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@ Flameful confession
Last night, I had to tell my DH that I have credit card debt he didn't know about. Again. This happen about 5 years ago before we bought our house. I told him because we are supposed to close on a refinance to our current mortgage. I didn't want him to find out at the closing. I have no good reason for it. I just spend money on stupid *** that means nothing in the grand scheme of things. I have nothing to show for it. I don't have a gambling problem or drug problem. (I do neither) I am supposed to be smarter than this. I have a great job (in finance), I contribute to our house hold. I fully support his demanding job.
He blew up. He told me he wasn't leaving me because I am a waste of skin, space, time but the idea me raising our kids disgusts him. He told me I am a terrible wife, terrible partner, and then told me I am a terrible mother, that I love no one but myself. I am still in shock and I can't even breathe. He told me that I always manage to ** up a good thing, that all he has been doing is dragging me through life. (We've been together for 12 years)
I KNOW that I was in the wrong to put myself and our family in this situation. I am have no idea what to do. I don't know where to start...I talked to his mom who told me he would blow up but that he loves me and we would get through it but the things he said make me think he really thinks those things and if he does then how can we even love each other?
Re: @ Flameful confession
I'm sorry, that really blows. How much debt is there?
I think it works for some couples if you swear off credit cards for forever - no credit card could be in your name ever again and no line of credit on your bank account - possibly even no personal account for you.
I know this is oft offered advice on the nest, but have you considered couseling to see why you have a compulsion to shop? Maybe if you can get to the root of the problem, you can solve it. If you and your H want to stay together, I think marital counseling would be helpful as well.
$8K
I have. He has always rejected it in the past. I am going to go whether he does or not.
Well. To be honest, if my H told me that I would be pretty pissed as well, but I think your H said some pretty horrible things to you. I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to be mad, but to call you a waste of space and a terrible mother is a little extreme.
You recognize you have a problem so I think your willingness to go to counseling is the first step. You realize you need to fix this behavior, and you're obviously willing to do something about it, and that's good. I do think you and your H will need to go together, but that might be something for another day.
I think I'd give him a day or so to calm down, and then try to talk to him again. If you can go to him with a plan "I screwed up, but this is what I'm thinking of doing to fix it", that might help.
Cancel the credit cards.
I think that's a good idea. I wish you luck in your path forward.
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If you are addicted to something, there is always collateral damage. Doesn't matter if it is booze, drugs, gambling, shopping, sex....someone else is paying a price.
You need to look at your own behaviour first before you can consider whether or not your marriage will survive.
Sounds like it's the 2nd time it's happened. If it was a strain on their marriage the first time, I can see how he would be angry and would blow up the second time.
I'm not sure what other issue you mean and maybe that is part of the problem. I can't see it. I know he despises lying and that is what this is... The second time that I lied to him about money.
It's not the second time. You didn't buy one $8000 item. You've been spending for some time now. And hiding it.
Don't minimize. You've got to face the whole truth, not the parts that suit you.
Small is relative. To ME (and you) that is a small amount of money but to someone else that could be a crippling amount of debt.
OP, I would have a hard time excusing what he said. Words have power. Seek counseling for your shopping issue and once things calm down, maybe you can talk to your husband about the things he said.
The first time it happen was right after our first child was born. We were looking at buying homes and I knew I had to tell him. He reacted the same way said some similar things. We didn't think that we would be able to buy our home. We were able to pay it all off with the exception of one loan that is going to be paid off this year. We were able to buy a house within a year of that first confession.
Now we are refinancing into a much lower rate and term so we are able to pay off the house more quickly.
I know I am the issue. I know this. I am looking at finding a counselor.
Yes, the unknown cc debt is a HUGE breach of trust but there seems to be some additional underlying issues here. I agree with mesh's suggestion about counseling for you as well as couples counseling.
H and I use Quicken to track our finances, every penny each of us spend is there for the other to see, including my ridiculous Starbucks habit.
We have some friends who were in a similar situation, she racked up $10,000 in cc debt and he didn't have a clue. It was ugly but they managed to get through it. If that's what you want, I hope you do to.
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Yes, you have a spending problem, but that doesn't mean your husband can talk to you any kinda way when he's angry. These are two separate issues to me.
You are right. When I was talking to his mom about it, she said that I made a mistake. I said, no I didn't. I actively made that same mistake over and over again.
(and I know my talking to his mom is weird but own mom would just pull out the DH hate that she has because he stands up to her for the way she treats me.)
Small to you maybe but to me that's a whole lotta debt. It would take us quite a while to pay that much off. Before we were married I made H cut up his card because he had 5k on it and I don't like credit cards. We are just now paying that off.
You have at least 2 problems, and perhaps they are intermingled, I certainly don't know. You have a spending problem, and you have a communication problem with your husband. Is one driving the other? Maybe. Are there other issues within the marriage?
