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Re-enlistment
So I'm curious, being new to all of this, how much input do you ladies offer when it comes to whether or not your husbands re-enlist?
H and I were talking about this a few nights ago, he is leaning towards making a career of it, but he has so many options in his head right now he has no idea really which way he will wind up going. His MOS involves a lot of techie computer stuff, so if/when he did get out, he would be able to make a LOT of money in a civilian job. So he is tossing around the ideas of--is he going to stay in for his 20 or get out (not necessarily after 4, maybe 8), and if he does stay in, will he stay in his MOS he has now, or try to make a lateral switch (if so, he is toying with the idea of EOD, which is what he initially wanted to do).
Here is my issue--he has asked my opinion, but I don't know how much I want to, or should give it. I know that it affects both of our lives and so technically, I should have a say, but I've mentally prepared myself that this could be potentially the next 20-25 years of our lives if he chooses career, and I'm not sure I feel comfortable with saying: "Yes, honey, stay in the military! I think it's a great idea!" Truth be told, I think for him it IS a great idea. I have never seen him so confident and relaxed since he has been in, and it fits him perfectly. I think he will go really, really far, and be more successful and happier than he would in a civilian job. But if I give my vote for yes, and then something happens to him (especially with all the unrest going on right now overseas) then it seems to me like I would feel like it was partially my fault, and if I had kept my mouth shut, then I could at least know that it was HIS decision and nothing I could do about it.
Sorry for the long post, it's just something that is bothering me, and I'm probably overthinking it, but I'd like to know how you guys handle it. (And the last time I overthought something, you guys were great!)
Re: Re-enlistment
I never say "yes definitely stay in" but I have always said to him, "this is your choice and if you choose to stay in I'm behind you 100%".
I help my H create a pro and con list because he has a hard time seeing the full picture when it comes to making a decision...he seems to focus just on the here and now. In my mind, it needs to be his choice because he's the one fulfilling the commitment not me and I don't want any resentment leveled at me.
As far as taking responsibility for a hypothetical worst case scenario, you just need to find a way to stop thinking like that...it's not healthy. It won't be your fault and it won't be your husband's fault...the fault will lie with the douchebag that fires the gun or sets the IED that creates this hypothetical situation. You really can't live your life and make decisions wondering what could happen tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now...regardless of if you're or your spouse is the military.
Last time we were up for reenlistment, I flat out told H not to reenlist, so he didn't. A few months later, I changed my mind and we both reenlisted. It took a lot of reflection and I had a whole journal of pros and cons written out.
My suggestion to you would be to put the topic on the back burner for about three years. Your husband is so new to it and he's not even in the functional military yet. Get to your first base, plan for BOTH scenarios. He needs to take classes to knock out his associate's, at the very least, and kick butt on all his training tasks. Keep your finances in order so that when he's in his reenlistment window, if you two decide to go back to the civilian lifestyle, you're not making the decision entirely out of fear that you won't be able to pay your bills. This enlistment would also be a good time for you to get some education squared away, if you haven't already earned a degree.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket and don't put the cart before the horse.
I completely agree with this.
He really needs to get his feet wet before he starts considering these things. He will change his mind every other month between now and when it is time to re-enlist. Slow down.
For us, we both sat down and talked about the pros and cons. In my case, it was time for me to get out. H's job has him gone far more often than he is home. He can also be called out with in a few hours notice. If I was gone when a call came in, we'd be screwed.
In his case, we decided it is best, for now, for him to make a career out of it. He reclassed a couple years ago from infantry to a job that has many more opportunites in the civilian world and the Army. The education opportunities the Army can offer him while he's in are far beyond what we could afford on the civilian side. He'll have his 20 years in at 40 years old. The pension and benefits at that point are something we can't pass up. He'll still be young enough to pursue the civilian side of the work he does and be able to work on a second retirement. Looking way into the future, it will help us be far more comfortable when we are older.
I agree with all of this.
When I was enlisted, I planned on separating after my first term from the very beginning. I only had 3 college courses under my belt, and was "just going to finish school" when I got out. A few months before my separation date I got a sweet assignment to Okinawa. It was an opportunity I couldn't pass it up so I re-enlisted. I am so, so glad I stayed in for another term. I ended up earning my bachelor's degree and saving $$. I separated after that term.
I'm not saying this is going to happen, or it's the choice for you. Just keep in mind something may happen down the road that could make you both change your minds.
I will agree with the others and say put it on the back burner.
Furthermore, I'm going to touch on the whole IT thing. Dh and I are both in the commo field and he does it also on the civilian side(contractor), I currently do not but I have. Just because he does it in the military, it is not a guarantee that he'll get out and instantly have a job with lots of money. Yes, he will be a very desirable candidate but the last two contracting companies DH has worked for, he's had to fight tooth and nail because he doesn't have an actual degree in computers. There are a ton of people retiring/getting out with years, decades even, of IT experience and it's dog eat dog competition. So, the best advice I can give YH is to have him get an actual college degree while he is in. This will greatly increase his appeal to various companies.
Thanks for all the feedback!
I have had a similar feeling that he will change his mind a LOT over the next little while. He signed a 5 year contract with the USMC and (as of right now) he is going with the plan that he will re-enlist (if he is able with the downsizing) at least once after his first five years. But, like you guys have said, that could change again.
