Politics & Current Events
Your mom friend is wearing casual clothes or a little makeup instead of the yoga gear and ponytail you may normally see her sporting. Psychologist and mom of two, Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., tells Team Mom on Shine that the mom could interpret your statement as: "You always look like a slob. Nice of you to finally put some makeup on. What is wrong with you?" Lombardo, author of "A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness," recommends that if you want her to know she looks pretty, say so: "You look great!" And if you just want to know her plans, then ask "So, what are you up to tonight?" or "Doing anything fun today?"
"You look so tired."
Whether you're talking to a new mom or a mom with older kids, telling her she looks tired is just another way of saying you notice she's not at her best. But she may have other reasons for her tired appearance. "Looking or feeling tired can, unfortunately, stem from a number of different issues ranging from lack of sleep or quality sleep, to poor nutrient status due to inadequate nutrient intake or absorption, to side effects of medications or chronic health conditions," says Nancy Steely, a naturopathic physician. If you're really concerned about how your mom friend is doing, ask her: "How's everything going?"
"You must really want a girl."
Moms of boys hear this question all the time. Amy Williams, a mom of two boys and founder of BoyMom Designs, says the second she was pregnant with her second child and announced she was having another son, the responses also included, "I'm so sorry!" and "Oh no! Two boys!" Sometimes people would make these comments in front of her other son. "It was awful and so negative," says Williams. "It hasn't been an 'oh-no' experience. It's been a blast." Her advice is to focus on the fact that a woman is having a baby, which is wonderful on its own. She wishes her friends would have said, "Congratulations, two boys!" or simply, "You're having a baby...that's terrific."
"My son/daughter would love to have a play date with your child. When can I bring him/her over?"
We love play dates, but this request sounds like veiled attempt to get free babysitting. Erika Myers, a licensed therapist and a mom, says it can lead to "one parent feeling responsible for hosting--and sitting for--another child." Myers recommends offering a trade. "If it works well, you can set up a regular system of alternating play dates giving each of you a much needed break." Other alternatives include meeting at a park or a kid-friendly location. "If your kids get along, chances are there may be many play dates in their --and your--future. Why not spend some time getting to know the mom of your son's new BFF. Down the line she may become a source of support and possibly a very good friend," Myers tells Team Mom at Shine.
"When did you get so gray?"
We seriously don't know why women ever say this to their friends...but they do. Are you trying to tell your friend you notice that she looks different? Or are you worried about her? Tell her. Because the mom hears something totally different, says Dr. Lombardo: "You look terrible; you really let yourself go. She thinks 'I used to take care of myself before the kids. Now I have no time. I am just a mess. And I can't even control these kids. I am worthless.'"
"When are you due?"
Before you ever ask any woman when she's due, ask yourself if she's actually told you that she's pregnant. "Asking a non-pregnant woman if she is expecting can trigger feelings of insecurity, guilt, and tap into body image issues," says Myers. If the mom is not pregnant, you've just reminded her that she hasn't lost her baby weight from a previous pregnancy. Or what if she's gained weight because of health issues that you weren't aware of? Try this: Don't say anything.
"When are you going back to work?
The implied statement under this question is that being at home with the kids isn't work, and strikes at the heart of mommy wars. "It's one of the worst questions. It causes huge guilt," says Diane Lang, a counseling educators who leads workshop for moms on creating balance and re-entering the workforces. "All we're doing to moms is making them re-question their choices and causing mom guilt and unreal expectations. There is no win-win. You're setting up a mom for failure for failure." If you're really just interested in finding out what your mom friend is up to, focus less on her employment situation and more on her, as a person (e.g., "What have you been up to?").
"I remember that stage. He/she will grow out of it."
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8 Things You Should Never Say To a Mom (Yahoo)
I expect adequate snarky responses to each of these by end of business, Monday.
http://shine.yahoo.com/team-mom/8-things-never-mom-161800431.html
"You're so dressed up!"Your mom friend is wearing casual clothes or a little makeup instead of the yoga gear and ponytail you may normally see her sporting. Psychologist and mom of two, Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., tells Team Mom on Shine that the mom could interpret your statement as: "You always look like a slob. Nice of you to finally put some makeup on. What is wrong with you?" Lombardo, author of "A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness," recommends that if you want her to know she looks pretty, say so: "You look great!" And if you just want to know her plans, then ask "So, what are you up to tonight?" or "Doing anything fun today?"
"You look so tired."
Whether you're talking to a new mom or a mom with older kids, telling her she looks tired is just another way of saying you notice she's not at her best. But she may have other reasons for her tired appearance. "Looking or feeling tired can, unfortunately, stem from a number of different issues ranging from lack of sleep or quality sleep, to poor nutrient status due to inadequate nutrient intake or absorption, to side effects of medications or chronic health conditions," says Nancy Steely, a naturopathic physician. If you're really concerned about how your mom friend is doing, ask her: "How's everything going?"
"You must really want a girl."
