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quick vent...no big whoop
dsd doesn't live with her mother. she lives with dh's sister. her mother (who has full custody) sees her once every six weeks or so.
we are sending our full child support payment to her mother. her mother doesn't send any of that money to dsd or to my SIL to help cover her foot/transportation/school supplies, etc.
dh sends dsd a monthly allowance so that she can do stuff with her friends without asking SIL for money
we pay for half of her gymnastics lessons
dsd just made the high school cheerleading squad. SIL wrote her a check this morning for $150 for some kind of deposit for cheerleading then called dh to let him know so that he can pay her back.
dh and i just had a come-to-jesus about how we can not afford to pay for cheerleading (which is estimated to be about $8,000 before fundraisers) and continue to pay child support, allowance, gymnastics, etc.
did i mention that we also spend roughly $300 a month on gas just to go and get her and take her home every other weekend.
i feel like an ass for putting a price tag on our relationship with my dsd, but we PAY our child support and her mother just keeps it!!!!
www.inchingup.blogspot.com
Re: quick vent...no big whoop
I am assuming biomom doesnt contribute anything to cheer or anything else : (
Um, this IS a big whoop! It sounds like dsd's biomom is committing fraud by accepting your child support money when she doesn't have physical custody of the child, and when someone else is paying for her upbringing.
Did you have an attorney when you were working for custody of her? Would she/he be able to help with this?
This seems illegal, for the biomom to keep the child support without actually using it for her daughter. Anything the courts can do? PITA to go through the process, but probably a necessary evil at this point.
she does have physical custody of her. she agreed to let dsd stay with SIL so that she didn't have to change schools when we got moved last summer.
we talked to our attorney to see if there was a way we could get our child support sent to SIL and he said probably not because then her mother would rather make her go back to living with her than give up the check.
our only option would be to fight for custody of her again (which we spent thousands of dollars on last time, then dsd chagned her mind when we got moved away from her friends), and give her permission to stay with SIL.
we asked our attorney and the only thing the court can do is make dsd go back to living with her mom if her mom is going to keep the check, which NOBODY wants.
yeah, i've asked dh to talk with her again. she keeps telling dsd that she will give her money when she sees her this weekend, then never gets her for the weekend. she's in a constant state of telling everybody who asks about it that she will give her more money, then just never does it
I know DSD doesn't want this, but maybe its time to consider it. DSD was the one who decided that she would rather stay with her friends then the stable home you provided. It sucks, but you cannot keep bleeding money you don't have just because neither DSD or her mother actually want to live together.
Ugh. I'm phrasing all of this like an a$$hole, but I'm angry for you. I feel like your husband is bending over backwards so as to not upset anyone, and all that happens is you get more and more broke.
we have had it adjusted for the distance, which is why we have to pick her up and drop her off rather than meeting her mom half way. i assume the money for her extracurriculars is supposed to come out of the child support we currently pay?
What's the arrangement for activity fees? Because if you're not court ordered to pay a certain amount I'd tell the mother in no uncertain terms, "F*ck no."
How many more years of this sh!t do you have to put up with?
Is the Mom an attorney now?
this is EXACTLY what i have said and my dh's family all thinks i'm a traitor. apparently, we're all supposed to be giant martyrs so dsd doesn't have to do anythign she doesn't want to do. the way i put it was, "dsd knew that this was a risk when she decided not to move with us."
the problem for my dh is that my SIL and MIL will continue to pay out the ass for her to keep her away from her mother. if dh doesn't pay for stuff in an effort to force dsd's mother to pick it up, SIL or MIL cover it. the agreement to let her stay with SIL is between SIL and her mother so dh can't say that she has to go back to her mom.
his entire family dynamic is totally f*Cked when it comes to dsd and his mom and sister.
NO! she flunked the bar twice and told dsd that it's her fault that she isn't going to "achieve her dream." she told dsd that she spent all of her "study class money" to pay an attorney to fight for custody of her. she's working as a parole officer instead.
she's a sophomore, so two more...then we can fight about tuition.
dh's problem is that when we actually take a stand and say, "f*ck no," his mother or his sister pay for it instead, because they can't STAND the idea of dsd not being able to do something because her parents won't pay for it.
eta: their mantra is "it's not dsd's fault" so she should never experience what they see as "paying for it."
Is there a problem with them covering it?
Because I want to say, well that's their choice to make. We can't afford it.
This is really sh*tty. I can see why nobody wants her living with her mother. I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle of this. It must be really hard sometimes not to punch that b*tch in the face if she says/does stuff like this.
right? that's what i say, too, but dh gets all guilty and miserable about his family having to pick up the slack for his kid
Damn, a complaint to the state bar could have been an option here.
If SIL and MIL want to pay for it? Let 'em. Stop paying for what you can't afford simply because otherwise they will. If they insist on being part of the problem, they can be part of the solution.
Your MIL and SIL are entitled to do whatever they want with their money. If they choose to pay for things then that is on them. The two of you don't have to pay for a fcuked up situation. You are already going above and beyond what you are supposed to be doing.
He needs to accept that it's not that he won't pay for everything, it's that he CAN'T. He can't pay for cheerleading AND the child support that doesn't go to her and whatever else is coming up.
Maybe her mom won't pay, but that doesn't apply to her dad.
And maybe the divorce wasn't her fault, the fact that her mom sucks isn't her fault but it kind of is her fault that you guys don't have custody and have to send money to her mom. It's because of a choice she made. I get that she's still a kid and probably didn't see it that way or realize the full implications of her decisions but it's really not fair of them to imply he's slacking in his responsibilties when he's really trying.
ETA: yes I realize you probably know all this, and that getting him to actually agree is another thing. I guess this is my "no you're not crazy to think it shouldn't be like this"
I don't agree with this. Kids don't usually think in adult terms.
frkls, hope that you guys work things out. My only advice is, just keep trying to be patient, I guarantee that girl is angry, frustrated, and feels powerless a lot of the time, herself. You're doing a great job from what I've read.
He needs to grow a nut.
I agree.
but I also feel that people learn to think like an adult by having to live through the consequences of some of their teenage retardedness.
At the end of the day - I think ANY teen would choose to stay with their friends... if the parent allowed it.
I think you guys tried to do the right thing for her and respected her enough to have a bit of control over her own life... and in the end - you're getting fvked.
that sucks. a lot.
you're right...feeling responsible to support his child when her mother refuses to really screams "no balls" to me.
thanks everybody. i kind of expected to get the, "she's his kid and he needs to do whatever it takes to take care of her" flaming.
sometimes i feel like i don't know where reality ends and dh's family craziness begins. having other people tell me that it's acceptable to put our foot down on some stuff rather than having to fix everything feels really good.
What Floyd said.
We learn how to think like an adult by having to deal with the ramifications of our decisions. She probably needs to be made to understand that things like cheerleading are wants, not needs, and that if she wants you guys to be able to afford college for her, she's going to have to start making life a bit cheaper.
She sounds like a nice enough kid. But kids struggle to realize that you are not a bottomless bastion of money. It may be time for her to start to understand some of this.