have a family wedding in two weeks so we will see how I am treated there.  I am very nervous about it. I am sure we will get lots of when are you guys having kids. we are already frustrated because we are driving almost four hours out there and weren't invited to the rehearsal dinner so we will have to drive to a neighboring town to have dinner since we are staying at DHs grandparents who issue invited.  

Justinlove

Why won't your husband help you with this and how have you addressed his lack of support with him?  Right now, your bigger issue isn't your MIL or the Aunts--it's your DH.   Since your efforts to become an "accepted" member of his side of the family are not going well at all, he needs to facilitate the process.  He should be helping, instead of hindering.  I would really think long and hard about what he gains by you being the outcast since he is intentionally doing his part to keep you in that position.

I know that sounds harsh, but if you look at it from the outside, you will see that's exactly what he is doing.

sierramist_03

Justinlove:

Why won't your husband help you with this and how have you addressed his lack of support with him?  Right now, your bigger issue isn't your MIL or the Aunts--it's your DH.   Since your efforts to become an "accepted" member of his side of the family are not going well at all, he needs to facilitate the process.  He should be helping, instead of hindering.  I would really think long and hard about what he gains by you being the outcast since he is intentionally doing his part to keep you in that position.

I know that sounds harsh, but if you look at it from the outside, you will see that's exactly what he is doing.

I have tried and tried to address the way they treat me and his response is I am being irrational and this is how his family is. It always end in an argument and him saying I have unrealistic expectations.  

TarHeels&Rebels

sierramist_03:

I have tried and tried to address the way they treat me and his response is I am being irrational and this is how his family is. It always end in an argument and him saying I have unrealistic expectations.  

Have you been to counseling by yourself? It might be time for some introspection. 

sierramist_03

TarHeels&Rebels:

sierramist_03:

I have tried and tried to address the way they treat me and his response is I am being irrational and this is how his family is. It always end in an argument and him saying I have unrealistic expectations.  

Have you been to counseling by yourself? It might be time for some introspection. 

I haven't went by myself he went and we as a couple. 

SSM&JLM

Is the couples counseling working? 

It's completely disrespectful of him and his family to not include you. You can't fix his family but he shouldn't be ok with it. And honestly your counselor should be helping him see that.  

tbridetobe

Personally, if I didn't receive an invite myself, I wouldn't go.  Finding out through MIL then DH is fine for something like a family dinner/BBQ/whatever, but if it's a formal event where written invitations are issued (like a wedding), you need to send me an invitation or, as far as I'm concerned, I'm not invited.  (Possible exception if the person doesn't know my address, but even then, they should ask MIL for DH and I's address.)

I'm really sorry that you have IL issues.  I do too, and it sucks.  As far as "when are you having kids," DH and I get that a lot too and I think the best response is just a chuckle followed by a very non-committal "oh, I don't know," followed by changing the subject ("that was a beautiful ceremony!").  I've found that any reason you try to give in response (i.e., I want to further myself in my career, we want to travel, we want to buy a larger house, whatever) only invites argument.  It's hard to argue with "I don't know." 

sierramist_03

tbridetobe:

Personally, if I didn't receive an invite myself, I wouldn't go.  Finding out through MIL then DH is fine for something like a family dinner/BBQ/whatever, but if it's a formal event where written invitations are issued (like a wedding), you need to send me an invitation or, as far as I'm concerned, I'm not invited.  (Possible exception if the person doesn't know my address, but even then, they should ask MIL for DH and I's address.)

I'm really sorry that you have IL issues.  I do too, and it sucks.  As far as "when are you having kids," DH and I get that a lot too and I think the best response is just a chuckle followed by a very non-committal "oh, I don't know," followed by changing the subject ("that was a beautiful ceremony!").  I've found that any reason you try to give in response (i.e., I want to further myself in my career, we want to travel, we want to buy a larger house, whatever) only invites argument.  It's hard to argue with "I don't know." 

I want to say....we know what birth control is and laugh  

sierramist_03

tbridetobe:

Personally, if I didn't receive an invite myself, I wouldn't go.  Finding out through MIL then DH is fine for something like a family dinner/BBQ/whatever, but if it's a formal event where written invitations are issued (like a wedding), you need to send me an invitation or, as far as I'm concerned, I'm not invited.  (Possible exception if the person doesn't know my address, but even then, they should ask MIL for DH and I's address.)

I'm really sorry that you have IL issues.  I do too, and it sucks.  As far as "when are you having kids," DH and I get that a lot too and I think the best response is just a chuckle followed by a very non-committal "oh, I don't know," followed by changing the subject ("that was a beautiful ceremony!").  I've found that any reason you try to give in response (i.e., I want to further myself in my career, we want to travel, we want to buy a larger house, whatever) only invites argument.  It's hard to argue with "I don't know." 

I want to say....we know what birth control is and laugh  

OUKatie

sierramist_03:

Justinlove:

Why won't your husband help you with this and how have you addressed his lack of support with him?  Right now, your bigger issue isn't your MIL or the Aunts--it's your DH.   Since your efforts to become an "accepted" member of his side of the family are not going well at all, he needs to facilitate the process.  He should be helping, instead of hindering.  I would really think long and hard about what he gains by you being the outcast since he is intentionally doing his part to keep you in that position.

I know that sounds harsh, but if you look at it from the outside, you will see that's exactly what he is doing.

I have tried and tried to address the way they treat me and his response is I am being irrational and this is how his family is. It always end in an argument and him saying I have unrealistic expectations.  

