Starting Over
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
what are your "dealbreakers" or "must haves"?
I had a good laugh with my therapist today. I was telling her about some of my dating "mishaps" and she said ... "Are you screening these guys at all?"
Maybe I do need a better screening process... right now it's basically: over 6 ft tall (although occassionally I'll let a guy that's 5'11" slip through), single, doesn't live with his parents (although with the last guy I think he did, I was too afraid to ask), non-smoker (although I have compromised on this as well), has to have a car. Oh dear Lord, I think that's it.
Help me!
ETA: Also, I won't date skinny guys or anyone that fell out of the ugly tree
Re: what are your "dealbreakers" or "must haves"?
Non-smoker
No drugs
Self sufficient
No drama with the ex
Honest
Hard working
Motivated/goal driven
intelligent
good relationship with his parents
has friends/is social
physical fitness/healthy lifestyle is important
lol at "single" needing to be listed as a criterion for dating a guy
I'm with you on everything but the height (my upper cap is 5'9", and I'd prefer shorter than that), but no compromise. I'd also add:
not religious
doesn't want or have kids
doesn't have doucheface (this one is actually important, and should be on everyone's non-negotiable list)
doesn't embody societal qualities that make me feel that feminism is still as important as ever, and isn't a buffoon
funny (can be either deliberate or unintentionally so)
BK: I've kinda wondered that too, with your rash of crazy dates lately!
Dealbreakers are the obvious one's mostly: No drugs (and for me, no smoking), must be legally divorced, wants kids, no criminal past (DUI's only depending on the circumstance. Like, must be 10 years ago + or something like that. Not like, last year), no drama with the x that is ongoing.
Must Haves: close with family, have a circle of friends that you're pretty close to, can be social, and likes people, must be OK with gay people (basically, liberally minded and respect people), drink (as we all know that already), college degree, have some sort of spiritual ground , have a job/direction/goals in life (Don't need a dream job, but a job and not "life ADD", must be happy with where you are in your life, appreciates learning and exploring new places/ideas/foods (reading is sexy), sense of humor.
Nice to haves: Taller than me (so, anyone 5'3" or taller!), enjoy the outdoors like hiking/camping/beach, etc. enjoy watching/playing sports, traveling, enjoy food (I'm a foodie),
My list:
Self-sufficient. I am not dealing with supporting another person again.
Honest.
Likes renaissance faires. Bonus points if he/she is a playtron.
Family oriented.
Enjoys going out. I am a very social person and it turned out that XH was not as social. That made things like parties rather difficult.
Intelligent. Preferably at least some college degree that is not collecting dust. And is able to hold a conversation that does not revolve around a game.
Non-judgemental. My life, nor are my friends, what one would consider socially normal. We enjoy who we are and take pride in that. I need someone who can go along with it.
What, exactly, is doucheface? That term has been thrown around a lot here lately and I need to check if I am afflicted with it.
I think your issue inf finding the right person might be that a lot of your "must haves" that aren't things lots of people don't want (smoker, financially independent) seem very superficial -- height, body type, not ugly?
Oh great, now I have the unenviable task of asking my female co-workers if I in fact suffer from doucheface. I will report back my findings.
Oh, but I didn't answer the question!
Must haves:
- good with kids (since I have one)
- has a stable and growing career
- is ok with the fact that I have a very full plate and sometimes my "free" time is scarce
- respects my schedule with my child
- likes theatre and the arts
- close relationship with his family
- lives in or very near my city, as I can't move because of my ds; or is willing to move to my city if things got serious (bf lived less than a mile from me when we met)
Dealbreakers:
- smoker or does drugs (I can't/won't compromise on this one, because it is in my divorce decree that both ex and I need to live in a smoke-free/drug-free home or we can lose time with our son)
- doesn't understand that my son is my #1 priority most, if not all of the time
- no college degree -- call me a snob, but it was a big point of contention with my ex and I'm not doing that again
- no career-type job
- abusive
Stable income
Minimal credit card debt
Not infatuated with cats (I'm allergic)
Must love kids
No drugs
No chain smokers
Physical fitness and staying active are priorities
Understand I will need alone time every once in a while
Never been featured on the show "Intervention"
Does not hang onto every word they hear from Oprah or Dr Phil
Knows that my friends and I act like idiots sometimes when we get together...it is what it is.
My main ones aside from drug abuse, physical abuse etc...
I will not date a smoker.
Must accept all my pets and the fact that they live inside.
Must be physically active.
No kids.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
How do you find these out before you meet someone?
BWA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! LIKE!
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
My deal breakers are the same as everyone else- no drugs, abuse, not a criminal.
