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Parent issue and overseas move
(Sorry this is so long)
I will first say that I know I don't need their approval. I just have mass feelings of guilt.
I am a teacher and have three children. I am currently working as a life skills teacher in a very small district. I have two masters degrees and numerous endorsements. This school is on the lower end of the pay scale for Illinois, and most of my education doesn't translate into salary (sorry, this may mean very little, but it was a factor in our decision).
H and I have talked many times about me attempting to get a teaching job overseas. Finally, this year we decided to throw out a few lines and see what happened.
Let me also say that we live only minutes from my parents and have for the better part of our marriage. They are a daily factor in our lives. It works out well because H and my parents get along really well.
Anyway, my mom found out what we were doing (though I wasn't hiding. I just didn't want to make a big deal about it until we knew something). She was upset, but she said that she would support me in whatever decision we make.
So fast forward a couple months, after applications are submitted and passports are applied for, my parents are devastated that we are actually doing this. They can't handle the idea that their only grandchildren will be across an ocean from them (my mom can't fly due to health issues. Last time she flew, she was taken off in an ambulance).
I am very excited about this opportunity. I had an interview last night with a private school in Beijing, and I was basically offered the job at the end of the interview. They will pay tuition for all three children to attend the school, and they will learn Chinese in the process. They are also offering free housing and utilities. On top of that, my position would involve creating a completely new curriculum and potentially pays $10,000 more than my current job. I am in love with this job.
I haven't told my parents yet that I was offered a job. I am terrified of their reaction to all of this once it all becomes a reality. I don't want to break their hearts by taking their grandchildren away, but I also don't want to pass up this opportunity.
Anyone got some words of wisdom or a kick in the ass in either direction for me? Am I being unfair doing this?
Re: Parent issue and overseas move
it sounds like this is a good decision for your family. i don't think that you should pass this up -- you've been thinking about this for a long time, and i would imagine this isn't going to be an opportunity that soon repeats itself.
you have so many options now for keeping in touch with family. they won't be able to see you in person all the time, but skype is a really good option, and it will let them stay in touch with their grandkids.
sure it will be hard to be so far away, but it is a great opportunity, and you probably won't live there forever, right? You can come back and visit at holidays or on school breaks I'm sure.
I feel like when you get married and have kids of your own, THAT is your family and they come first. I will probably feel differently when i'm a grandparent myself, but for now, that's what I think.
Let them be sad, but don't entertain guilt trips.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
You need to do, what you need to do, for your family.
However, you stated that you live just minutes from them and see each other daily. You need to understand that your parents are going to struggle with this. I think it is perfectly normal for them to be devastated at this news. I would be. Give them time. They will adjust. Encourage them to join in activities and maybe volunteer some to take up the time that they normally spent with you and your children. I agree with the other poster. Make sure that they are set up with Skype and know how to use it, before you leave.
You also need to be prepared that you may go through some of the same feelings when you get to China. A sort of, "What Have We Done"! Time will help all of you!
Hugs.
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
Thank you all. I just feel so bad about it all. I know I shouldn't let that effect any decisions.
At this point, I don't know what to say to them though. My eldest is so excited about all of this. She wants so bad to travel. She's only ten, but still, she's all for it. =]
I would emphasize how much you are going to miss them but all the ways you plan to help stay connected.
if they try to guilt trip you, i'd just turn it around and focus on what a great opportunity it will be for your family and for the kids especially. And then change the subject and give them time to digest the change. It will be an adjustment for everyone.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
We had a similar experience with my IL's last year when we decided to move to Singapore. My advice-make your decision and then tell your parents. Don't give them an opportunity to weigh in or voice their disappointment. Ultimately it is your decision and should be made without outside input that might influence your decision. This is what we did and while my MIL was quite upset, our decision was made and the contract signed.
Also, look into the cost of living in Beijing. Even with your housing and schooling paid, I think you may find costs like Western food/utilities thru the roof.
Eating out looks to be expensive, but buying food doesn't look too bad. We are moving to a suburb of Beijing. Whether or not the principal was being truthful, I'm not sure, but she said the cost of living is quite reasonable in their area. I've been trying to find out everything I can about it. I've still got some time to figure it out.
Thank you for the heads up. =]
Go.
Your first responsibility is to you dh and kids. Your mom would feel this way if you were moving more tha n an hour or two drive from her and I am sorry but her feelings about this, while valid are not a deciding factor here.
You should pop over to the International Nesties board, all of us on there have dealt with these issues and many of us with kids.
A couple of us are in China and have lived in Beijing. Hell, I'm nesting from Shanghai right now.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Some of our parents deal with us being expats better than others - we had guilt trips from them for years and it got much worse once we had kids with some of them. But, you kind of just have to ignore it, or let them know that this is an opportunity for your family that you wouldn't want to one day regret not taking, that planes fly both ways and they are always welcome to come to see you, that Skype is a great way to keep in touch and that if you need to get home urgently you are really only a 13 hour flight away ( or whatever ), which really isn't that bad at all.
One thing that made some people in our family feel better about us living in China was for them to continuously hold their own visas for China (tourist visas that were renewed before they ran out each time ) so that if need be they could hop on a plane in an emergency. As laowai need visas for China that was a legitimate concern of theirs, that they couldn't just hop a plane in an emergency (you can, and receive a landing visa for that purpose, but it's not super easy and can be very intimidating to do)
China is a very frightening place for a lot of people and I'm sure that you are hearing a lot of negatives - the food! the language! the communism! The pollution! - but it's an incredible place with loads of opportunities for your family. Beijing is a really easy city to live in here as it is crawling with expats and is very westernised. I'd just keep very positive about it, this is all an opportunity to try something very different and very new and I doubt you'll regret it.