Your husband reacted badly. I won't say over-reacted because for some the feeling of betrayal is powerful. But lashing out and calling you a waste of skin and unfit to raise your own children crosses a line. Big time.
Own up to your role. Deal with it head on. Getting it out in the open is a good first step.
But I think you are in for a long haul. Be prepared.
I know a lot of people looking to refi are really needing that extra few hundred dollars a month. Seeing as how your debt is probably $100-$300 a month depending on the interest rate, that's pretty much a wash, and most likely the way he sees this situation.
If you can offer to work on the side as well to make up that difference and like I said before, do away with other extras of yours that cost - that will help him to see you change and be responsible.
I'm sorry he reacted so badly. I know 8k is a lot to some people when you think of it as a car DP or that could be a nice savings - especially if he feels like he's been sacrificing a lot for the financial well being of the family for a while.
GL. I hope this can be mended.
Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but this is a red flag to me after the way your H talked to you. Are the only two times your husband has talked to you this way the two times you've told him about hidden debt? Regardless of the breach of trust, the hatefulness he showed is really alarming.
Best of luck to you moving forward.
I'm sorry that he reacted that way, but I do see his point of view, too (not that it excuses saying horrible things).
I think a counselor would really help. Maybe look at what causes you to shop? Or what causes you to hide things and not be honest with him? I know, for me, I am a spender and I would say I hover around the line of being a shopaholic b/c I definitely enjoy the rush of buying things and tend to overbuy/overspend if I'm not careful. I'm also intensely private - to the point that I hate when people read a book over my shoulder, lol. Not anything personal, but a book. It's hard for my husband to understand why my natural inclination is to be so private about things (including finances - it took a long time for me to add my old bank account to our financial website we use). It's something I've discussed w/ my therapist in the past and we've found a happy medium now.
I would also suggest that you come up with a plan to pay the debt down and not repeat this behavior (counselor being part of that). I know that, in the past, when I've had trouble staying on budget (it's been years now, thankfully), it helped when I was active in trying to correct it - both for me and for MH in feeling like I was trying to make things better.
Good luck.
Your H said some very hurtful things but I can understand how upset he is. He has already faced this once and now that you have put him in this position again, Im sure he feels like he cant trust you. Neither time have you confessed this to him on your own. The first time it was because you didnt want to get caught and now its because its grown to be so substantial. Even if you make tons of money, 8k is money that cant be spend on your home, child's college fund, retirement, etc because you spent it on yourself. This was selfish and it was wrong of you to deceive your husband the whole time.
Go to counseling, get on a plan to pay back the debt by your own sacrifice (getting an extra job, selling some of the stuff you bought), and then you can attempt to make things right with your husband. It may take him a long time to trust you again but you owe him complete transparency in the future in dealing with your joint money.
As for the last question, I think you may be trying to play the victim and thats not going to do you any favors in making things right with your husband. He may feel like you dont love him for you to do this again but hopefully you can both overcome your mistakes.
There are 2 separate issues going on here. The way he talked to you and the things he said are NOT okay. I don't care what you did. So there needs to be a better way to communicate and he needs to talk to someone about that.
That being said, I would be pissed if my husband incurred thousands of dollars of debt behind my back.
Yikes. I'd be hard pressed to stay with a man who thought it was okay to speak to me that way, even if I thought I deserved it. You are going to beat yourself up enough, why does he think he needs to join you in that?
Regardless, you've clearly got some personal issues you need to deal with before you can move forward in any way. I agree with individual counseling. I can only share what I would do with the marriage, which is take a break from it. This seems awfully *not* worthy of his reaction.
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I'm sorry he talked to you like that. I can understand being angry, but there's no excuse for someone to talk to their spouse that way.
In regards to the spending, I can sympathize. I used to have some major spending problems and I got my H and I into some debt. Since that time we cut way back, living much below our means, and have sworn off all credit. I also ended up going through consumer credit counseling which ended up being a great decision. This was five years ago, and now we have zero debt except our mortgage and my student loans.
You can pay it off if you make a plan. I would also recommend some counseling to find the source of your spending. That's what worked for me to dig deep and figure out why I was spending-obsessed.
Good luck to you! Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.
I agree with this.
When DH and I were first living together (engaged and bought a house) I found out he had a hidden CC where he was gambling online. He only put $800 on it, but when I checked that mail I flipped. It was the possibility of a further issue (addiction) and the lying that infuriated me. We worked it out, he's been fine ever since, but honestly if something like this happened again, ESPECIALLY now that we have kids to worry about, I would flip my lid. Counseling at a minimum and it would take years to trust him again.
That said, I don't think I'd stoop to the levels that your DH did. I think there must be some underlying issues he's been holding onto based on the things he said.
Holy crap, dude!
You owe $8,000 but that does NOT give your husband a right to say those things to you. Though, I think y'all's issues are much bigger than keeping credit card debt a secret.
He seems like he has anger issues and you have trust issues. You both have communication issues.