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I'm new here. How to prepare young children for divorce?
I'm pretty sure a divorce will be in my future. That's even hard to type out but I think too much damage has been done without enough benefit. I'm willing to try counciling etc... but I'm being realistic. Someday I'll type out the whole story, but today I'm just too numb. Suffice to say, my trust in my H is nill. He's never physically cheated on me, but he's done more than enough to demolish my trust in him. We have to young children who are 4 and 6 1/2. They ADORE their Daddy and the feeling is mutual. He is a good dad. Just a really crappy spouse (I've got my own flaws too).
We've talked about how scared we both are of screwing up our kids. His parents relationship did a NUMBER on him and we don't want to repeat that mistake. I'm looking for any advice on books to read, resources to use and other ways to make this as painless as possible for the kids. Right now he and I are on the same page as far as they go and it doens't seem like he'll fight me on the divorce if I move forward.
But.... all I can do know is think of them and what I can do to make this easier for them as we try therapy and all that. Any stories of things that worked and things that didn't are appreciated.
If we decide to separate for a bit instead of just sleeping in different rooms, how do I explain that? Ugh.
Thanks for listening. I don't have anyone nearby to talk to. My two best friends are both on the other side of the country and nyt fanily is 5 hours away (and dealing with my grandmother's terminal illness)
Re: I'm new here. How to prepare young children for divorce?
Hello and welcome. I don't have kids, but I'll answer until the moms on the board have time to! These are some of the suggestions that are often mentioned:
You mentioned therapy--are you guys trying marriage counseling? If so, and if you do decide to move forward with the divorce, keep up the therapy together, but focus it on how to effectively co-parent. If you're not doing therapy, I highly suggest it to help you guys learn how to co-parent together.
Reassure your kids that it's not their fault, and that mommy and daddy still love them very, very, very much and will never stop loving them. I can't stress that enough.
Resist the urge to bad-mouth each other in front of the kids. They pick up on these things.
Therapy for the kids might not be a bad idea, either, particularly if they have a lot of trouble adjusting to the change.
I'm sure some of the moms (and the dad!) on the board will have some more advice on prepping them for it--how to explain that they will be spending some time living with daddy and some time living with mommy, that they will have a room at daddy's house and a room at mommy's house, etc.
I have some books we read about divorce:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1591473098/ref=ox_ya_os_product
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0763619841/ref=ox_ya_os_product
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0807552224/ref=ox_ya_os_product
And a few of these about feelings:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0807588970/ref=ox_ya_os_product
Also have when I feel sad, etc.
I think the books help. I didn't give them much info (mine are 3.5 and 5 now and it's been 1.5 years since the split). Basically mommy is moving to be near mom-mom and daddy is staying at his new house so he can be close to his work. I'll answer questions if they ask, but I don't offer up extensive information. I would NEVER say 'we don't love each other anymore, but we still love you'.... I don't want to put into their heads that someone can just stop loving you abruptly.
Also we are long distance from him, so I call him every night when they are in bed and they talk. I have to guide the conversation (tell daddy where we went after school, etc.) but it gets them going, then they sing or tell silly knock knock jokes. And I will text him photos if we are doing something cool like going to a carnival. It keeps him in the loop in their lives. It wasn't easy at first, I was also cheated on and he lives with 'her' now, but it's not about us, it's about the girls and their relationship with him.
I also used to see a counselor so I took my oldest in for a child play session and had my counselor talk to her and also observe us interacting and she felt I was doing everything just as I should. Lastly, in the first several months of transition I felt like especially for my oldest she needed extra one on one time. So I would schedule 'dates' for us. Sometimes we'd go to Panera, sometimes just do a craft while the younger one was napping. I think that really helped her.
DD2 11.17.08
I can't thank you all enough for your kinds words and advice. I'm learning that I never really knew my H at all. And he doesn't know himself either. He's got an insane amount of deamons that he needs to deal with. I will not be surprised if we discover some sort of mental illenss or even past abuse. It's awful.
I am willing to help him, but I don't think I am willing to look past how he betrayed me and stay in this marriage. I'm scared for him more so than myself today. He is devistated by the fact that he destroyed our family
If I may suggest another book, based on your response here, it would be "Codependent No More". It sounds like he has hurt you a great deal and betrayed your trust and yet YOU are feeling guilty and sorry for HIM. He's a big boy, he's going to have to figure out his own way. He's not your responsibility. He chose the action, therefore he's choosing the consequence, which is destroying his family.
It's interesting how that happens when you are with someone who is a manipulator. I have a few other books that I would recommend for your scenario (from what you've said it sounds like he displays these characteristics).
When I separated from XH I read: "He's Just No Good for You: Your Guide to Getting Out of a Destructive Relationship". I also read "The Manipulative Man". Another one that is good for dealing with manipulators in general is "Who's Pulling YOUR Strings? Breaking the Cycle of Manipulation".
All of what you are saying sounds familiar. I found text messages that were of a sexual nature between XH and another woman. I was FURIOUS. I demanded that he get out of the house but he wanted to talk about it first. By the time he was done talking I had begun apologizing to HIM because I was so obviously at fault. At eight months pregnant I had not given him the emotional support HE needed and not believed in him enough, so the only thing he could do was to turn to a good "friend" for a shoulder to cry on.
Sound familiar?
To this day, he will still say that I chose to end the marriage, even though he lied, cheated, used drugs, and had another life, essentially. These men are very similar and stories like mine are commonplace. Many women on this board have been through similar things. That's why individual counseling is SO important. It helps to get you out of that "fog" of manipulation so you can see the real truth.
Oh and PM me if you want the link to my blog. I talk about all of this.