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Flippin mad ? am I wrong here?
Mom: ?Why??
Me: ?Again, so I could go out to dinner at BJ?s. (a restaurant)?
Mom:?With who??
Me:?A date.?
Mom:?Well with who??
Me: ?Sorry, but would it be ok to keep some of that part of my life private?? (calm voice)
Mom: ?Well we were going to have the kids (my niece and nephew) up sometime that weekend ? but who would you be going out with??
Me: A little mad, but still calm.?OK, don?t worry about it I will either make other arrangements or just not go out that weekend.?
Mom:?If we were to babysit your daughter then we would need to know where you would be, when you would be back, and who you would be with. (her getting upset) What if you didn?t come home and we had to call the police! Well we are both tired at the end of long days, you need your rest. Get good night?s sleep.?
Then I just wanted to get off the phone because I was starting to get flippin mad. Do you ever know where or what my sister is doing when you take the kids and have for years ? no! Am I crazy or wrong that I should be allowed some privacy and only have to tell any sitter where/what number I will be at and when I will be back?
This is not the first time she has tried to hold onto control,
an issue I have talked with my therapist numerous times before. He says to keep
being assertive in my actions and communications and to keep up the
consequences (me seeing her only when necessary, taking/giving space, etc.) if
she cannot have an adult conversation about things like that. Advice please! It has been shown through pattern with both me and my dad that if we give in it just gets worse.
Re: Flippin mad ? am I wrong here?
I know! If I were to just ask my dad (but he doesn't believe in "triangulating") he would be like, OK - what time do you need me and when will you be back - like any sitter. My mom just has issues I guess. So frustrating as day-care is not a feasible financial option right yet as far as my work days go. I have a feeling if she didn't see/watch DD as much, it would be more like no questions asked.
Eh, I don't think it's that bad but it sounds like there's probably way more to it than this one conversation. I mean my mom usually watches my son when I go on dates and it's pretty typical for her to ask me who I am going out with. I don't mind telling her, but we have a good relationship and she is just interested in my life and what's going on. I think it would be weird if she didn't care. I mean, she's not just "a babysitter' she's my mom.
There is more to it than one conversation. Many like this, like I said I have talked to my therapist many times about it. She also likes to refer to herself as "we" as in what should "we" do for DD, what should "we" ask the doctor, etc. This was the first major issue, fixed for awhile with my counselor's help - but she keeps regressing. He told me to just keep re-explaining the benefits and consequences, but between explaining things to her and then explaining rules to XH - it is just tiring sometimes. Over and over and over.
I don't think you are wrong but perhaps it's better just to hire a sitter for the times you want to go on dates if this is happening. Seems like an easy solution.
Yeah, I think I am going to have to find a "third party" sitter here soon. It sucks because a lot of people I know, know my folks so it feels kind of weird. Plus she is at the age where the person would basically just come here and sit while she sleeps. I know sometimes it is just dealing with the battle and not the whole war.
I wouldn't look at it as a bad thing...especially if they watch her during the week you can just say you want to give them a break during the weekend. Most of the time babysitting at night involves watching TV while the kids sleep... I know because I made a ton of money during high school doing this... but at the end of the day a sitter will give you the freedom you want from your parents.
Remember- having a sitter really actually isn't as much about having someone to literally play with/ spend time w/ your child. They're there to make sure your LO is safe - asleep or not.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If you can't have an open, honest relationship with your mom, then don't have one. Hire a sitter and pay them and don't ask for favors from your mom when you dont what to "share" your plans.
You could also have told your mom you were making plans with "friends from work" or "friends in the neighborhood," A white lie? Yes, but it gets her off your back. You can protest that you shouldn't have to lie, etc. - - but your mom isn't going to change, so the best you can do is change yourself.
I actually agree that someone watching your child should know where you are, when you will be back, and it's not bad that SOMEONE (not necessarily who) knows who you are with. (But I get that,. when you have a history of dealing with someone who doesn't respect boundries, it is a trigger). FWIW, my own mother used to really over-step with me, but never with my younger sister (who was much wilder, but really not that wild in comparison to the rest of the world, lol). I started setting boundries and copying from my sister's playbook. Also I noticed that my sister did what she wanted, and my mom adjusted (vs. me adjusting to make my mom comfortable).
I can have a challenging-at-times relationship with my mom, so I understand that annoyance at being all up in your business. However, I do think it's right and appropriate for her to know what your plans are just in case something happens. What if she needed to contact you about your DD and your cell phone was dead or you couldn't hear it? She could call the restaurant if needed.
As far as wanting to know the name of your date and an anticipated time you'll be back, I view that as A Mom Thing. Again, in case something happens because scary people exist in the world, she'll know when to get concerned. Back when I was dating, I told my BFF all this information to be on the safe side - she'd expect a text from me at the end of the night so she knew I was home safe. To this day, we'll text each other when we get home from going out to a restaurant together.
I don't see the harm in saying "I'm going out with Todd, we're going to BJ's, and I'll be back to pick up DD at 9." You can be vague on details beyond that and feel perfectly justified in it.
ETA: Maybe if you instituted a similar plan with a friend, your mom won't worry so much. Once my mom knew I had things under control, she backed off.
Thanks, that is a good suggestion!
Update: If you are still clicking on this post here is an update
I had a small talk with my mom tonight, generally about how I have a lot going on (she shared some losses of friends of friends too this weekend with me) and that I am OK, I pray to have an open and forgiving heart every night even on the small stuff, and that sometimes it would just be good for me to get out and have dinner when it's dark and feel like I have a night out. She listened well and am going to check with my dad on their plans next weekend and get back to me tomorrow. While it may only be baby steps towards larger mom issues (some I am sure that will last a lifetime because some do lol), it was a good talk and we communicated well and a lot better than last time.
Thanks for all your responses!
And this is why I don't want a relationship with my own mother - control freak! I can't stand that.
Ugh that's way over-stepping on your mom's part. I'd be mad if I were you. My mom and I have a great relationship, my mom watches DD while I'm at work, and when I go out and ask her to watch DD, she doesn't ask me the who, when, where, etc of my plans.
I tell her what times I need her to watch DD and that's it. Everyone has a cell phone. If your mom needs to reach you while you're on a date she can call.
I have also found it's easier just to find a sitter other than my parents though. That way DD can just be at home and go to sleep in her own bed while I'm out. It may be something to look into.
This. My dad works in public safety at a university and hears/sees horror stories often... so I know it makes them feel better to have as much info as possible.
ETA: I am glad you talked to your mom. I also wanted to say that in my situation I do not look at my mom trying to control me, I think of it as her being a mom. She worries about me. I worry about my DD too and I now understand where all of her questions come from. Like I said telling her where/when/who does not bother me, because she gives me my space when I need it and if not for her help and support I would not be able to do as much as I do. If there is ever an issue, we talk about it.