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What to do
My family has been going to Florida every other year since our first son was born, not long since he's 5, but we did the same thing growing up. My brother asked us to go on a cruise, followed by a few days in Disney. Well, my FIL who is a big Disney fanatic as well asked us to go on the Disney cruise also, but not until the following year. However, my DH asked my Dad if his Dad could go along with my family instead of taking two trips, which I agree is expensive. He said it's his Dad's dream to go on a vacation with my family. Why? I don't know. Well, I was little hurt when my DH asked my Dad that because that is our time with my family. My DH says that one extra person shouldn't be a big deal, since his Dad (DH parents got divorced when he was 3 and never remarried) he is all by himself and he feels that he misses out when we've gone on family trips before. My family pretty much said no that this is their time with the grandkids and their children. Growing up we never took trips with both sides of the family. We would go one year with my Mom's side and then one year with my Dad's. So, that's what my parents are used too and that is what my brother's family does too. So, now my DH is hurt and upset that my family doesn't want his Dad or like him and that isn't the case.
Thanks any insight would be great, you ladies are the best at this stuff.
Re: What to do
I don't understand why you're "hurt" that your DH talked to your dad. What exactly are you "hurt" about?
Past that - can you all afford to do both trips? If so, if it's really THAT big of a problem that his dad join your fmaily, then take 2 trips
But if you'd really rather not take 2 trips, I feel "it's one year, one vacation". In talking about who is "hurt" in this, I absolutely see your DH's stance much more so than yours. All he did is ASK your dad. You AND your parents are all out and out saying "No, we don't want your father with us".
You're being kind of flippant about this being his dad's dream, but what if you stopped going w YOUR family? How would they feel, how would you feel?
As this is your parents "special time w/ our grandkids so no one else can possibly come with us", I'd bet that they would be pretty darn upset if this tradition stopped. But yet... you dont' understand why his dad wants to do the same thing...???
Times changes, circumstances change. Your family seems to be relatively large. It's just FIL. JUST FIL. And your entire family is saying "No" to him.
I'm not really getting it, to be honest.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
How is that not the case? If they *did* like him, they wouldn't have an issue with having one more person along for the trip. Using "we've always done it this way" is a complete cop out and just easier to say than we don't like him or want him around.
You are being disrespectful to your DH and your FIL and you shouldn't be shocked they are hurt by it.
So, now my DH is hurt and upset that my family doesn't want his Dad or like him and that isn't the case.
"You're not welcome to come on this trip with us" ... geez, I wonder why your husband and FIL think that your FIL is disliked by your family?
You and your family are being unreasonable. Your FIL's presence on the trip would not affect the family tradition in the slightest. Your FIL's presence would not take their children or grandchildren away from them. I could understand if your husband's entire extended family wanted to join up and expected to spend every waking second with your family, but this is one guy, someone who's all alone.
Frankly, you're all being incredibly mean and hurtful to your FIL, and I don't blame him in the slightest for being insulted.
You and your family sound incredibly selfish. That's my insight.
Seriously? Why not let the man come along?? Clearly he wants to spend some family time with you - how is it hurting to have him there too?
Insight? Your DH and his dad should be upset, and offended!
In thinking about this more, clearly whatever conversation YOU had w/ your parents probably involoved a lot of contempt and "Ugh, can you believe this???".
I can't imagine going to my parents and asking them genuinely (as in it's important to my DH) if FIL could go w/ us and them actually saying NO to this. If they felt it was important to DH and I, they would gladly accomodate this request.
I think it says a lot about your parents that they said no, but again, I also wonder how exactly YOU approached them with this.
I would be furious w/ my DH and his family if they did what you and your family are doing.
And I'll tell you too- this is coming from someone who really would rather not vacation w/ my IL's. My DH and I avoid it as best we can. But in the situation you described, I just can't see saying no.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Several thoughts...first, I'm wondering (and don't know the answer) if you substituted the phrase MIL for FIL if everyone would have the same reactions, I think people tend to think of FIL's more favorably then MILs
That said, I agree with everyone, it was a reasonable request, a good idea...and while your family is under no obligation to say yes, I don't see why you wouldn't.
Also, if you can't take a trip with both, then you can't take a trip with one over the other. I find myself turning down my parents requests for vacations but we seem to go with my IL's a lot...and I'm not sure how it ended up that way but I don't think it's fair and am working to change it.
Even though this is a tradition for your family, you should still make time for FIL. Especially because if you keep this tradition up, and can only afford to go on vacation every other year...then your FIL never gets his chance.
This. Your kids aren't exclusively your parent's grandkids- they're your FIL's grandkids too. And this was handled wrong from start to finish.
I don't blame your FIL for feeling like your family doesn't want him- because they don't, as far as I can see. It probably took a lot for him to even ask if he could go along on this vacation, and to be responded to like that?
I also don't blame your DH for feeling disrespected. You and your family seem to have made it very clear that you have two seperate families- his and yours.If I were your FIL and you told him he could come along after all, I'd tell all of you to take your vacation and do something physically impossible with it.
