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Update on DD's behavior :) & :(
Well Monday went GREAT, she was 100% good!
. Tuesday was good at School (90%), terrible at home (40% although it should have been less)
Wednesday was 80%, not bad.
Thursday was terrible all day, 50% (again should have been less)
Friday and today, 100%!
We gave her % ratings, we tell her every morning, we want a 100% day Alison!! I write her % and a note beside of it, for every day.
When Tuesday was here, with how bad she was, I was frustrated, angry and I had had enough. I know I had to show her I meant business but wasn't sure Iw anted to go the "take it all away" route just yet. It's difficult to figure out what she loves best, if you take one thing away, she could care less.
SO, I took away one of her most favorite things. THe one thing we said would be the "last resort". I figured Tuesday, you know what? It WILL let her see we are serious.
I took away her most favorite stuffed animal she sleeps with every night. I got home with her after school, went in her room and took "Toby" the Mini Schnauzer stuffed animal, took him outside and "gave him to a nice girl" (my trunk). She cried, and cried then settled down. she was an angel that night, knowing she had to earn him back. Weds she was great, Thursday not so great, Friday AWESOME. She kept saying to us and her teachers "I have to be 100% to get Toby back" We will be ok with 80% or more, as long as there is no hitting friends at her school.
So, lets hope she can get what we are trying to do for her. It's only a week in of these rules and such, so will see how it goes.
I am heading out to get Toby in a few minutes. She sure deserves to have him back.
Re: Update on DD's behavior :) & :(
** I also sat and talked to H about all this. With her going to Kin-de-garten in 2 months, I said she needs US home, most of the time. We sure don't need to work as much as we are now, but my job will probably be quite busy, but I will be home at night with them. I told him we won't be scrapping bottom, but we have to be frugal and still work the 2nd jobs, but can't do it as much. H and I have been on and off bickering, nearly not talking and super good and best friends, and I am pretty sure that affects her. We both are working a ton and getting little sleep and cranky.
So keep your fingers crossed.
I'd never heard of the % approach before. Not like this at least. Reinforcement approaches, sure, but not with the % detail. Neat! Sounds like it is making some progress. Does she understand the purpose of trying to be 100% or does she just know what she needs to do to be 100%?
Good luck!
I just made it up on a whim. I don't know what made me think of it. We give her lots of praise if she does well, and then we sit down and chat about what happened when she was bad. The % just verbally and visually lets her understand how she is doing and yes, she does know the difference. I didn't think she would but she does.
On tuseday I said "Alison, how do you think you are doing today, what %."
She said "20"
Her teachers help her too, they remind her "Alison, don't forget, 100%" THey told us on Friday, she seems to understand she needs to be better. Her behavior in school has been better too.
Impressive! That is awesome that the teachers are supportive and involved. We don't have children yet but I may incorporate this when we do!
Again, good luck, and keep us posted.
*I am not a parent BUT* .....
1- NOBODY is perfect....I think putting on the pressure to be 100% is not a healthy perspective for a child because anytime she isnt "100%" she is going to think she isn't "good enough" (trust me, I say that from my own childhood experience)
2- Taking away an item like the stuffed animal she sleeps with every night (obviously it makes her feel "safe") doesn't seem right to me. I totally agree with consequences, and by all means take away another toy/object that is important to her, but isn't there any other item that isn't something used for her in a daily routine for comfort and familiarity?
I feel like what she remembers from an experience like that is more about the trauma of the toy/comfort object being gone and not at all a lesson in what behaviors are expected from her.
Just my two cents
Well, I can understand if we put pressure on her saying, if you are not 100% then that is not acceptable. We have told her its ok not to be perfect, none of us are. we don't pressure her and pressure her at all. We just say try your best. The biggest thing we told her is to listen and not hit her friends. She knows as long as she behaves we are very happy. WE don't sit there and say "YOU MUST BE 100%". We just want her to try her best and she is reacting to it. THis is not something we will carry on month after month. When she acts well, we praise her with hugs, high fives and love. And it could be from putting her laundry away, putting her dishes in the sink, making her bed (which we encourage her to do, not MAKE her do and if she doesn't we dont' punish her), to behaving at school. Her biggest problem was hitting kids at school, her very best friends. Tuesday she threw a pencil at her friend, kicked the wall, threw paint on the floor, said "shutup" to a friend, THAT is unacceptable. Punishing her for not being 100% is unacceptable too, we are not super strict parents, we are only trying to have her understand her recent behavior is less than spectacular. We have never had problems with her acting the way she has been and I am betting she will turn it around pretty quickly.
The animal. Well, I didn't take it away day after day, I took it once for a couple nights (2), thats it. It is not one I will take away again, I wanted her to understand consequences. She is very difficult to show consequences, that is how tough and stubborn she was. AFter she cried she knew she had to behave to have him back. I am uncomfortable with her being totally dependent on a stuffed animal, we have tried to help her understand she doesn't HAVE to have something like Toby everynight, she has plenty others. SHe has had other favorites, right now it is Toby. Once she left him at daycare for a weekend, she didn't lose sleep over it. She was upset, but wasn't so upset she couldn't function. Taking him away was a one time thing.
