Starting Over
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
how long after did you start dating
I absolutely realize the gun-jumping this appears to be since only last week my husband said he was moving out but I am curious about the rules and regs. What has been everyone else's experience?
We don't live in a state that requires a separation period and I have no intention of even entertaining the idea until we are physically no longer living together and legally single people.
Like most marriages that end in divorce, ours didn't have a heart attack -it had cancer. It's been over for a while. Just trying to figure this stuff out.
Re: how long after did you start dating
Im probably a bit too eager to get back out there but I'm a relationship kind of girl. Just want to move on already.
That concerns me....you shouldn't want to jump from one relationship to another just to move on, you know? What's the rush? Take time to figure out how you're impacted by the divorce, what you need to do to heal, and how to take care of yourself during this rollercoaster ride you just bought a ticket for.
And because you asked, I waited 3 months from XH moving out (and 2 months after we filed the papers) before I started casually dating someone.
I waited several months. I did go out on a single day with someone about 3 months after I left, and I came home and cried. I casually dated someone about 6 months after I left, and that was better, but I still felt uncomfortable until the divorce was finalized.
I don't know if there is some magic amount of time you should wait, but it was powerful and important for me to have time to myself.
I have dated casually since about 6 months after I left my ex. No serious or exclusive relationships but mainly just dating to meet new people and decide what I am really looking for in a future partner.
It's been 2 years and I would prefer to wait at least another year before I decide to enter a serious/exclusive relationship. I am enjoying being single and am not ready to give up the freedom unless I meet the right guy.
Are you in counseling? (Sorry, I don't recall your backstory)
Not at the moment but I've gone in the past - about 6 months ago. Back when I thought I was the problem. I know I should go back. I didn't get much out of it the first time but I might not have given it a fair shot.
I really like having time for myself, and I definitely didn't want to get into any kind of serious relationship. But all those years of practically no sex? I wanted to enjoy the new opportunity!
I started what I intended to be casual dating about a month after I moved out. Like you, my marriage was over long before it was actually over. I was the one to do the breaking up and I just felt ready. With that said, I have dated people in the past (not my ex-husband), who I would not have been ready to move on from so quickly. I think it depends on you, where you are in your life, how shocking the demise of your realtionship was, and a whole host of other factors.
I don't remember if you have kids or not, but if you do have kids, I'd say it's best to take more time than you might think you need.
This is so me right now. We've had sex probably twice this year and we just pretty much fought all the time - weve fought much less actually since we decided to split. I feel like Ive been single for years but living like a nun.
I think I might go back to therapy. I'm seeing my mom in two weeks (family doesn't know yet) who I very close to so I'm hoping she'll give me good feedback.
Not shocking at all. We've whipped out the "D" word a number of times. No one cheated, no abuse, rather anticlimactic actually.
No kids together (he has a daughter).
Im actually pleasantly surprised at what all the PP's have said -I thought you all were going to tell me 5 years or something.
I think it's quite a normal feeling or desire...my ex moved on into a very serious relationship just a few months after I left and was living with her less than a year later. He actually did the same thing to me... he was living with somone for a few years and then jumped into a serious relationship with me after being broken up a few weeks. I was too young and inexperienced to realize that's how he operates.. jumping from one relationship to the next in order to avoid feeling the pain and dealing with the loss.
Most relationship /divorce books I have read suggest spending time alone and dealing with the loss before entering into a relationship. My marriage ended very suddenly and painfully so perhaps that's why I am more hesitant to get into another relationship... it's easier to be single and carefree for a bit.
Im sorry to hear your was so sudden. I think one of my reasons is that I want kids and he didn't so my family-gene might be driving this force.
I strongly recommend counseling. I went for almost a year. We started together (only had a few sessions together) before my counselor said it was too hard to work with us together. I stayed with her during our "trying to work it out" phase, as well as the "he just moved out" phase, followed by the "we're getting a divorce" phase. Even though I went in to talk about his infidelity, I spent most of the time with her talking about my stuff....why I am the way I am and how it played a role in my relationship. I was able to make peace with a lot of my demons during this time and am in a totally different, and better, place now.
(But seriously, when I say lack of sex was a problem, I mean that we had sex less than 4 times per year for 5 years.)
Wow. So sorry about that. But I will be the first to admit that this lady likes to get down
hmm... I am actually the opposite..lol. It's been two years and I have very little desire to have kids, eventhough I did want them at one point ( I was pregnant 2x and lost both). I am hoping when I meet the right person that desire comes back...How old are you? I am 31 so I feel like I have some time to relax about the whole thing and take my time but sometimes my friends freak me out... they are all the same age/younger than me and all have kids or are TTC
I waited a year. I dated a great guy for a few months, then realized I really wasn't ready for long term... so I am on another dating break. I do not have a set time for this break. If the right guy comes along that's awesome, but I am happy being on my own.
I am coming up on the 2 year mark (of my split) in June.
"How old are you? "
28 yrs old. I will say I feel like I'm 48 - not only is the stress aging me, I feel like I'm too young to have "divorcee" on my bucket list - which is why you ladies help
I waited for about 4 years, although I did have a FWB in between the marriage and my current relationship.
ETA: FWIW, I LOVE being single. I really had no desire to be in a relationship and then I met current BF and that changed. I am happy I had an open mind with him.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
This TERRIFIES me. The thought of sleeping with another person - I'm so worried about diseases, will they think I'm a s1ut, etc. But mostly about diseases. And if they can see my cellulite. And if they care that I have atrocious feet.
I've been with STBX since I was 22. Ug.
The above statement makes me think you should take a good amount of time to rediscover who you are. Learn to love yourself including your imperfections and THEN think about dating.
I am not saying you are a trainwreck, but I used to think exactly like you and those little insecurities can grow if you date before you are ready. I feel very confident now and content with my life. I know that if the right guy comes along I will be ready.
Kelly Monaghan's 5K - 5/15/11 - 3rd Place in AG
Walk the Talk 5K - 5/18/11 - 31:12 PR
Ridley Run 3.1 - 4/14/12 - 1st race of the year, 32:45
ITA with Becca and Doris. OP it sounds like you may not be ready to move on. I really urge you to be single for a while, rediscover yourself, get back into therapy and process through all this (especially why you want to get into another relationship so soon).
FWIW, I waited 3 months to date again and it was WAY too soon. I stopped after a month and was single for another 6 months before trying again.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Thanks. I know I'm doing much better than some people - we didn't have the complications some couples do (no kids, no cheating, no abuse) so I feel very fortunate in that respect. Also, after reading your blog, I realized I have a TON to be thankful for. I know I should chalk this up to being too young. I don't regret our marriage and I do believe we are better people having been in each other's lives but the road has ended. He's promised to watch the dog when I travel for work and I've promised to let him have the TV. I consider myself lucky.