Don't be surprised if there's fallout from this that lasts for a while.
Have you gone on vacation w/ him before? If not, why not?
I have to agree w/ others- based on what you wrote here, if I were your DH, I would be PISSED. PISSED. This would probably change my attitude towards your family. I'd have a hard time being around them, and I don't know how many other vacations I'd really be looking to take with them if not even ONE TIME they could open up their arms to include my father.
If we were going on vacation with my in-laws (I shudder at the thought...MIL and I do not get along) and my mom wanted to join and MIL said 'nope. sorry, this is our family trip not yours' I'd be livid. I mean, livid.
And claiming that you do like your FIL but don't want him on the vacation makes zero sense. Telling him no means that you don't want him around...how else is he supposed to feel?!
Take 2 vacations or put your foot down with your family. When 2 people get married, their families are linked, especially if there are grandkids involved. It's totally unreasonable for your parents to be so monopoizing with your kids vacation time.
the mr & mrs blog
I have a question. What if you were planning a trip with your family and your husband asked if his parents can come along, would you do it or not? I just want to know how many people travel with both sets of parents. I never meant to project that it was going to be one or the other. I actually think we should do the trip with my side and then the following year take a vacation with his Dad. He doesn't even know about what is going on, my husband asked on behalf of him.
As I said before - my IL's would LOVE to vacation w/ us. We avoid it as best we can. We have yet to do a full week with them. But 2 years ago, we went to the beach w/ my parents and we're doing so again this year. For a full week.
I don't feel there has to be any "tit for tat" between sides when vacationing with family. But my IL's aren't all alone, they travel a fair amount, they have friends they do stuff with, etc.
There are a lot of "if/when's" that we can throw out, and while I'm being upfront about how I would NOT want to vacation w/ my IL's, in the situation YOU described, I could not imagine saying "No" to my DH about his dad (or mom) joining us, nor could I imagine my parents saying no either.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I haven't had my FIL along on a trip with my family, but my family always includes him in stuff like holidays and general get-togethers at their house. I really can't imagine them saying no if MH asked if FIL could come on a family vacation with us. My parents' attitude is "the more, the merrier." My sister's BF was included on our last big family vacation, and I was included on a family vacation with MH and his parents while we were still dating.
My situation is like yours ... I'm married to someone who's an only child and only ha shis dad left (MIL died several years ago). I could DEFINITELY see MH being incredibly insulted and hurt if he was flat-out told that his father wasn't welcome to something that my family was doing.
Is there more of a backstory here? Is there a history of FIL asking to tag along, has he been rude to your family, do you have a bad relationship with him, do you all live together and he's always around and you just want some time to yourselves (although this doesn't make sense if you'll be around your family the whole time)?
I get what you're saying, that he doesn't HAVE to be included just because he asked. But at the face-value of your post, I can 100% see why your husband is pissed off at you and your family about this, and I really don't blame him. Again, though, if there's more to the story then please fill us in.
Of course you feel this way because your family comes first no matter what. Your entire attitude reeks of it, and whatever scraps you manage to sweep together after your family has had their wants fulfilled, well, I guess you can toss some your FIL's way if you simply have no other choice.
Has anyone sat down and thought how much fun it would be for your son to have not one but TWO grandpas with him on a trip to Disney?
Also, stand in your DH's shoes. How would you feel if his family shot down a member of your family in this same situation. Just because your family never traveled this way before doesn't make it wrong.
I am going to be the lone dessenting voice I guess.
But if I were in this position and I were asked to include someone, be it my child's INLAWS or friends or even girlfriend (not living together or engaged) on my very expensive vacation, one that I have saved up for, planned for, that I use my vacation time for, I would politely say no to as well.
Even ONE person can throw off the whole tenor of a vacation, no matter how nice they are. From wanting to see different things (again, if I spend thousands of dollars on a vacation I want to see what I want to see, eat what I want to ear, etc - selfish, you betcha but damn it I earned that money and budgeted that money) to worrying about them.
think of the precedence this is setting. Your sister got to bring HER FIL, why can't we bring MY parents? What started out as a tradition to recharge the family batteries is no longer about the family.
And there is NOTHING WRONG with being a family.
Finally, the OPs FIL is a grown man. Unless he is dying, one more or even three more years won't kill him by not seeing Disney. Heck if it that important, have him pay for it.
I think it's weird that your family would have said no to letting him come with you. It would make things so much easier to go on the one trip with everyone there (unless of course they just really don't get along). I'd probably rethink this. What is the harm?
I know with my family it'd be a definitely non-issue. It'd probably be more like: " Oh you want to go on the exact same trip the next year with them...well why not just come with us!? We can show the kids everything for the first time TOGETHER!"
I have a question about the "rules" regarding your family vacation "tradition"...if you had married your DH and he had a child from a prior marriage--would that child be excluded from trips with your side of the family as well?
