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Separated? lies, $
So I have 1 good friend irl I can discuss this with, but I'd appreciate some perspective from ppl not close to me and my H. Last night, I found my husband's paycheck stub (he just left it laying out), it's almost $200 more than I thought it was. (He usually cashes it and deposits it into either our joint checking or joint savings so I don't see the check). I called him at work and asked wtf, he said he had to pay his dad back for some stuff from years ago. OK, whatever, but I don't keep this from me.
I then go back and look through our account, this has been going on since December, things don't add up. All of a sudden he's home from work (2 hrs early), is visibly upset, and tells me he got a raise that he's been hiding from me. I tell him to get out and stay somewhere else for a few days. We have an appointment with a marriage counselor for Monday night. We've fought about $ before, and he has lied before (nothing major though). He was fully aware that if the trust wasn't going to happen, we were going to have serious issues. I thought things were going fine. I don't care where that money was going, just that he found it acceptable to lie to me and keep "his" money when we budget together 2x a month, and only have joint accounts, and we each do get "fun" money every paycheck.
Thinking about it now, I feel stupid. I apparently didn't notice that his checks were smaller--I didn't even think to question it. I am so mad at him, though I don't feel like I'm upset as I should be. I don't think I want to leave him, but I need to be able to trust him. I'm hoping counseling will help. I don't know if I should ask him to continue to stay with someone else (he's staying w a friend), at least until our first counseling session. We have 2 dogs and 2 cats (no kids) that I know he misses. And honestly, it's a pain to take care of our younger dog (7 mo old puppy) alone--our work hours and sleep schedules work so well to let her out often enough.
He text me last night w the "I'm sorry...I have issues..." and I didn't respond. I just told text him this morning and told him it'd probably be a good idea to stay at his friends again tonight. fyi, we've only been married 2.5 years.
Re: Separated? lies, $
A history of lying, whether big or small, is a history of lying. Don't try to explain this away too.
Good that he's staying away another night. I think you both need time to think about this - and he needs to be scared for a little while.
It's good that he acknowledges that he has issues, but that's only the first step. The next step is to do something about it. See how the counseling goes. How open to it he is. Does he bring up these issues, etc.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I am surprised you don't care where the money is going. I would think if my H was spending $200 a pay check and I couldn't go "ah-ha, I thought he was buying a ton more dvds and magazines than I thought his fun money could afford" I would start thinking there was a girlfriend he was spending his money on.
What did he say he owed his dad for? Are you at least curious about that? Is this even slightly believable that it would convince me he doesn't have a girlfriend on the side?
You are not stupid. You were trusting. Which, with your spouse, you should be.
I would consider you stupid if you allowed your H to come back just because of a puppy. It's his puppy too, so he should drive over and still do his fair share of the walks/letting outs.
Well, I know where the $ is going--weed. Which, I'm fine-ish with. (for him, it's kind of comparable to me having a glass of wine at night). I'm more upset about him keeping it from me than what I know he was spending on. But apparently that's a problem that he needs to deal with as well, seeing as how he thought it was worth the lies.
I also do know what he said he had to pay his Dad back for, I just didn't want to bring it up here. His Dad gave us some $ when we were 18, never asked for the $ back. We figured he would someday (bc that's how his dad is).
You're fine w/ him spending $200 a PAYCHECK on weed? That's $400 a month. Seriously?????
A "glass of wine" a night doesn't cost anywhere near that. Not comparable at all.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
So it's not that you didn't care, it's that you already knew.
So which is it? Has he been paying back his dad or has he been spending $200 on weed?
I'm sorry but $400 a month on weed is not the same as having a glass of wine at night.
He has NOT been paying back his dad--apparently H thought covering up a lie with a lie was the way to go here. Then he rushed home and came clean.
And I meant I was fine with the occasional smoking. That's just where some of the $ went, I'm sure he's been going out for lunches, etc. I am NOT okay with him hiding "his" money from me. He could have spent it on puppies and rainbows for all it matters, but he has been lying to me, period.
I'm setting aside the pot issue. I'm not rabidly against it, but I wouldn't be okay with MH doing it regularly, so I'm going to just stay neutral on that part of it.
So $400 a month is going to weed and paying his dad back...you know now where it's going, so why didn't he just tell you that in the first place? Since you don't have a problem with pot and you had discussed you might someday have to pay his dad back, this seems so simple. I don't understand why he'd lie if that's all there is to it.
You guys need to talk about this, preferably with a counselor. Is there some reason you don't have direct deposit? I'm assuming it's because he's been hiding money from you since the beginning. I definitely would not be okay with this, but I think it's fixable.
I have no issues with the occasional pot smoker, but when it starts to affect your marriage and finances, you have a problem.
You could replace pot w/ a number of other legal items and my reaction would be the same!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Really?
He lied then lied about lying...and you think he now is telling the truth why?
I'd be demanding complete transparency on EVERYTHING as the STARTING point
ITA, that's why I said I wasn't going to address it either.
$400 per month is a lot to spend on pot. Even if you are saying that you think $200-300 is going out to eat, where the heck is he going out to eat without you for that much money?! That is not an occasional sandwich for lunch.
I do agree with you when you say the lying is the biggest problem here. You need to figure out a) what he is truly doing with that money, b) if there is a bigger problem here with cheating or a drug problem, and c) why he feels like he has to hide his spending from you. Total transparancy is needed here going forward, and counseling for both.
So he's a pothead who lies and lies and lies some more, and blows hundreds of dollars every month? He sounds awesome.
I don't know why you're asking how you can trust him. You can't. He lies and hides things, and you know it. He's just not trustworthy. A better question is, why are you the one here asking how to trust a liar, rather than him being here asking how to be a decent, responsible, trustworthy adult?
Yeah, OP your husband needs to stop lying to you. He seems somewhat incapable of doing so. Lying is a big deal breaker in my book.
I totally, 100 percent agree with all of this.
So you conclude, Oh, It's Just Going On Weed?
I'd be furious -- who the eff spends that kind of money on ANYTHING that is not agree upon by the 2 of you? this isn't fun money and even if it is, that he spends it on weed is not acceptable.
Not only is your H a liar, he's dreadfully immature. Not to mention secretive. All unacceptable.
And I'd wonder just what else is in the mix here. So should you. Willing to bet there is more to this $200 "on weed" than meets the eye.
Lying is a dealbreaker for me. I have made that clear from day 1. If something isn't working, then it needs to be discussed. If you are going to go around me and just change something that we agreed upon on your own terms, then you must not respect me very much and I can do better than that. That's how I feel.
What else is he lying about? That would be my first question.
You really sound like you are trying to find some way, some reason, some path forward where you can just ignore all of this behavior. You sound... desperate, actually.
What you should be is furious. Furious that he could disrespect you so callously. Furious that he felt bad only when he got caught. His "I need help" is a bald-faced manipulative plea on his part, and utterly insincere. Next time he tries that out on you, respond, "You sure do, and I suggest you get it sometime before your next wife leaves you, too."
Let him think about THAT for a while. He'll probably realize he doesn't actually give a shiit about you for YOU, and that trying his stupid antics out on some fresh, more gullible woman sounds pretty appealing relative to where he is now with you.
And in the end you will have saved yourself years of heartbreak in staying with him.
If, barring all that, you do want to try to salvage this "marriage," then dude needs some tough love already. Again, if he really thinks "he needs help," let him hit rock bottom and get it all by himself. I see no other path forward for him to regain your trust.