We like to view it as "home" is wherever me, the husband and the kids are. Not where we grew up or lived for a couple of years.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
This would be a no brainer for us. We would do it! What a fabulous opportunity for you and your family! Congratulations!
My H and I are military and have lived and travelled all over the world. It is so worth it!
Come over to the IN board - lots of us have dealt with this situation...
You are not being unfair in your decision - it's YOUR life. Once your kids become adults you have to let them live their lives. Yes, your parents may be upset, but you should be able to experience what you want. I'm sure one of the perks of your job will be free flights home, so it's not like you are leaving and never coming back to see them. Plus the opportunities for your kids to live overseas will be amazing! (I work at an international school in London and the kids get a lot here, and the ones who have lived in non-English speaking nations get even more from it).
Good luck!
I agree with everyone. I just wanted to add onto what PnkBride said - when you do tell them, go in knowing that THAT conversation is probably not going to go well. They will be upset, you'll probably leave feeling bad.
They are going to need time to process this. It's not going to happen in one conversation. It's going to be an ongoing thing for awhile.
deal w/ breaking the news first. They probably aren't going to want to hear "but we can skype!" at that moment. But maybe the next conversation, you can talk about ways to bridge the distance.
Good luck - this does sound exciting!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This sounds like something you want to do, and that would be an amazing opportunity for your family.
Sure it's tough to move away. DH and I did, about 9 years ago, and while it wasn't an international move it still meant that our parents, siblings, and their families aren't involved in our day-to-day lives. That sucks sometimes (my 4 year old nephew won't hug me hello when I visit, which kills me, but I understand that I'm not someone he's terribly close to...he doesn't hug my dad much, either, and he sees him at least 3-4 times/month). But coming here was best for us. We just make more of an effort with phone calls, and get home whenever we can.
You are not being unfair. It's not wrong for your parents to be unhappy with the decision but you can't live your life for them. You, your DH, and your children come first. Congratulations, and good luck!
You can buy a parent-friendly skype machine (not sure what it is called) if it is too complicated for them to use the computer.
Also, think about what you will be doing for the summers - - will you be visiting them then? Living with them? Make tentative plans that will reassure them that they won't become stangers to their own grandchildren.
I think I would check further in to the living conditions and whether the school keeps its promises. I would check the other boards for people who have lived in China. I believe Mrs.Hark on FB was in Beijing she might have some insight.
There isn't anything you can say to your parents, they like having the grandchildren close. It's something they will have to accept. You'll make yourself exhausted trying to change their minds.
Hi, I remember you! So Beijing it is... sounds like an awesome opportunity! My parents have had literally years to adjust to the fact that I was going to move, I've expressed a strong desire to move abroad quite early on, so it will take the time it will take for yours to deal with the news and then the reality. Go easy on them but don't let their initial reactions interfere with your plans. Experiencing life abroad is an invaluable thing that everyone will benefit from, especially your children.
eta - Good luck!
Thank you everyone. I have a follow up "conversation" with someone else at the school tomorrow night. Hopefully, I can find out more.
My mom and sister were on me tonight about reasons not to go. I just told them I wasn't talking about it right now. I want to know all the specifics before I go into all of it with them.
My husband has started to apply for jobs over there as well. He is going to get certified in the TEFL as well as a back up. He's cautiously excited about this.
I don't normally post on this board but clicked on the FM link by mistake and saw this.
We moved overseas for ddh's work when our kids were 22 and 6 months, and we stayed for about 5 years. I wouldn't have traded that experience for anything. It'll vary from country to country (we were in the Marshall Islands) but the tax advantages were stupendous ... I may be wrong, but I think we only paid the MH tax of 5% or something. PLUS most companies offer offsite bonuses -- we loved it out there, but his company stopped the bonus at 5 years, which is the main reason we left when we did.
Does the company pay for trips home? His paid for one trip home per year including airfare, hotel and a per diem for all of us plus a shorter trip somewhere local (Hawaii, a 5-hour flight was the most local place).
If your Mom really can't fly, that will certainly make her sad, but if it's that she doesn't want to fly, that's another thing altogether. My mom came out to visit once while we were there, MIL wouldn't have anything to do with getting on a plane.
We were overseas 10-plus years ago, before skype, which I would think would make the distance from her grandchildren a little more bearable.
My advice, every time she guilts you about doing this to her, guilt her about how she's interfering with a decision you need to make in the best interest of your children, too. Good Luck!
It seems you have gotten some really good advice, so I'll just share my own experience. I moved away from my family (and my country) 13 years ago and at the time, it was to pursue a doctorate, so my parents were very supportive. 5 years ago, DH and I moved overseas (to Germany) and MIL was not thrilled about it (I know my parents were also worried, but they never once said "you shouldn't move"). Granted, situations were completely different for me because I have never lived -in my adult life- near my parents, and same for DH.
Funny how things work out - MIL used to blame me for making her son live away; she kept hoping we would come back "home" (home being the US, nevermind that my home -in that sense- is in another country... for me, my home is wherever DH and I live), so after 2 years in Germany we came back to the US for a job that DH got... and live 14 h away from ILs (instead of the 7 h away as we lived before moving to Germany)
I would just try to be gentle and sensitive to the fact that they will definitely miss you, so just try to focus on what a great opportunity this is for all of you. If they are like ILs, they'll get over it and will be excited for you all learning all sorts of new things. Skype is an amazing thing to have, I also make an effort to have a website where I post pictures, videos, and never underestimate the power of Facebook to keep you in touch for daily happenings!
And congratulations! What a fun experience and opportunity!!!
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown