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I love my husband but...
I need some advice. I love my husband very much. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to have children with him. We get along. we hardly ever fight and our marriage is great! We have been married almost 2 years and been together almost 5.
However, sometimes I find myself getting really anxious about never being with another man. I wonder what it would be like to have an affair. This frustrates and scares me to no end. I dont know why I have these thoughts. They happen on the most random of occasions.
The thing that spurred these thoughts this time is this: I am in an Acting class at my college. The scene I am performing is with another man. We have two very passionate kisses in this scene and we have to perform it multiple times. I think I look forward to and enjoy our rehearsal time more than I should.
I need help. Why do I have these thoughts and why can't I stop thinking these things? I don't know what to do. Ay advice would be helpful. Does anyone else have these thoughts or am I just a horrible wife?
Re: I love my husband but...
I wish that I had some really good advice for you but I don't. I simply have never had those feelings or desires since being with my husband. Sure I felt that way with guys I dated but that's just it- those were relationships that didn't work out. Something wasn't working in those relationships; something was missing/off.
You should spend some serious time looking at those feelings and thinking about where they come from. They are originating from somewhere and if I may make an interpretation I would guess you are too afraid about what the answer really is and what your feelings really mean and therefore haven't truly examined why you are having these thoughts.
Is it the kissing you are looking forward to or spending time with the guy?
I think there is a big difference in the two. The scene you are doing is probably passionate and romantic. And let's face it, things cool off after you have been with a partner for a while. The fire doesn't go away, but it does change. It is part of the swap that you make.
But that doesn't mean that your desire for the excitement of romance goes away. There is something compelling about being *wanted* and desired. The reason that people in monogamous relationships choose to resist those urges is that the benefits of a loving stable partner outweigh the excitement and uncertainty of the fresh and new.
In your post, you didn't talk about how much you wanted to kiss *this* guy or how much you desired him, just how nervous you were about enjoying the scenes. In my mind, that is safe territory. You are enjoying the moment -- the feelings of fresh lust - that the scene is meant to evoke without the risk of actually wanting this guy.
You are a human being. Your wedding ring is not the off switch to your romantic soul. We will all still look and maybe even day dream a little, but as long as we do not touch, I think we are all in safe territory.
As an actor, I completely understand what you're going thru. You're supposed to be living in the scene, creating these feelings for another man as if your husband doesn't exist, as if you were single (unless the scene is about an affair, but still). Sometimes it's hard to turn off those feelings of passion even after the scene is over. Especially if you're in a class, seeing as how you're probably encouraged to take your scene home and work on it.
I remember I was hired as a married mistress on a TV show. My costar was gay, but I still remember having residual feelings of lust for him even after we were done, because I was so invested in the role. This is natural and it fades.
What worries me is that you mention your feelings of curiosity about having an affair and that it scares you to think that you'll never be with another man again. This is cause for concern, in my opinion. I would suggest individual counseling. If acting is your career choice then I highly recommend finding a therapist that specializes in actors.
Thank you! To answer your question, no, it is not this particular guy I am looking forward to spending my time with but in your words, the fresh lust this scene evokes, in myself. I am afraid of the things I feel in this scene.
I fear I have o transposed my feelings for my husband, of when we first met and started our relationship, onto my scene partner. I enjoy the feeling of a new fiery romance, that I just don't have with my husband anymore,
My issue is that I do believe it is okay to daydream if you don't touch but in order to pass my class, I have to touch. I just don't know how to seperate out my true feelings because of this. Do you think this is still safe territory?
I really do appreciate the responses to my dilemma, DaringMiss you especially. Thank you.
I would never actually have an affair. I have been cheated on before and it is not good feeling. I guess affair would be the wrong word, I suppose relationship would be better, I wonder what having a relationship with some else would be like at this time in my life, if I were not married. Do you know what I mean?
NBree, Yes, we are required to work outside of class. I am so glad you understand what I am going through. I have never acted before, my degree requires the one class, I am actually going to school for stage management. But it releives me to know that the feelings I am having will fade once the scene is over.
I need help. Why do I have these thoughts and why can't I stop thinking these things? I don't know what to do
That is exactly what therapy does, it gets you to figure out why you keep having these thoughts. There is a reason and until you figure it out it will not get better.
Seems like you have a very negative attitude toward therapy. Obviously you havent figured out how to solve the issue on your own.
But since you think you'll get better advice to your issue on a message board go for it.
The feelings will most likely fade, yes. It is hard not to wonder what it would be like when you're thrust into situations (like acting scenes) where you need to believe that you have feelings and passion for another man. Especially if acting isn't something you normally do.
The best advice I can give is use everything that you're feeling right now (the uncertainty, the frustration, the curiosity) for your scene. Finding a way to do that will help create a three dimensional character with a rich storyline and will lend itself to obstacle work.