Moms of boys hear this question all the time. Amy Williams, a mom of two boys and founder of BoyMom Designs, says the second she was pregnant with her second child and announced she was having another son, the responses also included, "I'm so sorry!" and "Oh no! Two boys!" Sometimes people would make these comments in front of her other son. "It was awful and so negative," says Williams. "It hasn't been an 'oh-no' experience. It's been a blast." Her advice is to focus on the fact that a woman is having a baby, which is wonderful on its own. She wishes her friends would have said, "Congratulations, two boys!" or simply, "You're having a baby...that's terrific."
"My son/daughter would love to have a play date with your child. When can I bring him/her over?"
We love play dates, but this request sounds like veiled attempt to get free babysitting. Erika Myers, a licensed therapist and a mom, says it can lead to "one parent feeling responsible for hosting--and sitting for--another child." Myers recommends offering a trade. "If it works well, you can set up a regular system of alternating play dates giving each of you a much needed break." Other alternatives include meeting at a park or a kid-friendly location. "If your kids get along, chances are there may be many play dates in their --and your--future. Why not spend some time getting to know the mom of your son's new BFF. Down the line she may become a source of support and possibly a very good friend," Myers tells Team Mom at Shine.
"When did you get so gray?"
We seriously don't know why women ever say this to their friends...but they do. Are you trying to tell your friend you notice that she looks different? Or are you worried about her? Tell her. Because the mom hears something totally different, says Dr. Lombardo: "You look terrible; you really let yourself go. She thinks 'I used to take care of myself before the kids. Now I have no time. I am just a mess. And I can't even control these kids. I am worthless.'"
"When are you due?"
Before you ever ask any woman when she's due, ask yourself if she's actually told you that she's pregnant. "Asking a non-pregnant woman if she is expecting can trigger feelings of insecurity, guilt, and tap into body image issues," says Myers. If the mom is not pregnant, you've just reminded her that she hasn't lost her baby weight from a previous pregnancy. Or what if she's gained weight because of health issues that you weren't aware of? Try this: Don't say anything.
"When are you going back to work?
The implied statement under this question is that being at home with the kids isn't work, and strikes at the heart of mommy wars. "It's one of the worst questions. It causes huge guilt," says Diane Lang, a counseling educators who leads workshop for moms on creating balance and re-entering the workforces. "All we're doing to moms is making them re-question their choices and causing mom guilt and unreal expectations. There is no win-win. You're setting up a mom for failure for failure." If you're really just interested in finding out what your mom friend is up to, focus less on her employment situation and more on her, as a person (e.g., "What have you been up to?").
"I remember that stage. He/she will grow out of it."
It's nice to feel like you're not a rookie parent anymore and can offer guidance to another mom friend. Or maybe you're just trying to comfort a mom who is struggling. But perhaps the outburst you're witnessing isn't something a child will "grow out of" because unbeknownst to you, he or she has behavioral issues. Say Myers: "Unfortunately, it can come across as patronizing and dismissive. When a child is going through a difficult phase, or potentially has significant behavioral issues, parents can feel overwhelmed, inadequate, and defeated." Sometimes you just need to be a good listener. And if you feel the need to comment, Myers recommends trying something like "We went through something similar when was that age. It was really tough."
Re: 8 Things You Should Never Say To a Mom (Yahoo)
The first two and the last one do not bother me at all. I don't think I've heard the others yet ( other than when are you due but from people who knew I was pregnant lol) but dd is still pretty young.
Who the f would think to say the grey one?
I would NEVER volunteer that comment. If a friend brought it up, sure - we can compare our motherlodes of silver.
I actually heard a different one several years ago: my BFF was mom to a 7-yr old boy, and her husband wasn't the father but had adopted him when they got married. She found out she was pregnant. When they announced the news to our pastor's wife, with BFF's son right there too, the lady said to BFF's husband: "Oh, it'll be so nice for you to have your own now!"
The uyou must want a girl drove me batty.
I love when people tell me he will grow out of it. It is reassuring.
YES.
Before we found out Scarlett was a girl... everyone was like, "Oh I know YOU want a girl." I was like, "no, I want an alien, CROSS YOUR FINGERS!!!"
It's just obnoxious, and I know that I am super sensitive about boys. I think boys are awesome, fabulous little guys, and I feel like everyone gives them a bad rap. Before I had Jackson, I thought I'd want at least one of each, but when I got pregnant with Scarlett, I truly felt happy with having either. At the same time, I knew I'd be sad either way too, b/c it was likely our last. Never having a daughter seemed sad, but never having another sweet little boy like Jackson seemed sad, too, and him never having a brother seemed sad. I knew going into our big u/s, I was going to have a tiny bit of sadness either way.
I kind of agree. Some of these include a lot of mind reading...
"You look so dressed up today!"
What you really meant to say is: "I always wear yoga pants and look like I rolled out of bed...now I feel bad about that."
Honestly, if you wear yoga pants and ponytails all the time and then you DO dress up. It's an honest assessment isn't it.
Not more. Not less.
People do the same thing about sympathizing if you have 2 girls. People are just stupid about sexes in general.
I've gotten the "look tired" or "clean up well" comments, and while I tease about what it could imply, I take the sympathy or compliment as it's intended to be.
Yes,I'm smiling...I'm a marathoner!
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"You must really want a girl."
