My Husband Hates My Parents and Maybe Me as well! Need advice!

Ilumine

alikat357:

Nobody said I don't contribute to the financial side of the marriage. Plus the down payment on the house was taken care of almost 10 years ago. Don't just jump to conclusions! THE ADVICE I asked for is concerning family problems (hence posting in 'Family Matters'), being put in a place where you feel like you're being asked to choose between your family and your husband basically...

I cannot give advice until I have an answer to my question.  How are you funding the purchase of this home if you are not working (your own words, your on SSI) and need roommates to help pay for your rent?

The answer goes a long way in figuring out how to deal with your DH. 

If you are getting the funding from your parents or they are givnig you a huge financial break, then you arent really changing the dynamics of your DH & Parent's relationship, they can still hold this over YOUR (the couple you) head.

If you have income coming in from somewhere else, but you still need roommates and/or your parents to help you out, what kind of financial planning is that?  Granted, your DH is not working either...but that makes it WORSE for a partner's ego, knowing htat his wife has been holding back on the monetary funds....forcing him to take money from his inlaws OR living with roommates*

And finally....putting the house in YOUR NAME ONLY?  What a slap in the face.  I am a SAHM (not by choice but by military circumstances) and you bet I would have serious issues with my husband if he were to put OUR house in HIS name only. 

To me, that is just one more situation where YOUR family gets to come before the marriage. 

So while he seems to be a pin-head, is it ALL because he is a deep down douche or is it because of the situation he has now found himself in? 

MY ADVICE - if you have enough money to buy this house, then you have enough money to rent a new place with your DH.  SO what if you think you are throwing away money on rent, look at it as spending money on your marriage.  THEN and only THEN, once you have taken your parent's fingers out of the pie, see if the marriage still tastes good or if it has gone bad.

*It is rarely a good thing for a marriage to have other adults living with you.

alikat357

I went to my BIL's fiance's bridal shower today with my sister and mom. What happened there was that I ended up being more sociable than I have been (especially with women) in as long as I can remember. I don't know much of her family too well, but I know his side and it's a super large group. They know all my problems and what not and I re-realized they accept me completely and don't act like there is anything different. That's rare. I absolutely love our families and had such an awesome time. Everyone is so supportive of me/ of us as a couple. We're not perfect by far and we go through rough spots. I could never do anything to intentionally break his heart. I don't know for certain what will happen between us and there are things that need to be addressed. He makes me upset, I make him upset. He makes me laugh, I make him laugh. We're sooo different, but not at the same time.

alithebride

you do NOT need his ok to separate.

you know that he and you need couseling-both individual and counseling. yet you keep accpeting his not going and then wonder what the issues are. they're staring you in the face. he doesn't want to put any effort in (perhaps because he's being spiteful about your anxiety issues-who knows) but he's refused to do that.

i think you know most of the answers here but just wont do anything about it. i see a lot of excuses but no real effort in solutions-just excuses. until you and he are both ready to REALLY work on your relationship and him with his own personal issues you're going to be rowing the same boat for a long time.

 

alikat357

I agree 100% with everything you just wrote! I am going to talk to my therapist because she has offered to do a session with both of us and I'm going to tell him he HAS to do this with me or I'm not going to keep trying. I really don't want to separate, I want to work it out because I think we can BUT if he refuses then I have to do what's best for me (for both of us really). There are to many things I want in life that I will not continue to put on hold. I don't want to look back later with any regret.

alynne1113

As someone on the other side of the parents thing. MOVE.

 Your husband shouldn't have to live under your parents roof and as much as you think they leave you alone...he obviously doesnt feel that way. I moved into a house my inlaws built for us under the impression it would be signed over into our name, however, they would not let us get a mortgage to buy it out and it ended up a really bad, ugly horrible situation and his family are no longer in our lives.

NEVER mix family & money. I resented my husband for making me live in his parents house (i felt against my wishes as like you he always had excuses on why we couldn't move) and it took a lot of work to fix the problems cause by his family and the house.

leahkate

I think that your DH must wonder what it is that you are able to do outside the home, when you can't bring yourself to work. Of course, he's curious about it. And he probably feels completely trapped, by both you and your parents. You need to get some help, and possibly end this cluster@#$!

alikat357

Right now I don't do anything outside of the house unless I'm with him, or occasionally with my sister. He knows what I'm doing. He's really accepting and helpful with the panic stuff and I am getting help. He also does whatever he wants with his time so he's pretty far from trapped. Of course it's frustrating right now, but that's for both of us.