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Long, gross and waaaay TMI, but I've had a fun morning.
Okay, so I'm on this new diet / way of life / zen eating thing and have been going at it pretty well for about 2 weeks now (ish). I'm a veggie, I have stopped eating bread/wheat/pasta/rice for now to try to shed a couple (hundred) pounds or so and to try to manage this stupid disease a bit better. So that's the backstory to my morning. Everything is homemade, veggie and non-processed. Lots of salads and stir fried veggies, curries and basically stuff that DH hates but he chokes down to make me happy. (He's a keeper)
So anyway, I was all upset yesterday because the scale hasn't been moving very much, but I've been feeling lighter, smaller and "cleaner" ( I don't know how else to describe it, I just feel better somehow). I had a bit of a strange day yesterday because I'm not used to this dieting or healthy eating thing (obviously) and remarked to DH yesterday (this is where it really gets to be too much information and horridly gross, just stop here if you are of the easily offended kind. Seriously. STOP HERE) that I had been crapping like a champion racehorse all day. Seriously, like, 4 times in one day.
As usual, I binged on soy yogurt, fruit and popcorn late last night and went to bed feeling happy and full.
This morning, not so happy.
I woke up at 7am to my child smacking me in the face with an empty bottle (her way of subtly hinting that I need to get my arse out of bed and feed her) and before I could even open up my arms and the blankets for a snuggle I had this horrible wrenching in my guts and the feeling of a balloon being inflated in my intestines. Being mother of the year, I unceremoniously flung my child out of the way and over onto a sleeping DH, bolted out of bed and dashed for the bathroom, impressively leaping over her twin who was in the hallway trying to put on my bra, into the bathroom and slammed the door shut. I barely made it. It was a seat grabbing feet lifting kind of moment and, 2 minutes later I emerged from the bathroom, sweating profusely, and tried to get back into bed - where I was promptly kicked out by DH because "you can't just climb back in here after something like that".
What's a girl to do but trudge downstairs to make breakfast for the family?
I scrambled up some eggs with green onions, cheese and courgette, made the husband and kids some peanut butter toast as a side and cut up some pineapple, grapes, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries (topped with soy yogurt and cinnamon, of course) for everyone and we sat down to a nice family breakfast ( I can't cook to save my life, but damn, I can do breakfast!) while listening to the best of Bob Marley (as you do). About halfway through I get another rumbly in my tumbly (how the hell was there anything left in there to rumble?), my eyes go wide and I bolt from the table and up the stairs in a panic, trip over the cat (what kind of twisted bastard cat lays on stairs???) and again, barely make it to the bathroom in time. Another feet off the floor experience, and I returned, sweating and panting, to finish breakfast with the fam. DH thinks this is all very hysterical. (see, it pisses me right off that I can't make the guy laugh, except for laughing at me, which happens often)
Anyway, surely there is nothing left in my system and it was safe to go to work.
Surely.
Of all days, I had a critical meeting at our university partner's campus this morning. So I go, breeze through the meeting, get everything I needed done, was just nearing the end where typically we exchange niceties, re-iterate what was addressed, etc. and then I had another rumbly in my tumbly, but this time it was audible. I tried to cover it with a fake cough. I don't think it helped, as they looked concerned. Beads of sweat started to roll down my face as I tried to pretend that nothing strange was happening to me, and we all dispersed with the niceties and I left, trying my best to walk at a normal, human pace off down the corridor.
For those of you that know me well, you may know that I have serious bathroom issues. I will use the bathroom in my house, in your house and on a plane ( but only because I have to) but nowhere else if I can avoid it at all. Even at my office there is ONE bathroom that I will use, because only 3 people have access to it and they are clean people and it is cleaned twice a day. I won't' use hospital bathrooms or public toilets unless it is an absolute necessity and if so, I will clean the seat first, not touch any handles and just overall think that public loos are ridden with disease and poo smears. I don't know why, that's just me.
So the thought of using a university bathroom used by students horrifies me, and I convince myself that I can make it back to the office ( a 10 minute walk ) As I make my way back out I pass bathroom after bathroom but refuse to go in, convinced that I can hold it until I get back to work. The last bathroom I passed I seriously considered using, but kept going.
I get to the security gate, hand in my pass (that you have to go through this whole long process to sign for ), get through the automatic slider gate and am almost to the front door when it hits me, I will not make it back to the office in time. I had two options, bolt back into the university, find a bathroom and decimate it, or keep walking down onto a residential street, *** my pants and call DH to come pick me up. I seriously considered the latter, but against my better judgement I turned around and darted back to the receptionist (who knows me, how awful) and asked for my pass back - she had already deactivated it, and needed me to fill out the paperwork again. I explained to her that I had forgotten something and just needed to pop back in for a second, she insisted on the paperwork. I was nearly in tears, and had started to sweat profusely - I leaned over and whispered to her that I urgently needed to use the bathroom and, as she tried not to laugh too hard, she let me through the gate and watched me literally run down the hall.
I finally found a bathroom ( why are there always a million when you aren't looking, and never any when you are desperate? ), ran in and tried not to blanche at the used paper towel on the floor. The worst part, it wasn't empty, there were two girls in there chatting by the mirror ( who the hell hangs out in a bathroom? Get in, do your thing and GTFO!) and I tried not to look too OCD as I checked every stall for cleanliness (while squeezing my bum cheeks together) before selecting the most sanitary looking one, jumping in and closing the door.