This was so annoying when I was pregnant with my daughter (didn't find out the sex until birth). Everyone kept saying they were hoping for a girl. I didn't have another child because I wanted a girl, I wanted a child and it didn't matter what the sex was.
What bothers me more is after I had my daughter, everyone comments how perfect it is that I have a boy and a girl, and that I don't need anymore. My family planning isn't based on other people's perception that once you have a boy and a girl you're good to go. I would love a 3rd child (not for a couple years), and I don't care if it's a boy or a girl. I don't understand why so many people think the ideal family has 2 kids- 1 boy and 1 girl.
Very strange article, someone had to work hard at coming up with these "common" problems. Half of them sound like something no one would ever say, and the other half are things you'd really have to overreact to in order to be offended.
"You must really want a girl."
"It was awful and so negative," says Williams. "It hasn't been an 'oh-no' experience. It's been a blast."
For Pete's sake. Just tell the commenter that then. Problem solved.
"When did you get so gray?"
Bull. NO ONE says this.
"When are you due?"
Come on. Everyone knows this by now. Except for people who are too stupid for even Yahoo lists.
"When are you going back to work?
The implied statement under this question is that being at home with the kids isn't work
Or maybe there is no implied question. It's an upfront, honest question - when are you returning to work. I think your co-worker should be allowed to ask you this. People understand the difference of what 'going to work' means over working at home. And if working moms think that being at home with the kids isn't work, it may be because no one's paying them for the time they spend at home with their kids from 5 :30 pm to 8:30 am, for example. We define work as something we do in exchange for pay. A stay at home mom is like an unpaid volunteer - volunteers often do the same tasks as paid workers, ie, they work hard but they're not at work.
"I remember that stage. He/she will grow out of it."
<snip> And if you feel the need to comment, Myers recommends trying something like "We went through something similar when was that age. It was really tough."
RME. I don't see the differnce. And they WILL grow out of it, so why not reassure the mom.
We get a variation on this. We are having a boy. We get "oh, DH must be SO happy its a boy!!"
We'd like a healthy baby, the sex is irrelevant.
My BIL said it to me the last time I was home for Christmas. Granted, he is a bit socially awkward- he also asked me if my son's birthmark on his cheek hurt him (my son was about 2 months at the time).
I think a lot of those shouldn't be said to anyone, mom or not.
But, I would like to add this one : "So when is your LO going to be a big brother/sister"? My kid is seven months and someone just asked me this the other day. Oh, IDK.....when I win the lottery and can afford another IVF, I guess.....
First, love your sig. Love.
Second, I'm not a mom but I hate the "You look tired" line. I don't get all butthurt over it but really, how is that a compliment in any way? I usually just tell them 'well thank you, I feel it too' and drop it.
No people do ask this. I must carry the last 5 kg on my stomach becuase every time I get near my goal weight this comment comes flying out (it did when I was 22 and it still does now when I'm in my 30s). I always reply "No just fat".
This happened to me when DH and I went to get our marriage license. Not the greatest thing to say to a bride.
I do wish people wouldn't tell me I look tired. It just makes me feel ugly and I think -- wow, I look bad.
I have an only child and even though it's not on a list, I hate when people tell me that having an only child is cruel, etc.
I'm not a mom, and I want to throat punch people when they say this to me. Someone I know fairly well from another university said this to me last week at a conference, and I flat out said to him "It might be easier to just tell me I look like shiiit."
It's not an appropriate comment, period.
Considering people ask me all the time when I'm due, and then follow-up with "Is it twins?"...I'm sure plently of people ask non-pregnant women when they're due. People are dumbas*ses who don't care about being rude, I've noticed.
I hate the fact that people feel perfectly willing to say "Oh? A Boy! Your H must be so happy!"....sure, he is. But if he were being perfectly honest, he wanted a girl. He'll love our son, and has gotten more and more excited the closer we get, but before we knew, he had a preference for a girl. I don't tell people that anymore, because when I said "Oh, he's happy, but he really wanted a girl, too" people look at me like he's a freak. It's a no-win situation.
It gets worse. My daughter just turned five and I swear to God that I am discussing our reproductive plans with someone every other day. For some reason, people can't comprehend that waiting this long was actually a choice for us.
We also get the "I bet DH wants a boy" thing. Yes, he would love a boy but he also would love to have another little girl. Everyone in DH's family was hoping that DD would be a boy, since all the grand kids in his fam are girls, and it pissed me off. I'm talking the day we announced we were pregnant to them. "Congrats! Hope it's a boy." Ok. Thanks?
my read shelf:
This. Ya'll need a boy! No, we have two kids which is perfectly fine with us. We're not paying for anymore kids and I'm not popping another one out. While I was joking but serious, I recently told a church member about dropping trying to have a boy in my "spirit" -
"Two things will happen if we have another child, 1) I will know it was the hand of God if I get pregnant, and 2) A urologist in this city will be sued."
Oops. I asked my best friend when she was going back to work. Or maybe I phrased it differently, like "how long is your maternity leave." Is that really that bad? I was 100% sure that she was going back to her job.
I cannot believe that people make comments about gray hair!