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Break Up (for real this time)?
Ok, so I have a 3 year relationship that I'm going to try to summarize as briefly as possible before getting to my major problem and request for advice.
I was in a relationship with my boyfriend/best friend for about 3 years. I am 29, he is 34. We are both well educated, financially independent working professionals, and generally good people. We both live close to each other in nice homes with great roommates. We have never lived together and had the typical bf/gf relationship with maybe more than the usual ups and downs, broke up a few times briefly just to get back together again shortly thereafter. Our breakups usually were because I was unhappy and unable to communicate it without breaking up. Since then I have tried to work on my communication skills and have realized that most of my unhappiness was my own issues that I took out on him. Our last breakup with 5 months ago and after that one we have not gotten back together-- and so this is my problem and request for advice.
I was always the one to break up with him because I felt unhappy and that he wasn't "the one." Then when I'd be apart from him I'd want him back and be in love with him all over and think he could be "the one." I realize this is a weird, unhealthy pattern of mine that was very unfair to him. Well, this last breakup 5 months ago was like all our other breakups. Except this time when I wanted to get back together a few weeks after because I was feeling like I loved him again and he was "the one" he did not want to get back together (totally understandable-- I know!). Now, I understand that I am neurotic and it's not fair to keep dumping your bf and expecting him to take you back every time you change your mind. But that's exactly what I do, and that's exactly what I wanted to happen this time. So I respected his position and he said that he wasn't sure if he wanted to get back into a relationship with me and he needed time to think about it. It has been 5 months. I have brought it up a few times, and each time he has said he can't give me an answer yet and not to pressure him for one.
Well, in these 5 months of not being his girlfriend, I have continued to date him, sleep with him, and basically spend about 1/4th of the time we used to spend together. He has gotten some new hobbies/friends that take up 90% of his time that I am not involved in. I have tried to also take up some new hobbies to fill up my time also so I don't feel lonely/neglected. I still love this person and he tells me that he still loves me. I am not dating anyone else (I dated a bit but stopped because I still love my old bf and felt like I was cheating on him), and to my knowledge he isn't dating anyone else either. However, this is not a normal relationship. I want someone who WANTS to be with me, spend a great deal of quality time with me, include me greatly in his life, and make me feel like I am important. I am not getting any of those things from him. I know it is important to also consider his needs--but I'm not sure what his needs are. He seems to be just fine with spending minimal time with me, and seems to have replaced me with his new hobbies and friends. I have been hanging on hoping that we can become a happy loving couple again-- and one that will last this time and not break up for a 5th time. I realize from an outside perspective this sounds ludicous since why would the relationship work now when it failed the 4 previous times? I am stuck on this guy, and every time I try to cut the cord already and stop thinking about him, he says or does something that reels me back in. I love this guy and want a real relationship with him (better than it was before). This guy loves me but does not want to resume our relationship (although he is happy to keep sleeping with me-- I can't believe I've been reduced to a "friend with benefits.") He is not a bad guy. I'm the one who did the breaking up. I just need someone to tell me what I already know deep down-- IT'S OVER. GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON. STOP SLEEPING WITH A GUY WHO OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T WANT YOU ANYMORE. Can someone please make me see that no matter how much I love this guy it is useless to keep waiting around for him and that I am wasting the last year of my 20s when I should be out enjoying life and finding someone who WILL be able to meet my needs and will actually reciprocate my feelings. It is so hard to let go! Please help! Thank you!
Re: Break Up (for real this time)?
Ok, here you go:
IT'S OVER. GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON. STOP SLEEPING WITH A GUY WHO OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T WANT YOU ANYMORE.
In all seriousness if you don't want to be FWB and that's what he's offering you should move on. Also, have you solved your communication issues? It would be terrible to repeat this kind of relationship with a new guy.
GL
#1: You keep breaking up with him...so, how can he possibly be "the one"????
#2: You need counseling for your communication issues. Why is breaking up with someone repeatedly a way of communicating????
#3: He'd be stupid to take you back. You'll probably just break up with him again. So... it sounds like he's moving on somewhat... now it's time to let go of the sex too.
I can't stop laughing about how you so obviously point out your flaws and then proceed to blame your predicament on him because now you're so willing to get back together.
Listen, take a page from this guys book and move on. He keeps sleeping with you because he enjoys it, you're familiar and you let him. I don't blame him. You just need to decide if this situation is helping or hurting you at this point.
And I highly doubt you "fixed your issues" within the span of this 5 months since your break up. Please continue your therapy.
"If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it. Don't be mad when you see a knit cap won it. If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it."- Fenton
You jerked this guy around for three years, making the relationship what was convenient for you... breaking up with him whenever you felt like it and calling him expecting him to take you back every single time. Well I guess he had enough of you playing him like a fool and now this relationship is perfect for him. He's getting the sex that he wants, and now he's the one calling the shots and playing the game perfectly.
Y'all are old enough to know that relationships shouldn't be treated like some game. You need to move on. If you're not comfortable just having sex with this guy with no strings attached then you seriously need to just break it off and get into a healthy relationship.
Can vacation be now please?
I haven't read the other responses yet so if this has already been said then maybe there is a reason for it:
It is obvious that he is no longer interested in pursuing a relationship with you. I would guess the only reason he continues to spend time with you and have sex with you is because nothing worthwhile has shown up in his life yet and being with you makes the time pass more quickly. I am sorry that you're having to go through this and hearing the answer from other people is not going to make you change your mind. I'm really sorry to say that unless you start believing what you already know you're going to wake up one day to find him in a relationship with someone else, not returning your calls, and wondering where the last X number of months went. It is never easy to let go but you will find someone one day that makes all of this look like a big waste of time. Good luck!
I agree with this. You break up with him multiple times and now that he has decided he is sick of being treated that way he is somehow to blame. You need to move on, because he has.