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what the f does he want from me
I'll warn you this is stupid. But it we are both fuming. Tonight dh made a comment about my parents that pissed me off. My son is excited to go see my parents this weekend and dh said 'I don't know why he wants to go he'll just be bored, It's not like they play with him'
I bothers me that he frames my parents so negatively in front of my son. I find it unnecessary and catty. I feel like he wants to make my parents look bad so my son will favor his parents.
I asked him to stop talking like that about his grandparents and this turned into
'what a double standard, you can say crap about my parents' I don't ever say crap about his parents to my son or in front of my son. I often complain to him (my dh) about mean things that they do (which apparently I can't do, I just have to suck it up).
He continues to argue that it's a double standard
I continue to argue that he shouldn't brain wash our kid into believing that my parents are crappy grandparents.
We get no where because we are pulling in two different directions.
ME: I'm done. This is stupid. I don't want to argue. You're not even listening.
DH: 'you don't care about what I have to say.' He wants to continue arguing and insists that he's right.
Do we have communication problems? Yes. How the frak do we fix it? Our fights are always like this. Some random thing happens and then it snowballs into this.
Re: what the f does he want from me
We have a fighting safeword. It's buffalo. If either of us says buffalo we need to take a step back for a second for one reason or another. My H can get very animated when he discusses things like politics, and sometimes I need him to just shut the f*ck up for a minute. Sometimes we're just legit not hearing each other, like how your H clearly isn't hearing you. Buffalo backs the train up.
It's dumb and childish, but so are the both of us. heh.
I am curious why you "feel" like he wants to do this.
A number of reasons. Dh has said it jokingly a time or two. And his parents are competitive. They ask what my parents will buy for xmas/bday and they always get something nicer. They will not stop bashing their other grandparents-in-law, so I feel they probably do the same with mine.
So it sounds like you think his parents are azzholes and he does not agree.
Do you think he looks down on you? Do you think his parents look down on you? Or is it just him and his parents looking down on your family?
LOL, I'm sorry-- who came where asking for advice? Calm yourself.
If you are after opinions on how to talk about each others' respective parents then here is one: both of you need to can it about the others' parents in front of the kid. Slap on a smile and don't say negative things in front of the child unit.
In private you each can have a designated 8 minutes (its a LONG time) to bytch and moan about the other's parents. The other person can just sit there and listen. No interrupting or protesting. You can even take notes if you feel it is appropriate. Also, each person cannot take the 8 minutes they have in rebuttal yet.
Then after each person has vented, the person that went first gets to have their rebuttal and then the other person. Remember the rules. During each 8 minute segment (you can adjust it to 5 if you want) the other person MUST sit there silently. That way you each "listen to what the other has to say" .
You can use this for other arguments as well.
Given your response here, it's not exactly a shock to me that you and your husband have communication issues. You just jumped on Fuss without bothering to answer any of the questions she asked.
If you both acknowledge you have a communication problem, marriage counseling might help you learn to communicate better and argue fairly. The way my husband and I communicate is by giving each other time to air out our side, acknowledging why they other person feels the way they do and any validity to it and then taking a break to cool down before discussing it again a little later when we're both calmer. It works well for us.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
This.
Have you considered counseling?
You have communication issues.
Also, you should listen to Fuss and answer her questions, she gives very good advice.
Ditto. It seems like you are 50% of the problem here.
I don't think my answer conveyed well. I was actually smiling when I wrote that. I did answer her first round of questions. I just don't see how she drew that conclusion from my argument, it's obvious that we don't have a love for each others parents, but I wasn't attacking his, it was the other way around. But anyways, I am here for advice. Fuss, we've been together 13 years, so there is a lot baggage. Basically, they don't like me, and I do feel judged by them all the time and I feel like they are just looking for stuff to be critical about including my family. A lot of fights about how his parents treat me which I think makes him feel like he needs to look for things wrong with my parents. So because my parents are not the kind of grandparents his parents are, he implies they are inferior with his tone. I find that hurtful because I don't think his parents are the whole package either. I guess we are both sensitive about our parents, but I think to expect that I will never complain is unrealistic. All I can promise is to not say anything negative in front of the kids and want him to do the same.