One of the reasons he is thinking about staying in for at least a second term, is, like BLT suggested, to get some college under his belt. He wants to have a degree, and learn at least one other language, while he is in.
I will graduate summer 2013 with a bachelor's in social work, and intend to go right into my master's if I can get accepted into my university's grad program (they will let me do the entirety of my master's online with a university liaison since I am a military dependent). And we are both good with money, him more so than me, and he is really into saving what extra we have, staying out of massive debt, etc.
So based on what your guys are saying and what we are planning, I feel pretty good about all of this now. Thanks!
Dh always wants my honest opinion and I always give it to him. While in the end, I do think it is "his decision" it is a decision for us and our future children, which is why I think it is important to voice your opinion.
In general, my opinion has always been do what will make you happiest, because I love the life we have now and I know we also have a lot of opportunities in the civilian world too. From my "happiness" standpoint, I just need him to be happy with his job and with the decisions we're making for our family.
Ultimately, that means the burden of deciding is put on DH, but I do help him create a pros and cons list.
The plan we had when DH enlisted was he was going to do a 4 year enlistment and then either get out or jump to the officer side of things(he already had his BS before enlisting but thought he would ultimately make a better officer if he was first enlisted). Between then and when his first contract ended, the "plan" changed probably 5 or 6 times. After a lot of research and talking about the pros and cons and what we want longterm---not just at the end of the enlistment---he decided to reenlist. I think making the decision to reenlist is a process and it's never to early to think about what you may want at the end of a current contract, but just keep in mind that opinions change with experience. It's never too early to start researching options you think would be good deacons for your family.
My marriage is a partnership. I can't imagine letting him make such an important decision without me giving my full input. Of course I won't tell him what to do, but he also won't tell me what to do (or make this decision unilaterally). It's a decision we have to come to together.
I certainly don't have all the information job-wise, but I will offer a my assessment based on how much information he gives me. The more he tells me, the more I can help him, and he's in agreement about that.
This.
My H was in the Army for years before we got met. Before deciding to get married, we agreed that I would do the Army thing for the remainder of his current service obligation (meaning, basically, that I would put my career second) and that we would make any future decisions re: staying in together (meaning that I would have veto power if I was 100% against his staying in). This works for us, because I can tolerate the things I dislike about Army life knowing that it won't be forever, I know get a vote next time, etc.
Likewise, I can't imagine making decisions about my job without his vote (and his veto, if my decision would significantly impact us both, such as causing a move). If he hadn't been okay with this agreement, it would've been a deal-breaker for me when it came to our relationship, since I had spent decades in school + training for my current job, and while I love and trust him, I do NOT trust the Army to look out for my best personal or occupational interests.
I missed the end of one of your paragraphs.
You say you'd hold back on giving him honest advice b/c you might regret it if something happens? You'd rather avoid giving feedback that would make him happy and fulfilled just to avoid being blamed? Sorry, but that's just juvenile. And kind of mean.
If this really is as good for him as you say, doesn't he deserve that?
H and I talk it out completely, and I'm not great at hiding my feelings with him. He knows my preference is that he stays in, and it was me who suggested his lat move MOS (which actually completely altered what I wanted to do, but I believed he would be happier, and he is).
It's our life, and his military career affects my life too. It's not just some job. It 100% affects the spouse, and I hate to see spouses think they have no right to be involved in decisions like that. I mean, tbh, I wouldn't quit my regular old civilian job without H's approval. It's part of our financial picture, and I wouldn't compromise that without his comfort being there. Same with him.
I have never, EVER understood the idea that just because H is in the military his career choices are his alone. As the trailing spouse, I need to have a say in his major career decisions because they directly (and dramatically) impact my life and career as well. For that matter, I wouldn't make a major career move without consulting H either. As partners, we have to act in the best interest of our family at all times, and that means giving and accepting input from one another.
To the OP, you are getting WAY ahead of yourself. I know how appealing it is to try to map our your future in excruciating detail, but this is something you have to play by ear. FWIW, when H and I got married (he'd been in the Army for 5 years at that point) the plan was that he'd stay in for the full 20. I didn't question that plan because as much as I thought I knew what military life would entail, I really had no idea. Now that we have a deployment under our belts and two kids to think about, plans have changed. Staying flexible and open to new options is something you need to learn.
28/100
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Sibil, I think maybe that last paragraph came out the wrong way?
I would never tell him not to stay in if that is what he said he wanted to do. And I would never not support his decision, either way. I just worry that if I said "yes, I think you should re-enlist", and then something happened, I would always wonder if I had not said anything, if he would have chosen to instead stay and then nothing would happen. But, as another poster said, (DowagerCountess, I think) that is a worst-case scenario and it's not good for me to think like that. So I'm definitely working on that part.
I do get what you are saying though, I think, which is that if my advice to stay in would ultimately lead him to a choice that would make him happier, then I should speak up and not let him potentially make a bad choice without my input just because I'm afraid of the consequences? And you are right, kind of similar to 'Stan's advice about her husband's lateral move. So yes, I am getting the feeling that I should be more comfortable with talking with him about this if he wants my advice.
And I will keep in mind that his ideas will probably change a lot between now and then. I'm just a planner, and his talking about it got that going.
This is so true. When H first enlisted he was all gung-ho about staying in for the full 20 years. 3 years later he says he wants to get out once his enlistment is up. He will probably change his mind 20 times before that time even comes up.
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