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If you have kids and are dating... a question
Let me preface this by saying that I have no intention whatsoever of exposing DS to my dating life in any way. I only go out when he is with his dad so he has no clue about any of it. It's going to stay that way until I have a long term and serious relationship.
This question has come up with a friend of mine and it has made me wonder...She introduced her serious boyfriend to her kids after about 6-8 months. They were planning on getting married. He had no experience with children but had no problem with it... until they met. He left because he realized that being with a mother of young kids wasn't right for him. She is obviously crushed and has decided not to date anyone without kids from now on.
If you have kids would you date someone with no experience with kids?
Re: If you have kids and are dating... a question
I can see where she's coming from. Having kids is very different than the idea of kids. I wouldn't want to get serious with someone just to find out that DS is a deal breaker because DS will always come first and I'd be hurt. So what do you do?
I'm really glad I'm only very casually dating! That situation would just plain suck.
Ugh, this is the double edged sword. You never want to introduce children too soon, however, sometimes you never know how someone will be around children until they are actually there.
You can tell a guy until you are blue in the face about waking up every hour on the hour to wipe a runny nose and force feed children's Ibuprofen, or explain how you will never, ever get to go to the bathroom in private again. But sometimes until someone actually experiences it, they just won't get it.
I wonder if there was a way she could have had the bf around the kids in a group setting so they wouldn't really know who he was, but he could get a feel of them? I love DS, but frankly, kids can be annoying sometimes and I'd want to make sure someone was prepared for it all.
I have dated people with no experience with children before and sometimes it can be fine, and other times it's not. Usually you can tell by how interested someone seems in your child ie: asking questions about them, seeming to be interested when you talk about them, to gage whether or not they'll actually be into kids. IMO someone doesn't have any business dating a single mom if they cannot handle the whole package. There are plenty of people who don't have kids to date if someone can foresee it being an issue. They need to be honest.
This. In my short dating experience I found I could tell from the way a man reacted to my schedule. I am not free often, usually one night a week and that is not even a sure thing! DD might get sick or the sitter might cancel. Once a week is cool at first, but after some time passes and I am not available for spur of the moment dates or can't go too late, or to most mid week events... well it sinks in what it is like to have a child.
Because I put my DD's needs first and can't jump at every invite a guy has a better idea how a schedule with a child works. This is not a guarentee by any means, but it did weed out a couple guys before my last serious BF.
I think you can tell by the way the person asks you about the kid most of the time. For example, I went on a date with one guy who asked a lot of questions about being in labor as opposed to my kid. I knew he wasn't going to be good with kids. I dated another who asked a lot of questions about how "hard" having a kid must be. While I appreciated that he was open to learning about my life as a mom, every question made it seem like a chore. I dated another who had a sister who was a single mom. I felt like he would get it, but he just wasn't a good fit for me in other ways. None of those men had children of their own. None of them met ds.
The only person I dated that met ds is my bf (soon to be fi -- we are working with the jeweler now!), and he doesn't have kids. He volunteers with a boy scout troop and takes them on overnight trips. While the parents are there and his scouts are a bit older than ds, he does understand that you don't always sleep and your kid will always take priority. His best friend was a single dad, so he knows how hard that can be from him -- he didn't need to ask me about how hard it was. He would ask me about ds' interests and how he was doing at school and that kind of thing. When he knew I was up all night with a sick ds, he'd ask how he could make my life easier. And this was all before he met ds.
Once I knew he was good with the idea of a kid being around, I got nervous about his family's reaction to my ds. Which also turned out to be just fine. They now invite ds to family dinners and such. I think you not only have to assess if the person you are dating is ok with your whole package, but also if they are close to their family, how their family will treat your kid.
It's hard, but I found taking about ds and seeing reactions and what things the man asks about was a good tell tale sign.
And a man with kids can have the same reaction as the one your friend dated who bailed. I have a friend who is a single mom and dated a single dad. After a year, and after their kids met, he decided dating another single parent was too hard to juggle and he bailed.
All this kids talk makes me realize how i had no idea what I was getting into with XH. I woke up at his house- 19, hung over, and dressed in his giant t shirt - and walked into the living room to see his 3 year old watching spongebob. He introduced me as his friend, and didnt even ask me to get dressed or hint to go home... I figured that out my pretty little self...
I don't know if the boy's mother knew this was going on, but I know how XH is now and it makes me sick to think that, yeah, he's probably still pulling the same sht. Daddy's got a lot of "friends".
Your life is about making the best life for him....