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Parents' marriage of 20+ years is falling... fast!
I need a little help and it's quite lengthy.
My parents are having problems with their marriage of 20+ years. My parents are on their late 30s to early 40s.They have 3 grown kids between the ages of 18 to 26, and 3 young grandchildren. I?m the oldest child. My two siblings still live with my parents, so they witness their arguments more than I do.
It all started when my parents helped and sheltered my mom?s friend and her daughter because my mom?s friend was having problems of her own with her marriage. For argument?s sake we?ll call my mom?s friend ?Sally?. Sally is a mid-thirties mom of 4 and grandmother of 2. But she dresses, talks, and acts like a teenager. She hugely influenced my mother while she was living with my parents. Now my mother completely transformed herself to act exactly like her friend Sally. My mother is now wearing tight jeans, skimpy tops, and heels so high. Which didn?t bother me and my siblings at first. But what bothered us, was the attitude and personality that she also picked up from Sally. I can honestly say, ?That this is not the mother I know, the mother who raised me.? My father started noticing her changes and became a lot more jealous than he usually was in the past. He?s always calling my mom, checking where she?s at and what she?s doing. I can understand where he?s coming from because she transformed herself to look and act like a teenager that he?s afraid she might find another guy too. My mom says that she?s tired of my dad always being on her case and accusing that she?s cheating. Every time that he accuses her, they get into fights. My mom asked me and my siblings the most crazy question, which was ?What would you think/do if I left your dad for another man?? What are we supposed to say to that! I told her ?I don?t know? and left it at that. Not only did my mother change her appearance and personality, we feel like she also wants to change her spouse/partner. My dad is willing to talk and mend their marriage, but my mother has told me that she?s done and she?s already given up and wants nothing to do with my dad. In the past when my mom started her changing phase, my siblings and I had this feeling that she had a crush on a co-worker. She would talk about him all the time, like how funny he was and how ugly his girlfriend was. Usually, a person doesn?t judge another persons partner unless they have some sort of feelings towards them. She said that my father disgusts her and that she?s given up. She gives him dirty looks behind his back and most of the time to his face. It?s hard to be around and see this, especially when my mom pours her feelings out on us. We feel it?s mostly her fault. Sally has moved out because my brother caught her daughter dealing drugs in front of my parent?s home and my brother threatened to beat her. If my parent?s don?t fix their marriage, we as a family will end up a broken family, just like my mom?s friend Sally?s family.
The thing is, we as their children are stuck in the middle of it. We all don?t really want to be involved. But at the same time, we feel like we need to say something, especially to our mother since she?s the one who transformed herself and doesn?t want to mend things with our father. What is an easy way to for us kids to let our mother know that, she is also in the wrong.
Re: Parents' marriage of 20+ years is falling... fast!
As hard as it is to witness the decline of their marriage, and as hard as it is for your younger siblings who still live at home, you need to butt out.
And your parents SERIOUSLY need to stop venting to all of you. That is completely inappropriate and damaging to the parent/child relationship.
Tell your mom "You're my mom and I love you but I will not listen to you when you talk bad about dad or about leaving him. I am your child, not your therapist. All of us kids are allowed to have a relationship with you and dad that has nothing to do with your marriage problems. Do not drag us into these conversations."
If your dad goes down that road I would tell him the same thing.
Your mother is acting like an idiot but that is between her and her husband.
"Mom, I am not listening to this and I am not discussing with you." followed by getting up and leaving.
Repeat as necessary. Teach your siblings to do the same.
This is bullshiit and borders on emotional abuse.
You and your siblings don't get to divorce your parents and still have to try to maintain a relationship with each of them once the dust settles. Your younger siblings (and probably you) are going to need some major counseling.
I really hate parents sometimes.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Wondering this, too. Unless I missed something... : /
And that's the latest of thirties.
So which parent was thirteen or younger when you were born?
I agree this doesn't make any sense. I didn't read any further.
This was my question too, and honestly probably explains a lot of mom's behavior. If she settled down and had children very young, then she may feel that she never got to have a childhood or explore options besides your dad. I'm not saying what she is doing is right. Even if she is having issues with your dad, they should NOT be putting you in the middle like that.
As easy and convenient it is to not be involved, I don't agree with it at all which is what lead me to post.
Your parent - child relationship has changed with your mom because you are no longer the child, your mom has become the child. Instead of saying "I don't know" to her, tell her she has become influenced by her friend and her behaviour is hurting everyone in the family. She is more likely to hear you than her husband because she feels like he is against her. You are not against her, you want the best for the whole family - her included.
It has been shown that divorce is contagious and as the oldest child in the family - you should step up and talk to your mom. You owe it to your entire family - staying quiet is the worst thing you can do.
Take it from someone who very recently went through the same thing with her own parents. Stay as far out of it as you can. Dont dish out any advice unless you are asked. I was really close with my parents until everything went down. I got into a ridiculous fight with my mom about it and I dont think our relationship is the same anymore.
Stay out of their marriage.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I know it sucks. PM me if you need someone to vent to. It helped me greatly to get it all out.
How do you know (and how does her daughter know) that staying with her husband is what's best? If OP is correct and her parents really are in their late 30s / early 40s, they had kids and got married ENTIRELY too young. It is not surprising that the mom is now realizing that she missed out on a hell of a lot of stuff (although she's probably not handling it in the best way.)
And lololol at divorce is contagious. These studies show that although it's true that children of divorced parents are more likely to get divorced themselves this is most likely true due to the fact that they are also more likely to marry young, which is really the root of the problem.
My parents getting divorced (and H's parents getting divorced) were the best things that could have happened to not just them, but to us as well. Although it certainly sucked at the time, we are both out of our heads happy that they got divorced.
It's not easy to see your parents struggling, but parents do not owe it to their children to be miserable in their marriage. They don't, however, need to be dragging their kids into it.
OP - I think Monterey said it very well. You are her kid, not her friend or her therapist. I'm sorry your family is going through this.
Honestly, I stopped reading when I got to the ages and just skimmed.
Just stay out of it. If your parents complain to you, tell them that you won't listen to them. Don't respond to them when they talk about it. If you're on the phone tell them if they're going to talk about it then you can't talk to them anymore. They'll either get the point or keep doing it, so just keep refusing to talk about it.
71 workouts completed in 2012
Colour me confused too. I am in my early 40s and trying to imagine myself with a 26 year old and grandkids. If the ages are accurate, then I think mom is well due for a mid-life crisis or whatever else you want to call it. She would have had no childhood/young adulthood herself.
Emotional abuse? C'mon. At 26 you can fend for yourself.
If the OP is reporting accurately then the only course of action is to stop any conversation regarding her marriage that the mom tries to draw you into. Period. She's an adult. You're an adult. These things happen.
Who are these people in their late 30s with grown kids and grandkids? GRANDKIDS, FFS! That's 3 generations of big mistakes.
Good grief!
Signed,
Late 30s Lady
I got hung up on this and couldn't get much farther. But really, it is their marriage and they need to work it out. If she keeps trying to vent to you flat out tell her you will hang up the second she starts on that, and follow through.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. My Blog
I also don't understand how people in their late 30s have been married for 20+ years. How does that happen? Math is fun!
so, nobody is in their 30's then.