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Bully/Picking on other kids: I AM PRETTY F-ING MAD
This morning a mom approached me in the parking lot at daycare to tell me that my daughter has been picking on her kid for six months. (Basically all school year). She explained she was just trying to get to the bottom of things because her daughter doesn't want to go to daycare or ride the bus because my daughter is picking on her.
Apparently she talked to daycare, the bus company and the school but hasn't had any resolution. I was blindsided. It is the first I have heard of there being any problem. My daughter has always spoken positively about her kid. I was also confused because why did it take 6 months for me to find out about this? I see her almost every morning at daycare drop off and our kids play in the same soccer league in the fall.
I spoke with the daycare director/owner and she was surprised too. She said M is really sweet and affectionate. She said M hasn't been a problem at all. She offered to talk to the girls to see what the what was. My daughter hadn't a clue what she was talking about and the girls were playing together in dramatic play.
I just don't get why it escalated to this point. Why am I just being approached now? I don't think my kid is a bully and haven't had any indication in conferences or with other activities that she is a bully.
DH says our first step is to talk to daycare and to talk to M tonight. He had to talk me down. I was taunted a lot on the bus as a kid and it is a real hot button issues with me.
Any other advice?
Re: Bully/Picking on other kids: I AM PRETTY F-ING MAD
i think you took the right first step with talking to the school. if nothing else they'll keep an eye on things.
as for tonight, i'd approach it as carefully as you can. i'd probably say something like, "i spoke to X's mom today and it sounds like X has been pretty upset latey. why do you think she feels that way?" and go from there.
i don't envy you at all.
How old are they?
The woman's daughter *could* be just saying things. DD doesn't make up stories yet but I know of kids a bit older telling their parents that "so and so hit me" when it wasn't the case or a misinterpreted situation like she was just bumped and not pushed. The fact that no one has actually seen anything is telling.
She said she talked to the daycare but when you talked to the director, she was clueless?
What's kind of "interesting" about this, and makes me a little skeptical, is that I have a friend whose DD told her the same kind of story. I want to say she was around 5 or so. But for months - she talked about this girl on the bus who would pick on her.
My friend dealt w/ it as best she could - trying to help her DD deal with it, etc. Eventually it came out that her DD had actually been lying. The DD actually really liked the girl, the girl was nice to her, and she wanted to be better friends with her.
As her DD had been telling US about it too- my friend, as a consequence, made her DD tell us directly that she had been lying the whole time.
So, my point being - clearly look into it, talk to all the parties involved, etc. But - there IS a chance that this is fabricated. Kids do lie - it's a normal stage they go through. And I wonder if that "dramatic play" may have manifested itself elsewhere....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm confused - If the other mom talked to the daycare about the bullying, how was the director surprised when you brought the conversation to her attention? I'd find out if the daycare has any record of other mom talking to them about your daughter's behavior and see if they have any specific examples recorded. I'd probably wait to talk to your daughter until you find something to corroborate the other mom's report.
Is your daughter bossy at all? My son gets great marks on his behavior in class (he's in 1st grade) but I have witnessed him being super bossy with his friends..especially when it comes to sports or anything competitive. I have not had anyone complain to me about it but I am constantly working with him on his behavior.
edited to add that I think bossy behavior can come off as bullying so that's why I asked the question.
This happened with another kid in our neighborhood. Our "bus stop" Granny witnessed all the lying and told other kids not to play with the little girl because she was lying about it all.
Something isn't adding up here.
This has apparently been going on for an extended period of time and it's the first you've heard about it? And you're in contact with the other mom on a regular basis? And the daycare provider was surprised when you brought it up?
It's all very confusing.
Could it just be the difference in personalities instead of bullying? Is your daughter really headstrong or independent? Jack is, so I find myself having to work on ways to "soften" him up with his peers. He will completely take charge in social situations and I could see how a more quiet child would find this intimidating. Maybe this is why your DCP hasn't picked up on this because it isn't that your DD is being mean it is just part of her personality. Maybe the other girl is very sensitive?
I think it is good you are aware of it but don't automatically freak and think you are raising an ahole. It could be something really simple.
I also think it's strange that the other mom said she'd talked to the director and the director doesn't seem to remember.
Our kids are 5 and in K.
The only thing I can think of is that the mom talked to one of the after school teachers and it didn't make it up the chain to the director. I am pretty confident if she did know about it they would have addressed it. They are really great about that sort of stuff.
