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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How do you handle the "big" stuff?
I don't know how to ask what I'm asking... do you talk things out? Or do you mostly swallow your emotions up? my grandfather is sick. I only talk about it with my closest girlfriend whose father passed away from the same thing last year, and the only reason I really talk about it with her is because she's persistent. I don't feel like I can feel it. When I talk about it, it feels like I'm talking about someone else.
She's worried that if I don't start coming to terms with it now, that when something happens, I'm going to totally lose it.
I'm pretty sure my grandfather is trying to get me use to the idea as well. Except his way of doing it is by playing dead when I'd come home late at night. Ass.
Re: How do you handle the "big" stuff?
The thing is, there's no right way for anyone to deal with this stuff. You do what works for you. If this is your way of coping, it's fine. Don't feel like you're doing it wrong or that you need to deal with it now, because your friend says you should. What works for her doesn't work for you - and that's okay.
I am sorry to hear about your grandfather.
I think it is nice that she there, but who says there is a right way to this? Everyone processes things differently and what works for one person, will not work for another.
i have a friend who lost her father suddenly in December and while I have called to see how she is doing, etc, I am not badgering her to talk to me about it. She knows I am here for her when/if she needs me and I think, as a friend, that is all she needs to know.
Is your Grandfather like a father to you? I am sorry to hear that he is not well.
I PPH your grandfather.
I am sorry he is sick.
I'm generally more rational-minded than emotional, so I have a bad habit of compartmentalizing my feelings. After my grandmother passed, I lost it during her funeral service, and then went back to being distant, Dexter style. She passed while in hospice in my home, so it wasn't like I didn't "see it coming".
I don't consider it an awful thing to keep things bottled up if you release eventually in a healthy way. I can't advise you if her way is better for you because everyone's different, as long as you aren't avoiding reality.
I'm a pretty stoic person when it comes to emotional things. For big decisions and such I talk and make lists until the cows come home. But emotionally, I usually deal with things (or not) inside my head. This backfired when my great-aunt, who I was very close to, died. She was 93, it was not a surprise, she was ready, and I thought I was handling it well. When I got up to speak at her funeral I got two words out and dissolved into a crying, shaking mess. Totally caught me off-guard.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Sometimes I don't think there is any real "coming to terms" and you just have to feel it when you feel it.
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Yes, he raised me. Walked me down the aisle. All that.
Thank you.
I'm really sorry to hear about your grandfather. That sucks.
I tend to completely shut down over big things. Heck, not so big things too. It drives my fiance nuts. When we fight I literally cannot get words to come out of my mouth. I don't want to talk about my feelings. Ever. I just want to be left alone.
I'm sorry about your grandfather. I lost my grandma last year and I still haven't accepted that.
I keep a lot of stuff bottled up inside. I'm just not a talker.
lol, it's ok. He thinks its pretty funny, too! It makes my grandmother want to slug him, though.
It's good to hear that this is ok though. My H is constantly trying to get me to talk about it, I think because he doesn't know another way to help. So many of my friends are very emotional and open with this stuff- on fb, twitter, phone calls, etc. I'm generally an oversharer, but not about this kind of stuff.
I'm so sorry that someone who's been so important to you is not doing well.
First, I don't think you can ever really prepare your heart for this kind of loss. No matter what, it is going to hurt because how can it not?? I would rather spend the time I had with that person enjoying them for who they are rather than acting like they are already gone, kwim?
So, love your grandfather, enjoy great talks with him, ask him anything you haven't but wanted to because this is the time to do it. My advice, keep making memories, good memories and just being with him.
and, it sounds like he has a great sense of humor.
i'm sorry you're dealing with this.
i don't talk about things, ever. if i start talking about it i can't get words out and it's not productive. everyone does things differently, there is no right or wrong way.
I'm so sorry that your grandfather is sick.
I agree with everyone, there is no right away to deal with things like this. Personally, I am a talker but not everyone is. We were visiting my grandma in the home a few weekends ago and as soon as we left my mom and I started talking about how poorly she was doing vs the last time I saw her. On the other hand my friend whose mom just passed this week hasn't talked to anyone in over a month. I just shoot her texts every so often telling her that I am here if she needs me.
Neither is the wrong way to do things and no, I don't think you are headed for a nuclear breakdown because you aren't talking.
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I'm sorry
I tend to blow my heart out on "anonymous" forums, but keep it on lock down in person.
It's hard for me to admit that I feel nothing but sheer joy (outside of therapy, and nest therapy) b/c I hate being a downer and causing a 'sympathetic' emotion in others. It makes me feel pathetic and that feels like ***.
I in no way think it's justifiable and I would never expect (or want) someone else to feel like that though.
That said - there is no right way to deal with the loss of a loved one. everyone has a process to go through and everyone is going to deal with it in their own way.
I'm stoic about the big stuff.
The crap I post here and externalize is mostly the trivial stuff. When it comes down to major things like death, I internalize it.
Oh my god, I totally get that. You just explained it way better than I could have.
exactly. for me, it accomplishes nothing. after i have processed things in my head i will tell h, when we are laying in bed and he is almost asleep, "i was really sad/scared/nervous when x happened." he knows to say, "i'm sorry," or "i love you" and then go to sleep. that is the extent of my talking about it.
I don't like to talk about big stuff. And I don't like to be emotional (sad/upset) in front of other people.
My family is like that though - when my dad told us that our grandpa had died, me and my siblings all got up and went to our own rooms alone to deal with it.
Cleo gave you excellent advice and will continue to be an amazing person to talk to you about this.
I am sorry that your grandfather is unwell, he sounds like a hoot.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
I internalize and compartmentalize.
I don't like crying b/c I don't like the attention nor do I want anyone to think I'm trying to take away attention from the person who is sick/in trouble/etc.
But don't do this because it's not healthy, like, at all.