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I need advice....great guy, maybe too young?
Hello all,
I rarely post here, but I need some non-biased advice....no therapist appt until next week 
It's long...and probably ramble-y....so sorry in advance!
I have been dating a guy for about 9 months, we were friends for years before, and started dating several months after my ex-husband and I separated. He was an old coworker of mine. He is 24 never married, and I am 33 divorced with 2 kiddos.
He is 9 years younger than me....eek. I am not sure that I have ever said that out loud or typed it :-/ Anyway, things are great in most areas of our relationship, he is more compatible with me than anyone I have ever dated, we have a great time together, I love his sense of humor, and he is great with my children, they adore him.
At first I was SO hung up on the age difference that it was hard for me to just enjoy the relationship, but I was able to get over it, and just go with it....I mean, you can't help who you love, right?
Here are the issues I am struggling with:
He is an old coworker, who works for someone who I didn't necessarily get along with at that company (she was basically the reason I left), he really respects and likes this lady, and I don't trust her at all. This has been a difficult conversation topic, but we've maneuvered through it. The problem is that he is avoiding the subject when it comes to discussing me. THe company is super social, lots of hh's, etc, and he never brings up the fact that we are dating. He wanted me to come to the holiday party, and I asked if it be weird, and he told me he didn't know because lots of people didn't know we were dating....I told him I wouldn't go if he did not tell them I was coming as his date (I did not want to walk into a weird situation), and he didn't tell them....so I didn't go. He still has not mentioned to some of his coworkers (that I know!) that we are dating. Is that weird?
Problem 2, his parents.... He told his parents about me over the holidays, they did not take it well. I mean, how could there 24 yr old son be dating a divorcee with 2 kids???? His dad actually started quoting how wrong it was in the bible, etc. I figured there were discussions happening in the past few months that I was not privy to, until the other day, when I explicitly asked if he mentions me to them anymore. I mean, we spend almost every day together. He told me he has not mentioned me to them since the blow up over the holidays. That was rough to hear.
So, all of this came to a head a week ago. He now wants to fix it and tell everyone, and me give him a chance to make it right. I am so hurt and feel as though he put everyone else's feelings above mine. I brought this stuff up repeatedly to him, so he knew it was bothering me.
There are so many good things about him, I love him dearly, but I can't feel as though he wasn't willing to risk upsetting people in favor of our relationship, and that just was hard to swallow. I think this may be a product of his age, or just not knowing what to do, either way, I am not sure how to move forward, or if it is not fixable.
Help?!?!?
Re: I need advice....great guy, maybe too young?
On the work end I think that's fine. There is no reason he needs to discuss his personal life at work, and honestly given the previous tensions, it could affect his relationship with his boss. I'd be thrilled to get out of holiday parties. Also given that you were a previous coworker these things can always be awkward if you previously worked there so I think the way he is handling this is fine. In fact no matter what happens I think he should keep this from work.
As far as his parents go, I go back and forth on this. They sound a little wacky. I'm assuming he's learned from past interactions with them that an out of sight out of mind approach keeps the peace. It's not as if he lied and said he wasn't with you anymore. How close is he to his parents?
Where you feel like he's putting everyone's feelings above yours, I think he's just actually trying to prevent drama from himself that would ultimately affect you and negatively affect your relationship.
Is he telling other people about you? Friends, etc.?
At some point the parent thing should probably be addressed.
Yeah, with the work thing, I guess I don't really see why he needs to announce to everyone that you all are dating. If you wanted to go to the party, you should have gone. People would have put 2 and 2 together! Even though you used to work w/ these people - I don't see why that means he needs to tell everyone/ give warning.
The parents. I go two ways on this, and it's based on how close he is to them.
If he's not all that close to them and doesn't see/talk to them a lot, eh... whatever. Does it REALLY matter? There is probably a lot about his life he doesn't bring up to them, and if he'd rather just get "in and out" of a conversation with them, I can see not wanting to bring up a topic that he knows is going to prolong the conversation.
However, if he's close to them, talks/sees them a lot and they know a lot about his life - then yes, I would be bothered. You spend that much time together and he won't talk about it w/ them, at all? I don't know what kind of future you can really have w/ a man who can't share "important part of his life, part A" with "important part of his life, part B".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is exactly how I feel! After lots of contemplating and deep thoughts, I decided to part ways. It is so incredibly hard because he really was one of my best friends. I just can't feel as though I am a "secret". I have completely opened my life to him and he could not reciprocate, despite all of the times we talked about how important it was. It really isn't his fault, I suppose, he shouldn't have to be having these conversations and do this stuff at his age