I do appreciate the 8 minute technique. I feel like our arguments go in circles and nothing ever gets resolved. I want to figure out how to keep us on the same page, like we were clearly arguing over two different things. My question is, at what time do you stop? I have a tendency to shut down when I see us getting nowhere and he always says I stop when I know he is right and I don't want to admit it. The whole thing is just frustrating.
Anyways, I do appreciate anyone who take the time to give advice. I won't be around internet for the weekend, but will read replies when I get back.
I think counseling for communication issues would be helpful. I also think that you both have to recognize that just because your parents are different doesn't make either of them wrong. You can all co-exist in the world with your differences as long as you can accept them and not expect each set of parents to act/react just like the other set.
There is value in differences.
I have a simple question. **Do** you talk negatively about your DH's parents in front of your child?
You guys know that your communication skills are dreadful. Both of you are arguing to be "right", not to solve the problem. You guys need to release your egos in your discussions and view the situation from a "We have a difference of opinion here. We want to work out a solution. Let's figure out what we agree on, and then work on the stuff we don't."
This is how it would work in the example you gave us:
"Honey, what you just said to DC about my parents really bothered me. I worry that comments like that will affect DC's relationship with his grandparents."
"But your parents are a little boring."
"Yeah, maybe to us, but DC obviously finds them exciting to visit. And I think **we** can both agree how important DC's relationship with both sets of grandparents is. **We** both want to have a strong family group."
"But you denigrate my parents in front of DC."
"You are right. I probably have carelessly said negative things about your parents in front of DC, because of the mixed history I have had with your parents. I want to stop doing that. The next time I say something in front of DC that you perceive as negative about your parents, please say the word "Zippity do dah" to get me to stop immediately."
Your husband will be looking at you strangely at this point, because this technique will be so different than your usual argument style.
"Honey, will you be willing to have me use the same technique with you so that we both can watch our comments about our respective parents? I think it will help us stay on target to our goal of fostering a good relationship between DC and both sets of grandparents."
Identify the problem. Acknowledge your own part in the problem. Identify the solution goal. Construct the path to the solution.
http://www.andersoncooper.com/2012/04/18/gottman-four-negative-patterns-that-predict-divorce/
Both of you feel like the other attacks your parents. I can kind of see where he is coming from. It's ok not to love his parents but he does love them and he is defensive of them, the same way you are with his parents. It doesn't sound like they're particularly toxic so just let it go. I don't complain to my H about anything and everything under the sun, especially things I know would be hurtful to him. It's not hiding things, its having respect for another person's feelings. The distinction as to whether you attack the other's parents in front of the kid is more or less moot in my mind if you're saying bad things about the other's parents that hurt that person. So his parents try to one up yours? Not a great quality, but stop sharing so much info with them. So they trash your parents, be the bigger person and let it go. If you think he should be tactful re. your parents relationship with the kiddo then you should be tactful re his parents relationship with the kiddo. It would really hurt my feelings if DH complained about my parents, who are not perfect but who love us.
The communication issues can be helped by counseling. If they aren't too far gone you can sit down and have a discussion of what each of you considers to be counter productive in an argument and what you find hurtful. For example, I find it hurtful when someone raises their voice or says "you always". DH knows if he wants to have a productive disagreement with me and get somewhere these two things are more or less off limits.
In your conversation you said that the argument was "stupid" which comes across as saying the way he feels is stupid. You then told him he "isn't listening anyway" which is insulting and attacking. From what you've posted it seems to me like you caused the disagreement then escalated the disagreement. Of course he wanted to keep discussing it, you completely discounted his feelings and refused to listen or acknowledge them as valid.
The way this should have gone was you telling him that it hurts your feelings when he speaks negatively about your parents in front of kiddo. He then should have responded that it hurts his feelings when you say negative things about his parents. You acknowledge that that is a valid way to feel, promise to work on it in the future. He promises to do the same. I would say the biggest issue it sounds like you guys have is accusing and blaming so you can be right without acknowledging the others feelings. It is rarely about who is right, in fact in disagreements like this it is rare that one person is 100% right, and more about being able to tell your partner how you feel and have those feelings acknowledged and respected.
I didn't know anyone else did this! Ours is starfish.
We use the spell "Stupefy!" to stop take a breath.