If the feelings persist tho, I definitely recommend counseling. It's entirely possible that working with another man in this way may have woken up some fears about your relationship that you weren't aware that you had. And it is best to work thru those fears and feelings with a therapist for a healthy relationship.
If you are truly concerned about the excitement/lust/sensations that you are experiencing on set then I would talk to a therapist. It doesn't make you any less of a person or crazy to want a trained professional to hear your concerns.
I am a little bit confused though-- if you don't think that you would cheat, then what exactly are you afraid of? Is it that this trout-slapped you with the reality that your husband is not as romantic/passionate with you anymore? I could see how that might be unsettling.
Are your needs being met by your husband? It doesn't really sound like it & so via acting you've become aware that there is something missing in your marriage. A good therapist can help you pinpoint & clarify your feelings.
The next step would be to talk to your husband & maybe get a tune-up at a couple's retreat. Take some time to reconnect & put the spark back in. Hopefully your husband hears you out & realizes that you need something you are not getting currently.
On the marrying young thing: are you wondering if you've "missed out" on other exciting experiences with other men because you married young? It's not uncommon & not a crime to wonder. It all depends on how much it affects your happiness level in your marriage. If it is going to keep bothering you then it's time for that tune-up.
To answer your question: I have felt lustful thoughts towards others. I am married, not dead. However, I make the distinction between thinking someone is hot & I want to bone them vs. have an emotional investment to have a relationship with them. I don't have those feelings. The only person I want a true relationship with emotional involvement with is my husband. I wouldn't even actually bone someone else. It doesn't mean I can't find someone attractive.
Are your feelings chemical (lustful & related to the physical sensations you are feeling on stage) or deeper emotional longing?
I hate to say it but anytime some says "I love my H but..." there is always something else going on. So, what else is going on?
Is your H, affectionate and intimate with you? I don't mean sexually, but perhaps there's something in this scene that you are lacking with your H?
What play is it from?
Yeah, that's pretty young! You asked if it was normal so I will reference my personal experience. I met my now DH when I was 18, we dated for 6 years and got married when we were 25 and have been married for two years. While I dated and had relationships before I met DH none of them were adult relationships with the level of true commitment or compatibility I have with him. I fully acknowledge in retrospect that my other relationships were immature compared to dating relationships people have in their twenties or thirties. I am also well aware that a lot of people who meet and marry at the ages we did do have feelings of what if and often other problems related to lack of adult dating experience, etc. I think being aware of those potential issues and acknowledging them allows us to have a more successful relationship. We have both met other people we have been attracted to, but we also both consciously limit that type of contact. I don't daydream about being with other people. I do wonder in an intellectual sort of way what my life would be like if I had wound up with someone else, but not in any serious way about any specific people.
You come across as very defensive in your post and your replies. The only reply you seem to like or identify with is the person who is telling you, hey this is part of the professional gig and normal, that you don't need to do anything. The fact that you do seem to acknowledge that this is a problem means that the answer isn't "do nothing". That is what you're doing and its not working. Mag's answer to seek therapy, even if the therapist tells you you are very emotionally healthy and the best person ever, is good advice. Right now you are obviously looking at this from only one perspective and that perspective is incredibly defensive. Trying to get to the bottom of these feelings and realize where they come from should be a good thing, ignoring them could cause irreparable problems in your marriage.
Hmmm, I'm gonna go against the grain here. I don't think it's abnormal or even uncommon to think about other sexual experiences in broad terms. I don't think it's odd to have sexual thoughts about someone else either. I think most people do this. See hot guy, drool for a minute, move on.
It's what you do with those thoughts or where they turn to that can be the issue.
I mean just because I think to myself, hmmm, I wonder what it would be like to visit Paris doesn't mean I'm about to change my citizenship. But once I start spending all my time considering what bags I'm going to pack, looking up airfare, and checking the weather, there's a good bet I'm planning to visit, kwim?
Click me, click me!
I couldn't have said it better.
I think it's normal to appreciate when someone is attractive. It's ok to acknowledge that you have some physical draw towards that person.
It's not ok to act on it. It's not ok to not feel that way about your spouse, and it's not ok when the thoughts of finding someone else interfere with your relationship. An occassional, "He's cute" or "I'd do him" isn't going to break your marriage.
I think you need to ask yourself how much time you spend thinking about pursuing a relationship with someone else, even one that is purely physical. And you do need to talk to a therapist. If you're worried about what you're thinking/feeling they're the right person to talk to, not us.
To be fair, I wasn't saying do nothing. But as a professional actor, I do stand by my original opinion. That yes, when you are spending literally hours convincing your mind and body that you are in love/in lust with another man, that those feelings can definitely develop. Which is why I said that if after the scene is over with, and if she still has those feelings then she should definitely look into counseling.
All of this!
I don't mean to make light of your issue but I had to LOL @ this response.