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Serial monogamy vs. dating non-exclusively
How do you feel about it?
Last night I had a disagreement with my BFF (male). I've posted a few times about signing up for Match. I've had dates with 3 different guys. Two of which are great and I'm seeing them both again. I only go out when DS is with his dad. If my parents were visiting (which they do a couple times a year) I *might* go out after DS was asleep. He won't see or know about anyone I date.
My BFF basically said he thinks it's a terrible decision on my part to go on dates with two people because I'm setting a bad example for DS (which doesn't make sense since he won't see any of it). He thinks it's impossible to compartmentalize family and dating so I should stick to serial monogamy to set a good example for DS. I think that parading men in front of DS is wildly inappropriate. I have no intention is introducing him to someone I'm dating for a very long time.
The whole thing made me feel bad about dating two people simultaneously. It has also made me wonder when I should tell each about the other one. Both situations are casual - we haven't even been on multiple dates. What an awkward thing to say on a 2nd date... Hey, just FYI but I've been out on a date with someone else. kwim?
Re: Serial monogamy vs. dating non-exclusively
This exactly.
Your BFF is being irrational. How can your child be hurt by something they aren't even aware of? And kudos to you for working so hard to keep your dating life separate from your home life *until* it is serious. So many parents traipse a ton of dates through their child's life and just confuse them.
You're not doing anything wrong. I think it's smart to continue to see both people until you determine which (if either!)is best suited to you for a relationship. As long as no one is thinking it's exclusive -- which I can't imagine is the case, after one date each -- you're fine!
Please reconsider getting another BFF. One who is not a Puritan.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
I agree with you - and you have to get to know people before you jump into an exclusive relationship with them, right? How are you supposed to do that if you're not dating around a little?
Am I the only one who has been asked on every single first date how many other men I'm seeing?
The whole point of dating is to determine if you actually like a person and want to become more serious. The fact that you've happened to meet two men at the same time who you like and are interested in doesn't mean you should drop one "just so" that you can be monogamous. Thta doesn't make any sense.
You're doing a great job of keeping this part of your life seperate (yes, you CAN compartmentalize!!). If your DS ever were to know about this, he'll learn that it's smart to take things slow, date awhile, and figure out if you really like someoen and really have potential before getting too serious too fast.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I adore you!
And I agree with PPs....as long as you are keeping your DS out of the mix, who cares if you're seeing more than one person at a time?
This. I couldn't have a BFF that was all judgy of me.
This. I think if you get to the point where a man asks you if you are dating other men you have to be honest though. Until you have a committment talk I don;t see an issue.
For my personal values, I would not be sleeping with two people at the same time (or even intimate with one, and "dating" another). If I like/care about a person enough to be intimate with them, then I care enough about them not to date other people.
I don't think you're at this stage with either guy yet. You're getting to know them. There is nothing wrong with that. Somebody may wind up hurt, b/c you might have to choose in the end, but you could end up choosing neither. Or not dating one b/c the chemistry isn't working, regardless about how you feel about any other man in your life.
I do think it's smart not to parade around with multiple men in front of your child, but you're not doing that.
Your bff sounds like this is more about his own baggage than about what you are doing.
Some guy asked me on Saturday, "so, how many boyfriends do you have?" so I replied, "6 boyfriends and a girlfriend, thanks, so I'm not taking applications."
It comes across as very insecure to me, but really, how realistic is it that you'd be using something like OKC and only dating one person at a time? Pf.
I think so long as you keep those parts of your life separate it's fine. If you get to a point where you only want to see one person after seriously dating for awhile only then would you introduce DS.
The reality is, even when you're a mother, you still like to feel like a woman (be taken on dates, get male attention, etc.) and I think you're doing a good job of fulfilling that need without impacting DS in any way. Tell your friend to mind his own business. You're handling this just fine.
I agree with this, but I'd also add that sleeping with someone while dating others, or sleeping with multiple people, is a pretty good way to drive away any quality catches - the ones who don't mind aren't going to be ones you'd want to keep, and the ones you'd want to keep are going to be pretty skeeved when they find out.
If you're just getting to know people, though, then I have no idea what your bff's problem is.
I agree with the PP's....I don't see anything wrong with going out with a few guys as that's a big part of what dating is-figuruing out what you want and trying to find someone who wants what you want.
My sister is a serial monogamist (she jumps from relationship to relationship with NO break in between) and a single mom that introduces each of those relationships into her daughters life WAY too early IMO. I think this is much worse than going out wtih a few guys at a time. As long as you're seperating your dating life from your home life until it's serious and an appropriate amount of time has passed to introduct them to your child, then there isn't anything wrong with it, IMO. I've been doing that the past few weeks...I happen to like one more than another, but I don't want all my eggs in one basket. I'm not sleeping with either, so I see no harm in it. The way I figure it is both guys are probably seeing other girls, so I can, too, right?
Thanks for posting the thread - it's been on my mind too!
In your case, no you are doing nothing wrong like many have already said - and you are keeping DS completely out of it so moot point to your BFF. I also think it's OK to feel one way about it, then another at times too.
I thought I was a serial monogamist myself and have a date with this guy on match I have been talking to. But after he brought out the whole "if the date goes well and we set up a second, you will be the only girl I am talking too. No pressure." I am completely thinking the other way - plus I do like the attention, I am independent, and I like my time too.
I think it's rediculous to sign up for a dating website like Match.com or OKcupid and NOT assume that anyone you connect with on that site is dating more than one person.
....not that there's anything wrong with dating more than one person!
You crack me up! I'm seriously LOLing at this.
I think most of this is stemming from his own baggage. His parents divorced when he was young and had a LOT of drama both with each other and dating. They both paraded a lot of SOs in front of him and were not discrete about sexual relationships.
I thought he was being totally irrational but I just wanted confirmation. I would certainly never lie about it! I just don't think it's necessary information to share at this point. Neither of them have asked and it hasn't come up in conversation. We're still talking second dates here... FAR from exclusive territory imo. I don't even really know them yet since we've only spent a few hours with each other. Definitely not sleeping with either one.
I'm just getting back into dating. I'm dipping my toes in the casual dating water. I figure as long as I'm up front and honest with everyone I'm good. I'd obviously say something if I thought either of them were getting attached.