Re: Update on DD's behavior
& 
*I am not a parent BUT* .....
1- NOBODY is perfect....I think putting on the pressure to be 100% is not a healthy perspective for a child because anytime she isnt "100%" she is going to think she isn't "good enough" (trust me, I say that from my own childhood experience)
2- Taking away an item like the stuffed animal she sleeps with every night (obviously it makes her feel "safe") doesn't seem right to me. I totally agree with consequences, and by all means take away another toy/object that is important to her, but isn't there any other item that isn't something used for her in a daily routine for comfort and familiarity?
...We tried several things as well, scooter, computer time, baby care items, movies, other favorite toys, it phased her for about 30 mins, then she didn't care.
That's awesome, good for you :-)
I do agree with pp that I wouldn't take away a night time comfort item.
Maybe it wasn't the best choice, but it was the only thing I thought of at the moment that would probably affect her. I mean, my girl is tough.
We have been working with behavioral therapists for years with my DD (she's on the autism spectrum) and one thing I will say is you might have even more success if you give your DD very concrete, detailed descriptioons of the behavior you WANT.
Telling her you want 100% accuracy is extrememly vague IMO, not to mention the fact that she may not even understand the concept of percentages.
What are the behaviors you are looking to extinguish? Biting? Hitting? Not listening?
Maybe you can set up a chart at home and or at school. When she makes it through the day with no biting, that gets one sticker. No hitting as well? That gets 2 stickers for the day. If she listens to her teachers that will earn her the third sticker.
3 stickers per day = 100%
This way, she can see what she is working toward and it is not some abstract concept.
Does this make sense? I hope I am thoroughly explaining what is in my head LOL
Good luck!
That is a very good suggestion. WE did do a chart before, but it was more for doing things around the house, making bed, laundry away, etc.. but maybe we will set one up again for good behavior. We can "grandfather" that in through the week. I know the percentage may be a bit beyond her understanding which is why I didn't want to do it long.
H works with Autistic children and he has mentioned being clear about good behavior, they have very interested techiques about many things they teach and help them with and I think it can apply to other children as well. Part of me thinks sometimes he comes home from a day with the children just completely wiped out and disciplining or praising DD is more difficult. It rubs off on all of us and I really feel all of us could use better behavior, better listening and working together.
You know we have threatened this at dinner, but the very few times we would have been able to follow through (she usually lets her listening ears kick back in), we didn't.
And BABS, we just want the listening better, stopping beating up school mates and leaving the tantrums behind (along with the fake crying, oh how I hate that fake crying)
Try to come up with an exact description of what you want from her. "Better listening" is super vague. Maybe you can positively reinforce her when she does something the FIRST time you ask. That is the behavior you desire. You're not looking for "better listening," you want her to do what you ask without telling her a million times.
Is there something small you can give her that she REALLY likes. Tickles, praise, stickers, tiny pieces of candy, a happy dance? When she does something you ask of her the very first time you ask make a HUGE deal! Tell her what a great job she did and how impressed you are with her!
Believe me, she will understand that so much better than saying she needs to do a better job following directions.
Positively reinforce in small steps. It really works.
THank you all for the tips.
One thing that does make this harder than probably a "normal" parent, there are times where the frustrations, snippiness, short tempered, depressive Bipolor sticks it's ugly head in the way. So there are times, very rarely, that it is nearly impossible, or impossible to handle situations well. I do the very best I can and have learned to just take a step back, breathe and reapproach it a few minutes later. I seriously wish I could just get a shot and get rid of it.
I will give her more praise, she is a VERY loving child, far too sweet to be angry with, not to mention gorgeous and funny, which makes it even more difficult to do the right thing.
I don't think there's anything wrong with telling her you want a 100% day. It gives her something to aim for. I especially like the fact that it makes her evaluate her own behavior, when you asked her what percentage she thought she was at.
Telling her, we want an 80% days seems to me like saying, "You can misbehave this many times and still get rewarded." I'm not saying to punish her for an 80% day, but I don't think it's bad to tell her she has to try her for 100%
My Dad also worked with children in a therapeutic environment and it was obvious that he was burned out and had a hard time maintaining balance.
I'm in the minority in that I think that taking away a comfort item might be affective for a kid that is adverse to consequences. Once she earns him back you will see whether it was or wasn't but you yourself said you don't plan to make that a regular thing and I believe you won't have to.
I agree with this. If there is only one toy she really cares about and is not going to care if you take away everything else, obviously that's the thing you need to take. My SS is like this. You could strip his room down bare and he does not care. Take away his helicopters and you suddenly have his attention.
Good luck!