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Hardest decision of my life
MH and I are separated.. have been since sept.. I've posted here several times.. He is type 1 diabetic, never took care of himself and is now pretty much blind in one eye and has issues with the other eye.. he has some protein in his kidneys which means some kidney damage but not anything like needing dialysis.. ( not now anyway, possibly one day) Well, around November he started testing his sugar (first time in 15 years) and taking his medicine that he refused to take our entire ten year relationship.. He has begged me to reconsider.. well, two weeks ago a cataract formed in his bad eye and he needed emergency surgery.. He had to have the lens removed.. few days later he needed to go back into surgery again for blood clot that formed in the eye and the pressure in his eye was dangerously high.
He has been back at the house since then and recovering.. He wants to come home and I am so at a loss.. Part of me feels so horribly guilty and cruel to leave him sick, yet another thinks because of his negligence I will miss out on enjoying my life.. Then if he does go on disability one day and I decide I can't stay , I will have to support him. ( and he will not have to give child support) its a mess.. The thing that gets me is that I worry about him badly.. I get sick thinking of him being alone w low sugar or that maybe he will smoke again if I leave.. or whatever self destructive thing he might do.. Yet, I don't know I will be happy staying. I also think of us and how our daughter connects us.. He loves her so much.. it will break my heart because he will move back where his family is which is states away from us. Is it cruel to leave someone like this???
Re: Hardest decision of my life
Well around here we often say actions speak louder than words, but it your case, I gotta ask, what does this sad sack have to SAY for himself? What is his case to be taken back? That he's pathetic? He needs to be clear he's got skin in the game and what actions he's going to take to be more responsible for himself and not just continue to drag you down deeper and faster.
Also I think it's more cruel of your H to not take care of himself when he has a young daughter. Don't be afraid to put your needs and your DD's ahead of someone who refuses to take care of his own, like, at all.
Well, since leaving him, he has started to test regularly..he brought his A1c to a 7 but his sugars are crazy.. Either super low or high. But he has been eating healthy.. I just think he is brittle from years of neglect.. He looks to be trying but he's going blind now.. So Is it mean cause he is actually trying now.. I am just angry at him for all the years I begged him to do it and he told me it was his disease and stay out of it.. Now he wants me to just forget all that and see what he is doing now...
the thing is- how do i know he will stay doing this?? He swears he never wants to lose me again and that would never happen..
Changing his present actions =/= taking responsibility for past actions.
If he doesn't do the latter -- and that's fully in HIS court to do so, you should not feel guilty for not wanting/taking him back. At all.
What do you mean "his negligence"? Type I is genetic so I am confused why you seem to think it's his "fault" that he is sick?
Maybe him starting to take the medicine and test is his way of showing that he DOES want to change and start to take care of himself?
I assume he already had diabetes when you got married right?
PERSONALLY (just MY opinion) I think that not wanting to deal with illness is never a "good reason" to leave someone because how would you feel if you suddenly got very sick and your husband left you because he didn't want to "deal" with it? Didn't you promise in "sickness and health"?
I agree completely. Also, keep in mind that you cannot make him take care of himself and his inability to do so if you leave is not your issue. You don't have to "save" him, he's a big boy.
When I left my drug addict suicide-threatening XH, I was plagued with anxiety over what would happen if he OD's or killed himself. It took a while for me to taken that burden off of myself and realize that it's HIS issue and not mine. He used drugs when we were together because he made those choices. He asked how I could leave him when he needed me at a low point in life and tried to blame me for wanting to kill himself.
The truth was that as much as I cared about him, he had made his bed with his decisions. I wasn't about to let him ruin my life because he wasn't responsible enough to get his act together in the past. Even if he made a change, I wasn't willing to sit around waiting for the other shoe to drop and deal with the repercussions of his actions. He messed up and I had given him plenty of opportunities to make a change and get clean. He only decided to get his act together after it was too late and my foot was out the door.
Wow that was a novel, but what I want to convey is that if you leave and he falters with his health, that's on HIM, not you. If he blinds himself, ends up without toes and on disability, it will be because of his actions over the years. I hope you're in counseling because this is guilt that will be debilitating to you no matter what you decide to do.
She doesn't think it's his fault that he has diabetes. He has, however, not taken care of himself the way a man with diabetes and a daughter should.
You even bolded the part where she said that he hasn't been testing his levels. He knew that he was a diabetic, so what don't you get?
You can never know if he will keep up the habits that he has just begun until he actually does it.
What does seem clear to me is that you don't trust that he will. That tells me that it's way too early for you to consider going back, if you ever do.
Of course you care for him, but you need to care for your daughter and yourself as well. Who comes first?
