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dealing with weddings post-divorce
I just got the bridal shower invite for my childhood best friend who's getting married this August. This will be the first bridal shower/wedding that I've attended since my divorce 2 years ago and I'm struggling with so many emotions. On one hand, I'm happy for her and wish her the best in her new life. I'd also like to go to the wedding, take my SO, and have a good time. On the other hand, I'm so jaded about weddings and marriage in general that I feel it would hinder my ability to enjoy myself at the bridal shower and/or wedding. To complicate matters, I asked her to be my MOH back when I was getting married and she turned me down. I'm still a little hurt about that even though I understand her reason for saying no (working, far to travel, not enough money). I'm also a little miffed (but at the same time relieved) that she didn't ask me to be part of her bridal party. I mean, come on, with NINE bridesmaids, you're telling me you couldn't find an extra spot?
So, do I go to the bridal shower, the wedding, or both? Going to one of these would definitely be more than she ever did for me. How do I deal with all my mixed emotions? Thoughts?
Re: dealing with weddings post-divorce
Think less.
And be more forgiving.
She has 9 people in her bridal party? Yikes. I bet she had a lot of pressure on her to have this person and that person and so and so's sister and so on... you don't want to be in it, so don't be bitter! Those nasty feelings are a poison... to you!!
Is the bridal shower do-able for you? Do you want to go? Doesn't sound like it. Decline and send a reasonable gift and nice card instead. By reasonable, I mean small.
Then go to the wedding, if you can be pleasant, and have fun.
Its not your problem if lots of marriages aren't great. Its a party. That's it.
Ha, good point!
I think one question you have to ask yourself is - are you hesitating/debating because it is a new post-divorce thing that might bring up emotions or a my friend burned me thing that might bring up emotions?
You might have your answer after that. I went to 3 weddings in 3-4 months starting about 6 months post divorce....I went to all with the same date. At the first, I was expecting no emotion - but the actual vows got to me because they were original and between a couple that truly loved each other despite any flaws and I did not have that. The second was more traditional and I just had fun! The last was my cousins that I completely did not approve of, I hated the way he was changing through the relationship, and after all I had just went through it killed me to see him possibly making a mistake. Alas, I decided to go and support him...unfortunately with his words at a dance during the reception when asked I asked him if he was happy - I am/was not re-assured.
So, that being said I did have some fun at all 3, however you never know what you are going to feel in a moment until you are in that moment.
I would definitely go to the wedding. I'm kind of jaded about marriage as a whole too. Still, she's in love. She's happy. She wants to celebrate that. I would go, support her, and try to have a good time. The bridal shower.... meh. If you can make it happen without too much trouble or bad feelings I would go. If not, just send a gift and call it good. I'm not a fan of bridal showers so I try to get out of those whenever possible...
I'm going to my cousins wedding this fall. Like I said, I'm pretty jaded on marriage right now. I also don't know if they've made the best decisions in the whole marriage department (it's a long story but essentially she ran off to get eloped with all of his family but none of ours, including uninviting her parents). I'm still going to go and support her love. I'm sure it will be a good time because I want it to be.
I'd say it sounds like you have more issue with her and less about the actually wedding stuff. If you don't feel close to her, don't go, but you'll probably end up losing her as a friend. If your relationship with her is worth saving, go and support her.
FWIW, one of my good friends is getting married this fall and I am beyond thrilled for her (my divorce won't be final a year by the time she gets married). I did pass on a girls weekend to go dress shopping and to a bridal fair because I was less than a month out from the divorce. I just told my friend I wasn't in a good place to attend the weekend, but offered to help her plan her bachelorette party. I'm excited to attend her wedding and support her, her fiance and their future....oh and I'm excited about buying a new dress and getting my drink on!
It sounds like you have issues with weddings and your friend. However this is her wedding and has little to do with you. Go if you really want to express your happiness and have fun... stay home if you are going to be bitter and resentful.
Divorce happens but you can't avoid weddings/engagements and bridal showers for the rest of your life. At some time you will need to start letting go of the jaded thoughts and find hope again.
I was **in** a wedding as a maid/matron of honor 2 weeks before my divorce was final. It was tough. She also wanted me to give a speech! I read a Native American (can't remember the specific tribe) blessing.
I still question "marriage" as society views it, but I definitely support lots of relationships and if they chose to marry then I celebrate the individual unions. Hopefully that makes sense.
