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sort of an update..And when do you know when to throw in the towel?
It's been a while since my first post. Basically I was feeling unhappy with my marriage for a bunch of reasons. Lack of communiction, intimacy etc. Dh is a pretty distant, introverted...most would say cold, person.
I actually grew a pair and had a talk with dh about how I've been feeling. He was surprisingly receptive and we had a good talk. Since then he's actually been putting forth an effort to communicate with me, to connect with me and pick up some slack with the house and with the kids. The problem is.....it's not fixing the way I feel. I don't feel like I love him anymore. I'm not sure if I ever did...? When I say I'm not sure....I really mean it. I care about the man, I do. I don't want to hurt him. I know I should want to work on making the marriage work. But if I'm totally and completely honest with myself, which I have not been for a very long time, my heart isn't in it anymore. I know many of you raised an eyebrow that I was never sexually attracted to him. And yeah....that's a pretty big red flag that should have stopped me dead in my tracks......11 years ago. Two kids and one big (underwater) mortgage later. Too little too late.
I was seeing a therapist for a while. But it wasn't a very good match, so I haven't been in about a month. I have an appointment with a different therapist next week (on referral from a friend)- so I'm looking forward to that.
I'm so afraid of just giving up. I'm afraid that my issues are preventing me from making this marriage work...from making me WANT to make this marriage work. (When I say issues, I'm speaking of my childhood of physical and emotional neglect). Am I walling myself off...? Is the lack of sexual attraction a smoke screen..? I'm so afraid of making the wrong decision and regretting it later. I feel like I'm going crazy in my head all day, every day. I feel like I can trust anything I'm feeling. And the fact that he's making a huge effort and going outside his comfort zone and I'm still feeling nothing makes me hate myself.
I guess this is part vent, and part question. Has anyone left a marriage for simple lack of love and emotion? I see so many stories of abuse, infedelity, substance addiction etc. and those are pretty clear cut. But this....just feels like giving up.
Re: sort of an update..And when do you know when to throw in the towel?
"Lack of communication, intimacy etc. Dh is a pretty distant, introverted...most would say cold, person."
This sounds just like my marriage (well 6 out of the last 7 years anyway) and I was fine staying married figuring things would improve since we were just in survival mode having two small children to take care of and the stress of both os us at the beginning stages of demanding careers
Then I found out he was cheating... and if I had been honest there were signs that he had cheated a few years earlier too (and if I'm really looking back, he may have during our first year of marriage too).
I could deal without romance, moonlight, and roses and him never telling me he loved me, nor touching me, no hand holding etc
I probably could have worked through the cheating
but not both....
Others have told me the marriage, even without the cheating, wasn't worth staying in. That I deserved better. But once you have children it's difficult to put your self, and your needs first.
I'm at the start of my Divorce and I don't regret my decision. I do regret that he cheated and that I find myself in this situation. But you can only play the cards you are dealt even if it's a crappy hand.