He sounds like an addict in need of an intervention.
Leaving may be the very best thing you can do.
You feel bad for him. You feel guilty leaving him. These are not reasons for staying in a marriage.
But do you love him? Not once did you say that you did.
Let's say he continues to test now. He is by no means cured, but let's say he starts to take responsibilty for his disease. And you stay with him. Could you ever be happy with him again? Would this solve everything? Or is it too late, what's done is done.
Only you can answer that.
LOL you might want to know the backstory on something before offering your (very wrong) opinion. There's a history here you don't know anything about, being you just started posting on 4/21.
ETA: Ducky, you put up with this guy's crap for far too long. He didn't make his kid or you any kind of priority in his life. Don't feel guilty if staying away is the best decision you make for you and your DD's lives.
Yeah. This.
You are way too preoccupied with him and how he will handle the divorce. He made his bed and its too little too late. You are unhappy with how things are and if you stay odds are things will revert. History has a way of repeating itself.
Honestly, it sounds like you are staying out of sheer guilt. That is not healthy for anyone. You need to put your happiness and ultimately the happiness of your child before this man. Shyt or get off the john. Pull the trigger.
I also think of us and how our daughter connects us.. He loves her so much.. it will break my heart because he will move back where his family is which is states away from us.
Nobody is making him move states away from you and his daughter. This is on him, not you.
Yeah, I'd seriously live in my car and collect cans to buy food before I'd put myself in a situation where I could not see my child on the regular.
You need to GTFO with your stupid self.
Team Pedantic (bet you never thought I'd say that)
In any case, sure, dude didn't give himself the diabeetus but through his actions or lack thereof, he has contributed to the decline in his condition and put a shitton more stress on his wife and family to the point of neglect.
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Reading comprehension is not your strong suit, is it?
She didn't leave because he was "sick", she left because he was non compliant in his health care and her staying was enabling him to live in a completely unhealthy manner. (not saying its your fault OP, just that you leaving is forcing him to come to terms with what he's done to himself)
He is so sick due to not taking care of the diabetes. I'm sure OP would be behind him 10000% if he had been doing everything right and was still have adverse effects
Please, do yourself a favor and actually read posts before you reply.
And taking meds now, while he's in such bad shape does not erase the 10 year history the op has of her husband not doing what is necessary to survive.
OP, put yourself and your kid first. Your H needs to clean up the mess he created. It shouldn't be your problem. He needs to get better for himself bc that's the only way he will stay compliant. It cannot be on your shoulders. It is not fair.
I would have never pushed myself away if he would have taken care of himself.. Last night he said to me "what would you do if you woke up and found me dead?" Then later he started naming songs he wants played at his funeral.. Really? I just said "what is wrong with you??" Today at work ( it was around 1130am) and I hadn't gotten a text or heard from him.. He now texts me his sugars all day.. I started getting anxious his sugar dropped in his sleep. it sometimes drops to 30-40. Finally he called at 1230 but I was panicing till then.. His phone was dead and I pictured him dead in his sleep.. Finally he called. ( he is still getting over eye surgery) But I am sitting here thinking how do I leave him and not know what is happening ?? I panic now.. Is it that i am still in love w him or what does this mean?? I am so conflicted w my feelings. On the other hand, I am sure he will eventually ( def before 40) be on disability and what life will that be? Or I can cart him around to dialysis. He says " what if you were sick or had cancer.. that is no reason for me to leave you" that makes me feel awful
Ducky, you are going to have to think long and hard about your priorities here. Of course you care about this man. You never would have married him if you didn't, but you can't let him make you feel guilty about this. That is just straight up manipulative and IMO does not help his case here.
I am trying my hardest not to.. He made a comment about our daughter being tested for diabetes. She has been very moody and irritable and has gained alot of weight recently. He said " so what will you do if she has it? get rid of her?"
I am struggling with how to not worry about him and figure out why I worry so much if I am not in love with him. I think of him going back to his apartment and smoking, maybe not going to dr appts. not eating right and it scares me.. right now he is doing better here. If i leave him, he won't care again like he said. I think of him being alone and it makes me so sad. His family are the coldest hearted people. they live in PA and we are in IL. They don't care. He has a sister who is a complete jerk to him. After his first surgery he thanked me and said " i don't know what I would have done without you. your all i have" it breaks my heart.
He is telling you what you want to hear in order to get you to stay. He is a grown man who can control his own actions. If you leave he could stop taking care of himself, or he could not, because again, he cooses his own actions. Of course you won't abandon your kid if she's diabetic. You'll teach her how to manage her condition. All these things he's telling you are patently ridiculous. Take a step back and think about it for a minjte.
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