And to answer your question, yes we have done vacation trips with both sets of ILs. I have spent x-mas with my brother's ILs because my parents were out of the country and I'd otherwise be alone. As far as by brother's in-laws are concerned, I became a member of their family the day my brother did. DH and I have hosted T-giving for 8 out of the last 10 years--we invite all family (both sides) and friends. Most years, it's just been my parents and DH's step-brother and sSIL--we have a great time. Two years ago we had my parents, DHs dad and stepmom, his stepbrothers and family (DHs stepdad's kids, spouses and kids), DH's stepdad's sister, stepkids from DH's stepmoms sides, and even DHs stepbrothers stepson and his wife and kid. Throw in a grandmother and a couple aunts and uncles and everyone had a blast and wants to do it every 5 years now.
IMHO, any family "tradition" that is in place just to exclude others, isn't worth maintaining as a tradition.
We have gone on vacations with both my family and DH's parents, separatly. We do it because we know our parents want to spend time with us, so even though I don't get along that well with DH's parents and he doesn't get along that well with my parents, we both just kind of "suck it up" for our spouse.
And I agree it has a lot to do with how you talked to your parents about FIL coming along. Our next "family" vacation is to a place that both sets of parents wanted to go , so we are going with both sets of parents. We each told our own parents that our spouse's parents are coming along - and kind of made it into a "you can join us or you could choose not to come" type scenario. Both sets of parents chose to join. If you really wanted to include your FIL and stood firm on this with your own parents, then I can't imagine your parents saying no. Hence I think it's not unfair for your DH to place the blame on you and be upset. And to be honest, it's not a very long vacation - you are all adults and it's not as if you are going to be together 24/7.
This. I cannot believe you would not make your FIL welcome.
You're hurt? Really?
I'm sorry but you and "your" family seem incredibly self centered and self absorbed. Why are we playing either or here? It's one man, a man who is equally your children's grandparent as your mother and father.
Do I think it should be a given that your H's father goes along? Not necessarily but it's also not some kind of personal affront that he asked to go along.
Click me, click me!
Who planned the trip? If you and your DH planned it and he wants to include dear old dad, then I think it's fine.
But if your parents planned the trip, and don't have a close relationship with your FIL then I actually think it's rude to invite other people along. Your plans, you set the guest list. You don't invite oter people to someone else's party right? I don't see why the family is getting vilified for this (unless there is a close relationship already, OP and her DH helped plan the trip and this didn't come out of the blue)
I feel like the other posters are being really harsh about this. Most in-laws don't really know each other well, they often don't have much in common except that their kids are married.
WHY should the OP's family have to invite this guy on their family trip? I think it would be very bizarre in most families for the in-laws to all travel together.
I will say, however, that a cruise is the perfect type of vacation to take when mixing groups of people. You can all split off and do different things all day long, and meet up for a nice dinner, or whatever. So if you were ever to vacation with both sides of the family a cruise is a good way to do it.
Do your family and your FIL have a lot in common? Do they know him well? Is he socially awkward or likely to be clingy? I feel like I need more information to get the full picture...
Dude, no one is saying they should have invited the FIL. I'm not even sure most of us are saying the FIL should go. What we are saying is that the OP has no right to be hurt by the FIL asking and perhaps ought to give it some consideration instead of dismissing it out of hand as a personal insult.
Click me, click me!
I would be wierded out if someone said it was their dream to vacation with my family. Sorry, that is strange!
I don't think it's that strange that your parents don't want an extra IL on the trip they are planning. It's a family trip. I know when my family invites extra guests (their friends) it's a different vibe and is not something I would want for an entire week (although maybe a cruise would be ok, since you are not thrown together constantly). I have also known many grandparents who dislike "sharing" their time with their grandkids, especially if the time is limited, IMO that's not unusual or particularly mean if they only see the grandkids a couple of times per year.
However, I think you need to have a long talk with your H. It's not fair to go to Disney with your family, exclude your FIL, and not go to Disney with your FIL "because we've already done that expensive trip (especially when he is a huge Disney fan)." So you either have to budget for two trips, invite FIL with your parents, or take neither trip.
honestly, this is the assholiest post I've read all day.
and that's saying a lot.
I was promoted to register and de-lurk by this post.
I experienced this from a kid's point of view when I was a teenager. My mom's parents lived near us and were ALWAYS around - every weekend, multiple nights a week for dinner, every school event, etc. Once a year, my dad's extended family (all siblings and as many kids as could make it) took a week-long beach vacation, basically renting a large house and just relaxing and spending time together (dad's family was basically scattered across the country, so this was our once-yearly family time).
One year, my mom said she wanted her parents to join us; my dad said he wished they wouldn't, not because he didn't like them, but because he wanted the focus to be on HIS family. My mom ignored him and asked his siblings if they were ok with it, and they said it was fine. So my mom's parents joined us, and ended up leaving early because my dad asked them if they would be ok with going out to dinner alone one night, and they were completely insulted. It caused a huge rift between my dad/my mom and her parents.
Obviously, I don't really know the backstory of the OP, but I don't see why it is a problem. When you invite yourself, you run the risk of not being welcome. She may have married her husband's family, but her extended family didn't.