Everything else is fair game. When I met bf he was unemployed (his family business failed after 20+ years), he didn't have a college degree (was pursuing, but went to work for his family right out of hs), we are the same exact height (5'6"...so not tall but not short), doesn't drink (not a big deal to me, I don't drink often), balding (every other guy I've dated had a full head of hair, I used to think I wouldn't like bald guys).... pretty much all of the qualities he has could have been on my deal breaker list - I've seen a lot of those listed in this post. I understand these things don't work for everyone. When I divorced I swore I was going to do away with my must haves and deal breaker list and just have fun and get to know people without checking things off about them. I'm very happy with bf and we are planning to get married some day, and if I had kept my list I would have never even gone on a first date!
I commend you and realize this is probably the approach I should take. I wish I could stop being so picky, easier said than done I guess.
All of that. The last one is a nice-to-have. I'm not wrapped up in someone who works out all the time, but I don't want some schlub either.
Must want kids. If they don't want kids of their own, there's no way they're going to accept the two I already have.
Dealbreakers:
Smokers, drug users of any kid, someone who drinks more than a few times a week (like every day), anyone with a criminal record, if I find out they cheated on their former spouse, financial trouble, over spenders, unhealthy attitude about sex (whether it's weird sexual stuff, or not interested in sex).
It would seem that my biggest dealbreaker is "Cannot be interested in me", as that has been my biggest turnoff thus far.
Also, skinny men are unappealing to me. Something about the pointy elbows?
It was really hard. But, I started to realize when I first started dating post divorce, I was going on dates with people who had many of the same qualities as XH. Obviously, that relationship didn't work and we were not compatible AT ALL, so I figured dating people with those qualities would put me right back in the same situation. Letting go of my must haves, deal breakers and timelines allowed me to date some really great people that I normally would have looked over and now I have an awesome BF of over 1.5 years. I will be the first to admit it was hard to let go of those things though!
Deal breakers:
Drugs/abuse of alcohol
History of abusing others/criminal past
Deadbeat parent
Manipulitive
must not be a gamer!!!
Must haves:
Steady job making enough to support himself
Trustworthy and honest
Has a car
At least 5'3" (what can I say...I'm short)
Must be a Christian
Does not live with parents
Enjoys the outdoors
Must haves:
Self sufficient
Doesn't do drugs, no criminal record, etc.
Wants kids, preferably 2+
Goes to college or has a college degree
Nice to haves:
Tall
Intelligent
Social
Understanding
2012 Reading Challenge
Besides the obivious (non-criminal, honest, loyal, respectful)
-Non-smoker
-Wants kids (DD plus at least one more)
- Accepts that DD is first in my life and treats both of us with love and respect.
-Has a good relationship with his friends andf amily. My X had NO FRIENDS and I didn't know that this was a red flag until he was arrested. Doesn't mean all people with no friends are pedophiles, it just isn't a good sign if they have nobody else in their world except you.
-Self sufficient
I think you're being too open/nice with your screening process. Mine was:
-Must be at least 6'2" and fit, attractive to me
-Must be healthy
-Must have a good career. Not job but career--I wanted someone stable and driven
-Of course no drugs, no excessive drinking, no criminal history, no cheating history since early college years
-Must be a college graduate from good 4 year school
-Must be independent and responsible (own a reliable car, rent a nice apt./own a home, building equity)
-Must lead an active lifestyle with hobbies; at least 1 passion
-Must have at least 5 close relationships in his life (family members or really old friends)
-Must love animals
-Must enjoy a rural atmosphere but also enjoy visiting cities
-Well mannered--basic manners from the table to taking his hat off indoors
-Intelligent--he must understand politics, history, finances, etc.
-All in all someone who can get his hands dirty and fix his own car/enjoy camping/etc. but works hard and would fit in just fine in a tux at a large banquet discussing current events with "important people"
Son of a biscuit!
Must haves: car, employment, own place, financially stable, hard working, good at fixing stuff, enjoys staying in, mature, honest
Preferred qualities: tall, likes NFL football, been in the military, my age or older
Deal breakers: religious, abuses drugs or alcohol
Snob!!!!!!
hey, you told me to
I will admit that I have looked at this list 10 times and still dont know if I think it is real, fake, acceptable, or just over the top snobbish. "Important people"....???
Christian
Knows American Sign Language - deaf/hard of hearing/children of deaf adults or interpreters)
Must be very caring and show compassion toward others
Comfortable in his own skin and carries himself well
Social
Self sufficient and hard working
He got to smile a lot!
Treats me like a lady
Good father figure
With the above traits, I actually prefer this guy to have gone through a divorce and have a child or two so there is understanding between the two of us without having to explain in details trying to get the other person to understand.
Must have:
-Be active.
-Have a decent job that they enjoy
-Have a car
-Like dogs
-Enjoy the outdoors
-Be adventurous
-Be on good terms with family
Dealbreakers
-Drugs
-Excessive drinking
-Smoking
-Religion
-Too into something, like obsessed with football, video games etc.