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I'm new here-long
Hi ladies. I'm new here and wanted to introduce myself and possibly get some advice. I'm 30 years old, i have a great career and have been married for 9 months( no kids). My husband has post traumatic stress disorder and anger issues related to his childhood. He is emotionally abusive and quickly escalates to become aggressive to others. He is in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist and on meds as well. He is not physically abusive, but verbally is just as difficult. He has also had multiple physical fights with random people over road rage, etc but has never been arrested.
I thought with the appropriate help, he could improve and gain more control over his anger. Honestly, I'm very unhappy, depressed and anxious. I have to walk on eggshells and it still does not resolve the issues. I do love him and also feel sorry that he has all these issues--I guess that's why I've stayed this long.
I'm contemplating divorce. I just can't stand to be so unhappy and I'm scared to have children because I think his emotional issues are unhealthy. I'm scared of being a "failure" at marriage. I guess I am embarrassed that "a girl like me" has gotten into a "situation" like this. Advice is appreciated..
Re: I'm new here-long
Are you prepared to wait for years for his treatment to -- maybe -- be effective? Are you prepared to put all your life goals on hold during this time in deference to his attempts to get healthy?
Otherwise I'd seriously chalk this marriage up to a huge mistake/misjudgment on your part, take ownership of the fact that YOU made a bad choice in marrying this deeply flawed person, and cut bait and quick
Curious, how long were you together (dating and engaged) before you got married?
We were together over 2 years when we got engaged ( broken up once for a few months due to same issue). Engaged for 6 months. I did make a bad choice, I believe it was because I met him on the rebound coming out of a long relationship. I sometimes imagine how much less stressful things could be without hIm. But I think I'd miss his good qualities. But it's true, I don't even know if years of treatment could help.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
You're right. I know it may sound silly, but sometimes support from outside people is very helpful. IRL my family and friends see what goes on and just act supportive bc they love me. I guess I'm freaked out by staring over at age 30. But being eternally unhappy would be awful. I'm so confused and nervous.
Would you recommend legal separation, or just moving out? I guess I could look for a place...moving back with my family would just add stress to my life even though I love them dearly.
well I would look into what the divorce requirements are in your state, some require you live apart or have a legal separation for a set amount of time before you can file, so I'd start there. Maybe meet with a lawyer, definitely protect your financial assets if you leave. Have everything in place BEFORE you tell him, as he may very well fly off the handle, spend your money, open credit cards in your name, etc. You have to be prepared for that kind of thing.
many people with PTSD do get better, but sometimes there is more underneath. Some people are truly angry people inside and lack coping skills. I would be hesitant to blame all the bad behavior on a PTSD diagnosis, part of it may just be who he really is, and that's not going to change.
at 30 I wouldn't want to waste any more time.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
I was with a abusive person for a while (5 years!!!). It's scary to walk away because you don't know what they will do. Mine wasn't due to PTSD but I think more of adult ADHD plus too many steroids back in the college days. (he had a 22" neck!)
I worried that he would burn down the house and all my stuff. Or hunt me down and beat me. Or hunt down my son and hurt him. So I eased....ever so slowly....out of it and am happily divorced...oh AND it was so much fun...I'm a lesbian now. (ok so that wasn't really the reason but it kinda flowed...)
I'm a little cavalier in my advice as I have indulged in a couple or so Captain and Diets tonight....but truly...if you are tired of walking on eggshells...always trying to keep outside influences under control, etc to avoid loud, abusive or embarrassing scenes, then maybe you should try to ease out of your situation too....
You are not a failure because he has issues. You are not "in a situation" because you loved him and thought you could help. That's what some of us do. We are "fixers" and we think it can be better with enough hard-work and dedication.
What I came to discover after 5 years and lots of physical altercations....you can't fix crazy on your own. It take medication and therapy. And I'm just a computer programmer...not a psychiatrist!
Good luck. Stay strong. Stick to your plan even if it takes a while. You can get through this!
And just in case you have thought this and didn't want to say it out loud as it would seem you are not sympathetic to his issues...
Crazy is EXHAUSTING!!!
life is too damn short to waste with someone like that. i left my first husband at 29 and never looked back.
get the hell out. build a new life for yourself. it'll be hard at first, but it'll be the best thing you ever did.
Thank you! Yes, it IS exhausting. Its just very hard to get the courage to walk away
It's the hard part that I'm worried about. I've caved in before and I don't want to relive that again. I need to find the strength to go through with it. If things were good, I wouldn't need to do this, but I'm so miserable.
Life it too short to be miserable, and you are too young to waste any more time. 30 isn't too old to start over by any means! You deserve to be happy and comfortable. I'm sorry you are going through this, but I am confident that you will come out of it all a stronger and happier person.
Best of luck!
I would speak to a lawyer. They will be able to tell you if legal seperation is necessary and what your next step should be.
Walking on eggshells for the rest of your life, while waiting for him to get better, doesn't seem like a happy existence to me. You deserve to be happy. Good luck.
I am sure they are worried about you. And I am sure they judge you more for being in the relationship than they would judge you for getting divorced. You know, if you really care that much what people think.
Sometimes an outsiders persepective is just what we need!
I too was in an emotionally abusive & manipulative relationship (almost 5 years-part of which was high school years). I moved out of state for my first year of college (suposed to be the best years of your life right? not for me!) I was 1200miles from him and my family and he would use my family to get to me. Being from a small town everyone knows everyone's business and unfortunately I found out his terrible ways of treating my family through friends via facebook. Which really sucked. Long story short I finally found the courage to leave him (after I moved back home for him after just 2 semesters of college) because he almost killed my little sister by running her off the road. Noone believed me that he was the way he was-I even tried going to the elders of our church for help, but they just thought I was a liar and crazy.
I never thought at 21 I would be in such a sticky situation, fearing for my life to leave a guy. But I found with the support of my family I had the strength to leave him! And I am so glad I did! (I married my best friend and the most supportive man I've ever met in August-besides my dad of course!)
Noone deserves to live a miserable life. If you are unhappy anywhere enar what I was you will find the strength and courage to leave-if that's what you want to do. 30 is far from too old to start over! I know numerous people that didn't marry until they were in their 40s-my uncle being one of them (he now has 2 small children). I just ask that you keep in mind how you feel and magnify that....bringing children into a situation like that will be way worse than what you feel! I'm sure your family and friends would rather you be happy....and as said by others I'm sure there is more judgement passed for you being unhappy than for you being divorced and happy!
Best of luck to you!