So stop trying. Stop trying to get them to like you and involve you. You've been married long enough that if it was going to happen, it would have by now. Instead, distance yourself from his family. The simple fact of the matter is that if they don't include you, they will see less of your DH. If you two don't personally receive an invitation to an event for which mailed invitations are the norm, DO NOT GO. They don't want you there anyway.

AugustBrideCO

I think some of these replies are way too harsh. Not everyone has a perfect relationship with their in-laws and it doesn't mean they all have to get divorced. You said that when you talked to your husband about it, he said that's how they are. So he knows they are manipulative and mean spirited and it sounds like he has learned to keep his distance. Instead of being upset about not being included, I think it's time to start being relieved that you don't have to go to every event. I do think your husband should stand up for you, even if he knows that there is very little chance of what he says getting through to them. I don't think you have to get divorced over it. I do not have a great relationship with my MIL, though it has improved. I do have a great relationship with my husband.

jacksjerseygirl

By pass MIL. Make some address cards (like moving cards/new address cards) - I live tiny print. 

 

Mail one to family on DH's side and include on the card something nicely worded to the effect of - we would love to be personally included in family events or please send any family event invites to our address directly etcetc

 

You can work on MIL issues separately but I think many times ppl just don't have your address for why they send to mil in first place.  

OUKatie

AugustBrideCO:

I think some of these replies are way too harsh. Not everyone has a perfect relationship with their in-laws and it doesn't mean they all have to get divorced. You said that when you talked to your husband about it, he said that's how they are. So he knows they are manipulative and mean spirited and it sounds like he has learned to keep his distance. Instead of being upset about not being included, I think it's time to start being relieved that you don't have to go to every event. I do think your husband should stand up for you, even if he knows that there is very little chance of what he says getting through to them. I don't think you have to get divorced over it. I do not have a great relationship with my MIL, though it has improved. I do have a great relationship with my husband.

There is a LOT of backstory. TH&R hinted at it in one of her posts in this thread. The advice does sound harsh but the OP has a lot of issues with her DH surrounding all of this and his lack of support, so it's a very different situation than someone who has IL issues but a supportive DH.

dairygirl19

Oh Sierra. I'm so sorry.

I'm with THR though. You will never solve this problem, nor is it yours to solve along with the 100 other issues inlaws related.

You personally need to take a step back and evaluate what you want and what's important to you. Having an H that is unsupportive, inlaws that don't respect you etc. etc. is tough. You either need to take a stand for yourself and move on or realize this is how Hs family rolls and let it all go.

You are better than this. H and I by no means have the perfect marriage and he leaves me to deal with a lot sometimes on my own but if something had been going on this long and I was this bothered by it, I know he'd speak up in a heartbeat whether he deep down cares or not. He'd do it because the issue may not be at all important to him but my feelings are. That said, if a problem is important enough to speak up on, sometimes I do it myself. I don't always understand the whole, "It's Hs family he needs to do it." I'm a growna$$ adult, I'm entitled to my opinion too. Your H won't listen to you. Maybe it's time to speak up on your own behalf. It's not like it can get worse.

Also, as someone with inlaws in the backyard, I'm telling you somedays you live and let live. Please don't be so sensitive about every little thing. Life isn't worth it. I've finally learned to stop and say, "Will that comment, issue, concern still be valid next week? Next month? Next year?" and, "Just because my family does it this way, but the inlaws do it the other, is it reall wrong?"  It really keeps it in perspective for me and as a result people listen when I/we do speak up. Stressing about every little thing compounds into one big thing that isn't good either. People just like to yap. A lot. I just learn to say, "Well, that's nice. How's the weather?"

I know I'm rambling, but I'm just trying to give you options and a new perspective. It is tough, but for the sake of your sanity and quality of life, it's time to take a stand either personally, to your H, your inlaws or all 3. You are better than this.

TheWop

dairygirl19:

Oh Sierra. I'm so sorry.

I'm with THR though. You will never solve this problem, nor is it yours to solve along with the 100 other issues inlaws related.

You personally need to take a step back and evaluate what you want and what's important to you. Having an H that is unsupportive, inlaws that don't respect you etc. etc. is tough. You either need to take a stand for yourself and move on or realize this is how Hs family rolls and let it all go.

You are better than this. H and I by no means have the perfect marriage and he leaves me to deal with a lot sometimes on my own but if something had been going on this long and I was this bothered by it, I know he'd speak up in a heartbeat whether he deep down cares or not. He'd do it because the issue may not be at all important to him but my feelings are. That said, if a problem is important enough to speak up on, sometimes I do it myself. I don't always understand the whole, "It's Hs family he needs to do it." I'm a growna$$ adult, I'm entitled to my opinion too. Your H won't listen to you. Maybe it's time to speak up on your own behalf. It's not like it can get worse.

Also, as someone with inlaws in the backyard, I'm telling you somedays you live and let live. Please don't be so sensitive about every little thing. Life isn't worth it. I've finally learned to stop and say, "Will that comment, issue, concern still be valid next week? Next month? Next year?" and, "Just because my family does it this way, but the inlaws do it the other, is it reall wrong?"  It really keeps it in perspective for me and as a result people listen when I/we do speak up. Stressing about every little thing compounds into one big thing that isn't good either. People just like to yap. A lot. I just learn to say, "Well, that's nice. How's the weather?"

I know I'm rambling, but I'm just trying to give you options and a new perspective. It is tough, but for the sake of your sanity and quality of life, it's time to take a stand either personally, to your H, your inlaws or all 3. You are better than this.

ITA with the above. Well said.