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How do I do this?
Hello,
I'm sorry if I should have posted on TIP instead but I wasn't sure. I am 25 and my fiance is 26. We've been together for 4 years and were friends before that for even longer when we were both in school together. Things were pretty decent in the beginning but as time goes on it just goes from bad to worse. I was going to try typing it out but it got so long I figure I'll just put it like this. Our major problems are that his family mooches off of us but he just enables them, we cannot communicate when we have issues, and as time goes on he seems to be getting constantly angry at me in a way that is starting to remind me of my mom/dad's abusive relationship without the physical abuse.
There is a whole other mess in there but I'm at the point now that while I still love him, I realize our relationship isn't working and I want to leave. He is leaving on a 4 day trip in June and some people are suggesting I just move my things out while he's gone and leave it at that. I don't really want to do it that way because I don't feel that things are so bad to treat him that way, but because of our problems talking to each other about serious issues (we both will just clam up or blow up when it gets bad enough) I'm at a loss of how to bring this up beforehand. If I did it that way it would also leave him without a car, but I've been mentioning that he should be looking for one so really...I'm not sure how badly I should feel about it. How would you bring this up, or would you even bother? Thank you..
Re: How do I do this?
If you have already made up your mind to leave, which it sounds like you have, then waiting will not make your feelings change. Abuse does not have to be physical in order to be abuse. Without help, abuse will never get better; it will only escalate. If you feel unsafe or you think he might blow up, it would be best to leave when he's not around. No matter what, you have to do what's best for you.
And who cares if it leaves him without a car? What business does he have giving money to his family if he doesn't even own a vehicle? It sounds like he is enabling his family and you are enabling him to do so.
That sucks. I know how you feel; I've been there. Have you already checked out of the relationship, or are you willing to work on things if he is? I ask because that is what you'll need to convey to him if you want to talk to him about it. I know it's hard, but all you have to do is start with the words, "We need to talk." The rest will flow from there.
It may help you to write down what you want to say first, or at least your main points. That way if the conversation becomes emotional, you will be able to stay on track and not leave out anything important.
You said you think that he may not be happy either, so you may be surprised how the conversation actually turns out. Maybe he's been wanting to talk to you too, but doesn't know how to bring it up. It sounds like something's got to give.
It doesn't sound like you consider him dangerous, so maybe skipping out on him isn't necessary. What is your fear about sitting down with him, saying it's over and leaving? That's not a snarky question, just wondering. I had a similar sounding relationship with my ex-fiance, we just simply didn't get along, could not communicate, and he could be inconsiderate and verbally mean at times, but I knew I had no reason to fear him physically, ever. Only you know the dynamic of your situation, but even in the worst times of any of my relationships I would have been really miffed by someone just moving out while I was away.
Maybe your fear is that he will try and talk you out of it? If you both are as miserable as you suggest, he might be relieved.
To Starburst,
I don't, and if he was, he'd have way more to worry about from me than I would from him to be honest. : And I really don't know..maybe it's just me trying to find a way to put it off because I've never really had to do it before? I'm having a hard time with it too because I do still love him, but I know leaving is the right thing for me. I don't think he's halfway as miserable as I am. What man would be when he pays minimal bills, gets a free vehicle, goes fishing whenever he wants and has someone waiting on him at home? I can tell lately he's unhappy but, it could just be he's stressed from school or whatever. As I said above I never know because he says as little as possible.
Communication is HUGE. If you cannot communicate you really don't have much of a foundation for anything else.
Sounds like your mind is made up. I'd let him know what you've decided to do and that it's not up for negotiation and then begin the process of moving out.
It sounds like your mind is made up, but you are afraid he will talk you out of it. That may be the reason why others have suggested you move out while he isn't there.
If you have somewhere to go, then don't drag this out for another month. Finalize your moving plans and let him know a day or two beforehand that you are leaving and your decision is final. Do not allow him to bait you into an argument about it and do not feel sorry for him.