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My 20 mo. old is a bully. Need advice.
Punkin goes to a sitter who watches 3 other kids: a boy and a girl about P's age and another girl 1 yr. older. The problem is with the other boy, "K".
P has been coming home almost every day lately with scratches on his face. The sitter has told us before that P and K have hit one another because of jealousy over toys or her attention. Well, I just learned today that P is always the instigator. Like, he is always the one who hits, pinches or head-butts K first.
Confession: I'm embarrassed to say P hits, pinches and head butts H and I at home. It's when he gets mad or frustrated but that's no excuse. H and I have tried the following with zero results: 1) Saying "No ___!(biting, pinching, hitting)" and sitting him on the floor and walking away for 5 min. 2) Calmly saying "No ___ (biting, pinching, hitting), be gentle." 3) spanking his diapered bottom and saying "No!" 4) ignoring and redirecting.
I'm sorry this is so long but I'm pretty upset. Can you suggest any discipline tactics at this age? Is there a particularly helpful book I should be reading?
Re: My 20 mo. old is a bully. Need advice.
How long did you try the other methods before moving to something else?
usually kids in a group are on a feedback loop during toddlerhood. my friend's kid is at the same daycare as mine, in a different toddler room. her room is in a biting brouhaha, my room is all about shoving.
so first, that your kid hits first A) might not be true in the kid's mind; and
doesn't mean much.
second, you need to pick one thing and work it, and get your provider to do the same thing. ONE. i found a pause, a calm "no" while looking directly into her eyes, and a redirect worked best when L was in her biting phase (which was short). after two warnings, she also would get a time out. one minute per year of age.
toddler 411 and 1-2-3 magic (holla, cjoy!) worked best for me. and time. he'll move on if you make clear that this isn't acceptable behavior. hell, i consider it a success that L only shoves me once a day now, instead of EVERY WAKING MOMENT.
I second everything that cville said.
DD was the biter. We just kept telling her no very sternly and down at her level, time out for 1 minute (or 2 depending on how old she was) when necessary. Pick one method and stick to it. If the providers know what is instigating it, hopefully they can intervene before it happens and difuse the situation. DD's DCP knew that if someone took a toy from her, she would bite. So they watched for it.
The spanking was only once, I'll admit, because I felt bad hitting him. We've been using the calm No biting/hitting , be gentle thing the most. The others maybe 1 time out of every 5 that it happens.
How old was L at this time? Is 20 month old enough for a time out?
try a time out. pedi told me at 18 months that it was ok to start it. Just do 1 minute. you will have to take him and put him back repeatedly during the one minute, but be consistent and just keep putting him back. at that age, give a warning and tell him hitting isn't nice and if he hits again he will go to time out. he hits, directly to time out and set the timer. he will cry, it will suck for both of you.
My son was kicking us for a while, mainly on the changing table. He wouldn't listen to a stern "no", and would be so worked up he wouldn't listen to anything, and just kept kicking. What finally worked for us, was warning him I would take away a favorite toy. This was right before nap, so I warned him that if he kept kicking, I'd take away the toy he sleeps with. He of course kept kicking, so away went the toy. I put him down for a nap, and he cried and cried for his toy. I waited about 2 minutes tops, went back in with the toy and explained again why it was taken away, and that we don't kick.
The next day, he started kicking again, and all I had to do was ask him what happens if he kicks. He remembered that I took his toy, and stopped kicking.
So, long story short, time outs for him didn't work, but a time out for the toy did.
I wouldn't use the PNP for time outs unless you don't plan on using it for any other purpose again. The negative association could follow it around.
We use these books at school. When our kids go through phases we take out these books. http://www.amazon.com/Hands-Hitting-Behavior-Series-ebook/dp/B0078XGS1M/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1335992609&sr=8-1
The series has Hands Are Not For Hitting, Feet Are Not For Kicking, Teeth Are Not For Biting, Words Are Not For Hurting, and apparently Tails Are Not For Pulling.
My kids are, right now the youngest is 1 today and the oldest turned 3 last weekend.
1. Be consistent - nothing will work until you follow this rule. That means finding out what the sitter is willing to do and making sure that she, dh, you and anyone else who cares for him are on board.
2. His behavior is often typical especially if he feels he isn't being heard, is not able to vocalize well - you all need to make sure you are speaking with him on his level and not just at him.
3. Hot button issue but from a logical pov - hitting him because he hit you is exactly the behavior he is already exhibiting with his peer - so you're only reinforcing that when one is mad or doesnt like something you just hit in response.
4. I'm amazed that you are successful in giving a five min time out to a 20 month old. And it would be no surprise that after those 5 minutes he completely forgot what led to the time out. 1min per year.
Firm voice (not yelling) and face to face - "we do not hit. Hitting is bad and makes mommy sad. Time out. "
Place him in an area that removes him from your line of sight including tv and toys. After the minute is up, on his level "mommy put you in time out because you hit. Hitting is not nice and makes mommy sad. Please say sorry" - accept apology and carry on life.
This works perfect for us - doesn't mean he won't ever hit or misbehave but he knows there are consistent consequences.
Good luck!
My DD would resort to hitting at around that age. We focused more on feelings. "A, when you hit R it makes him sad and cry. If R hit you, you would be sad and cry too. If you feel mad (or insert emotion), try XYZ instead" Our DC provider worked with us and followed our lead so what was done at home was the same as at DC. She got it and started to hit less. We also added in a ton of positive praise for every time she handled herself without hitting. Within a month we saw a difference. Don't let your DS's age deter to you from trying this, our children understand more than we often give them credit for.
ETA: I am not a fan of time outs. He is acting developmentally appropriately and just needs to learn other ways of dealing with his emotions. It's hard to be a toddler when what you are trying to say is often misheard and misunderstood by those around you.