Don't base your decision on her actions or lack of actions. You can only control you. She invited you to her bridal shower and wedding, which means she wants you to be apart of this special time in her life. So the question is do you want to be apart of it?
I say rip the bandaid!
I had to go to two weddings after my separation, the first one I was bridesmaid and it was very difficult, the second one was a blast.
Marriage is overrated.
The first wedding ceremony I attended post divorce showed me that I have more self control than I ever knew I had. Directly behind me in the church was the "woman" who EX was suspected of cheating on me with. I had to restrain myself throughout the entire mass to not turn around and punch her. (I generally am not angry or violent). To make matters worse, she was texting the entire time and I assume it was EX she was communicating with.
I pretty much cried throughout the mass, but in some weird way it felt good to get the first wedding ceremony, and the first sighting of "her" out of the way. I have a couple weddings coming up this summer and I am looking forward to just having fun at them. Good Luck!
I went to my cousin's wedding 1 month post split. I had a great time and felt very happy for the couple. I did have one weepy moment, but it was a wedding so I was it didn't look out of place.
I think it is important to not let your feelings inhibit you from living your life as normal and keep you from being able to feel happy for others.
I think you need to start working on your own ability to let things go.
You're still holding a grudge that she turned you down as a MOH? Really? I guess you asked her because she was your friend - but friends should be able to have boundries and be honest with each other. It's better that she stepped aside then did a sh*tty job as a MOH (which, be honest with yourself - you also would now be holding against her).
Also, you just got divorced, are not even sure about your ability to ATTEND a wedding - and you're angry that you weren't asked to BE in the wedding? Are you sure if she asked you you wouldn't think she is insensitive?
It's your friend's wedding, it's not all about you! If you don't want to pull out all of the stops for her (which is fair - because she didn't for you), then send a small gift to the shower (but don't go) and go to the wedding.
However, I don't think that friends keep score. Some of my closest friends didn't attend my wedding (they lived far away and didn't have the time / $). I would never hold it against them, and hope that I am invited to their weddings in Europe / Canada / California! 5 years ago I wouldn't be able to travel (b/c of babies, career), but now I could. That's life.
Just because your marriage did not work out does not mean that the whole institution of marriage is invalid. If you believe that, then you have some soul-searching to do, b/c there are plenty of people who do get married and remain happily married - the problem with your marriage has more to do with you / your choice than you are willing to admit to yourself.
LOL, my thoughts exactly!
I agree with PPs - sounds like you are more miffed at the past between the two of you - let it go, attend one or both, and have a good time!
If it isn't feasible to go to both, I would vote for the wedding itself - showers are obnoxious anyway.
LOL, my thoughts exactly!
I agree with PPs - sounds like you are more miffed at the past between the two of you - let it go, attend one or both, and have a good time!
If it isn't feasible to go to both, I would vote for the wedding itself - showers are obnoxious anyway.
Okay. People are telling you to go. This is absurd.
It sounds pretty clear to me from your post that you do not want to go. You are still miffed at this friend for bailing on your own wedding and for not asking you to be a part of hers. JUST BECAUSE YOU GOT INVITED DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO GO. Say it with me again, kids: just because you got invited, doesn't mean you have to go. Moreover, just because you got invited, doesn't mean she wants you there! Your absence will NOT be noticed, either at the shower or at the wedding - she's got plenty of other friends and family who will be there keeping her busy. You will not hurt her feelings if you do not go. I'm saying this because of your specific history - clearly she didn't care enough about your friendship to be involved with or even attend your wedding. Therefore, you do not need to attend hers, especially if you're going to be moping around the whole night thinking about your feelings.
Send a small gift for the wedding, not the shower, and stay home for both. Especially if you live far away, the shower invite was inappropriate anyway - just fishing for gifts. Don't give those types of people (you know, the sort who insist that every female on the guest list must be invited to the shower, even though this one lives halfway across the world and this one is my 90-year-old grandmother who is 100% bedridden!) the satisfaction of knowing that their greedy ploy worked. Okay, rant over there.
But yeah. In no way are you obligated to go. She will be so busy, that I assure you - she will not notice that you are not there. If she wasn't at yours, you have zero obligation to be at hers. So if you're going to be uncomfortable about it, then stay home.
THIS!
Seriously.