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Ugh.... me again...
So... (yes, for my like 8th billionth post on this topic).
What do you do when you absolutely love your husband on a level of care and concern. You hope the best for him, you wish him success, you worry about him failing. He feels the same way about you.
But the sex (in any way, shape and form) is repulsive to you. Sex makes me cry. When I'm blowing him, I just can't wait for it to be over. I don't even like kissing. A caring and loving kiss on the forehead before work is about the best we muster. I'm even uncomfortable when a sex scene comes on during a movie and we are in the room together! I know it is because we have drifted so far apart emotionally, I can't connect sexually. I'm not sure we ever have. He seems okay with the sex. And yes.... begin the flame war. In 6 years of sexual activity, he has never given me an orgasm. After awhile of trying, I just never bothered anymore.
About a year ago, I started an affair. Ugh. I hate myself for it. My husband knows about it and has forgiven me. We have both tried to move on, but I can't tear myself away from this other person. This other person has given me plently of orgasms (my only ones with a guy. I was a virgin prior to marriage...so have only been with these two guys).
I know what I need to do. My husband and I have talked about divorce plenty of times. He is holding out hope, even though we have done and quit marriage therapy. I just can't pull up my big girl panties and tell him I want to be with the other person.
The potential of hurting him is killing me. But I'm hurting us both every day. I try to bring up divorce every now and again.... he gets sad and upset. My care and concern for him as a friend for 11 years always gets the best of me and makes me back down.
I keep weighing things back and forth. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to up and leave him. I don't want to crush him. But, at the end of the day, I just keep coming back to two things. 1. I can't leave the affair person go in my mind. 2. The sex makes me cringe.
This has to point to a failure. Why can't I just say it and start to move on?
Advise appreciated.
Re: Ugh.... me again...
If you seriously think you could work it out. Try getting a counselor. You two will have to work on sex together too. Did you even sit down and talk to him about both your likes and dislikes and then experiment in bed together?
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To be honest, I think you should just file for divorce. You don't want to be with your DH, you don't want to have sex or even have any kind of intimacy with him. You don't even say that you love him, just that you care for him. He deserves someone who loves him (so do you) and if you are not that person anymore and you don't want to try to go back to marriage counseling and individual counseling as well, then its time to put on the big girl panties and file. Even after you do file, individual counseling for yourself is probably a good idea. Good luck
I know divorce is where we are headed. Or, the other option is that we stay together and both bump along in some sort of mediocre marriage. We did do marriage therapy, but he wanted to stop it. We did. I do individual therapy, and I've only talked about this for the last thousand sessions.
I try to tell him how I feel, while being as least hurtful as possible. I've been honest about the affair and told him I still have feelings for the other person. I've told him I feel like we've been growing apart. I've told him I'm uncomfortable with the sex and maybe we can try some different things (more hugging, touching, etc.). I've even told him I've been a terrible person and he deserves to be with someone who shares interests and feelings with him.
He just keeps forgiving me, telling me he wants to think about it for awhile, gets sad, etc. I rip off the bandaid of honesty and then we just keep putting it back on again. I do love him as a person. I want to stop kicking him in the teeth.
I do muster up the courage and try to be calm and talk to him about my feelings. He feels attacked and starts to get worried and upset. Then I cave all over again and try to comfort him and make it okay again.
I guess I don't know how to tell the truth and then walk away. I still want to be there to pick up the pieces. This is where I get lost.
It's going to hurt, but honestly you are going to have to rip off the bandaid. Like all the pp's say, it is not fair to your DH. You both will be better off even though it may take time for his heart to heal...
Don't prolong the agony --- file and go. do what's right for the both of you.
Thank you for all of the advise.
My husband and I had a long talk last night. I opened up a lot about how I am feeling about our relationship, my feelings about the other person, etc. I told him I didn't want to hurt him by what I said, but I feel like I'm just constantly hurting us both by living the way I am. I don't have anything left but to be honest. He also has his own opinions on how I've changed over the last few months, and that I'm not the same person he fell in love with.
He was hurt, of course. So am I. But it seems we've come up with a plan. We are going to stick it out for a month or two. We have a big event coming up at the end of June we both want to be a part of as a couple. I told him I could not promise not thinking about the other person, but I could cut off communication to clear my head.
If we still feel the same way at that point, we are going to part ways at nicely as possible. I just started a new job and he wants to support me in that transition. I want to make sure that he is secure financially as well - give him time to find an apartment, split assets equally, etc. Although we have grown apart, we both care for each other in that capacity. No one wants to see the other fail.
At that point, it seems we both want to have a friendly relationship with one another. Something that may or may not be possible, but we have both expressed interest in doing so. Neither one of us want to cut off ties and end up as mortal enemies.
I guess that went as well as it could.