The director said that the M sits with another girl on the bus and this kid sits by herself in the back. M is a very outgoing, confident kid. She is also the first kid to run to a friend and see if they are okay anytime there are tears (like rubs back, hugs, etc.) I think she may come off as a little bossy because she know what she wants but she is very aware of other kids feelings that is why it shocked me. We've talked about bullies in response to a book we read and some of the curriculum at school. If you were to call M a bully to her face, she would lose it. To her that is the worst insult.
The bus company is pretty great, too. The entire bus was acting like putz by jumping around on the bus. They has all the kids sit in assigned seats and the daycare did a lesson on bus safety.
Yup.. me too.
At conferences all I got in regards to behavior was that M is a social butterfly. These two kids aren't in the same K class, just bus riders and daycare.
I agree I am upset but I don't get why you would go to the school first? I was completely rational in talking to her this a.m. I told her I would absolutely look into it and that our family takes things like this seriously.
I am just mad it took 6 months. I can't see having my kid hurt or upset for 6 months when it might be easily fixed.
This is exactly how my son is. He is super sensitive and if anyone gets hurt he is the first to help out or ask how they are and would never want to be thought of as a bully. But sometimes for my kid the self confidence and outgoing personality translates to being bossy...especially with more shy kids.
As others have noted - your DD may not know the other child feels intimidated.
I was a bossy, chattery and somewhat opinionated little girl. I don't really think I have a mean bone in my body - but I can imagine that a more shy child would have thought I was scary.
Good point. I can see a kid being pissed for being left out.
No specifics were given. It didn't help that I totally shut down when she threw that word out there.
I think a lot of us would react the same way. It would be hard to hear.
I imagine it took some time to sort out what was going on. At that age you can be friends one minute and not the next. A hit one day may not deter kids from playing together the following day. While there are some out and out bullies, for most kids there is a fine line between friendship, being mean, rough-housing and bullying at this age.
Also I am not sure it is completely out of line to go to the school first. As a parent I would probably talk to the teachers first to make sure I got a clearer picture of what was going on especially in light of my first paragraph. I look at it as their responsibility to manage the classroom and I would give them a chance to be on the lookout for certain behavior before tracking down a parent that I did not know that well. Especially since most parents are not that receptive to receiving critical information about their child from people who don't know them.
True.. but they aren't in the same class for K. They are in different classes. Maybe she contacted the school because it was related to the bus?
I just find it odd that I see this woman during morning drop off and have asked her questions related to the soccer program. Just seemed odd.
I understand it takes time but I don't get 6 months. That is most of the school year here and a lot of interaction.
Sorry I guess I can identify with the other mother in this situation. A friend of my son's basically started going above the basic rough-housing. At one point DS was so upset about it there would be a week of "I don't want to go to school". It took awhile to even get an answer to why he didn't want to go. Then the following weeks everything would be fine and I would hear stories on the way home how they played together. We would go to birthday parties and they were inseparable and playing the whole time and I did have conversations with his mom quite a bit at those times. Then it started up again, he would tell me that X was hitting him during circle time, etc. I talked to the teacher and she confirmed what my son said. We talked to him on how to handle situations if he was hit. Eventually my kid just hit him back and the boy hasn't bothered him since. Now my son plays with other kids in the classroom, so both I guess have decided that friends don't hit and moved on. Anyway, I never said anything to the mom because I was in discussions with the teacher about it. The other little boys mom seemed perfectly nice but it was still not easy for me to tell her hey your kid is hitting mine especially when the interactions both she and I witnessed were of them having a great time together. I also didn't trust my reaction if she said something crazy to me.
The reality is that there is nothing wrong with a parent talking to the school about something impacting their child during the school day whether that be a classroom, bus, recess, etc. And honestly you are a little defensive. I am sure you intended to come off rational but it is not really shining through in this thread. Somehow this is the other parents fault for not telling you sooner, or not observing what you believe to be the appropriate protocol in talking to you first?? You aren't besties, it probably wasn't easy for her to say anything at all to you in this instance and all she is really getting for her trouble is being second guessed about how she handled it. The only thing you should care about is whether your child actually did something or not (which is still up for debate since kids can and do stretch the truth), and if so how to deal with it. That should be your first and really only priority.
Yes, I absolutely am defensive and I know that sucks. I am really confused and like I said blind sided by it. I just want to get to the bottom of it.
I don't really remember this, but my mom tells this story all the time about when I was in K and I would come home in tears because of this girl on the bus who was mean to me. She was a year older, and was very outgoing, would share snacks with others on the bus (except me), etc. I, on the other hand, was very quiet (still am) and would often sit in the back and get engrossed in a book. She thought I didn't want to be her friend.
With some parental intervention, we became close and fast friends.