Now what? I couldn't just sit down and let it go - there were people in there that would hear me and I'd be all embarrassed, because surely this wasn't going to be quick or quiet. Should I care? They're just uni students, I'll probably never see them again. What is it that reverts you back to your insecure high school self in a bathroom? Everybody poops, they've even written a book about it. Surely everyone has experienced explosive diarrhoea in their lives, why not just let it go? I couldn't. They'd laugh at me (well, to be honest, I'd piss my self laughing if I were in their shoes ) So I did the only thing I could to cover up the sound - as I sat down I simultaneously flushed - this was a horrible, horrible idea.
It covered about 70% of the sound, but the water shot up and hit me, as other stuff was coming out. I was sure that it was mixing and I was essentially splashing myself with my own poo, not to mention the mixed poo particles of other people that had used the toilet before me. I could feel it spraying my cheeks, my lower back, but I couldn't get out of the way because the outpour wasn't stopping either. It was horrible. Oh god, it was horrible. I'm sure they could hear me whimpering, and then the toilet flushing stopped and the sound of my flatulence and squirting horror filled the room as the two girls not only fell silent, but a slew of other girls and a boy came in. They heard, and were giggling and whispering about it. I couldn't go out to the sink to scrub myself raw and assess the splash back damage because well, there were people out there. So I hung out in the stall sitting on the toilet like an insecure 14 year old until they left. Once they finally did I was able to finish up and get ready to go.
So, as you do, I looked back in the bowl and to my horror and amazement, I had crapped out a full sized salad. Nothing else, just a completely formed full sized salad.
I can't tell if it's the diet, or I need urgent medical attention.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
Re: Long, gross and waaaay TMI, but I've had a fun morning.
I feel so sorry for you, but omg this is hilarious.
I'm going to say it's the diet though, when I went vegan way back when I had some major stomach issues, they cleared up though (I went from a fairly processed diet to vegan, whole, natural everything). Maybe give it time but also ask your doctor?
I love the details! Twin 2 putting on your bra! LOL
So sorry that you had such a rough day.
As a previous non-public bathroom pooper, I felt your sweat and pain. Being pregnant in Vietnam changed that and I knew all the hotel lobby bathrooms in Saigon.
Hope you're feeling better now.
And it's only Tuesday... dear Lord!
Sorry for the do-it-yourself bidet, that's the worst... had a similar though slightly less dramatic experience at a freakin' autogrill rest stop. I still feel dirty.
Anyway, hope things settle down soon!
This was my favourite part too! Tofu, that must have been absolutely, positively awful but you made it sounds hilarious. Hope it stops soon!
My H still does this.
My H still does this.
2012 Reading Challenge
I'm with Gibby, you really have amazing storytelling skills Tofu! I'm sorry about the episode but I do hope you're laughing about it now... I sure did, the story is just too well told!
On a side note, I'm your pooping champion pal
I poop at least four times a day. Now that your diet has changed your body is eliminating a great deal of toxins (yay!) so let it. Don't interrupt the new diet or the toxins now in motion will get stuck elsewhere in your system, most likely in your liver, and aggravate it. I hope the inconvenience will stop soon, though!
*WARNING* Possible TMI ahead!
Does anyone else cough when pooping in public bathrooms? I try that as a sound camouflaging technique and let me tell you I don't always succeed at synchronizing ::cough:: with ::plop::
Oh I feel for you!!! I read this as my tummy is doing a minor version of that but now I feel a whole lot better!!!! I've a touch of ibs and have your dilemma every now and then... Being out in public is a nightmare I agree...
Hope you feel better soon!
Tofu, you really need to write a book!
(And I hope you're feeling better soon!!)
Nope, I am a flusher... I try and flush as soon as I can in hope of keeping the smell away. I am more worried about assaulting the nose than the ears.
Hope you tummy gets um, settled pretty soon Tofu.
I haven't read through this, but I wanted to say:
I noticed you mention earlier about posting something with TMI and I sat here waiting and waiting and waiting. Now I see why it wasn't up earlier.
SERIOUSLY PEOPLE, DON'T HANG OUT IN THE F_ING BATHROOM AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IS IT TOO MUCH TO HAVE SOME FREAKING BACK GROUND MUSIC??
You have my sympathies. I have a lot of movement as a vegetarian who generally avoids simplified carbs like bread/rice/pasta etc. I also get horrible cramping and diarrhoea when my diet dramatically changes like when on holiday. I found coincidentally while trying to go vegan that cheese was a big trigger and when I don't have the carbs to stuff me up and counteract it it's very powerful. Any chance the soy or cheese or onions could be issues? Especially if you are eating more of them? I know some meds have really taxed my system and again, without the interference of digestion slowing carbs it was more noticeable.
If its just transitioning GI distress I hope it passes soon.
Tofu. I've been in your shoes with this. Walking by bathroom after bathroom because I was convinced that I could make it till I got home.
Now DH and I chuckle about Mercedes dealerships. heh.
2012 Reading Challenge
Now Nesting from Chicago, IL My nail blog:
lol, I came to Vietnam at 16 weeks pregnant and had SEVERAL close bathroom calls! The worst being when there was absolutely no other option than a public stall that was all wet inside, had no toilet seat and no TP!
I?m so sorry Tofu, but I am in tears, in tears over here, I?m laughing so hard. I can only imagine what great will-power or buns of steel it took not to let go until the last possible moment. ROFL. Thank you for making me laugh, though I know it was not a laughing matter at the time.
Hope you feel better soon.
Haha! A toilet I visited in Northern VN, about 3 hours from Sapa had pigs behind the stalls (if you could call the dark half walled room with a hole in the corner that), I loved that our driver told me they were the cleanest and the best toilets in the area!
Did you have your baby in Da Nang or in HCMC?