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DH planning vacations for us without including me
DH and I are typically quite happy together, we pretty much always work as a team and consult each other on any big decisions that affect the other.
I was therefore taken off guard when a couple of months ago he told me he applied to go to a week-long writer's conference this summer. He just went to another one 2 years ago. I have been working hard and was really looking forward to taking a nice week-long vacation together. He said maybe we could do a shorter vacation. That made me really sad, especially when he indicated he was thinking about only a 3-day weekend.
He later came back and said that maybe I could go to the conference with him, which didn't really interest me since he would be at the conference all day, and there were no "spouses activity" type events where I would have other people to do stuff with. Normally I am independent, but the venue is in Aspen, CO, and I wouldn't feel safe doing the things I enjoy, like hiking and white water rafting by myself. He said he would only be at the conference in the morning, and that we could do things together in the afternoon and evenings.
I have the ability to work remotely, and have determined that if I go with him to the writer's conference, that I would work during the time he is at the conference. And my boss would really like for me to do so since we will be really busy at that time. It is nice of her to even agree to give me time off to go, since she is going to be on vacation herself that week. (Which is another reason why I am reallly upset he didn't consult me on this...normally we make sure we can both get the time off work before we plan anything).
We just found out yesterday that he was accepted to the writer's conference. It is tough to get in, and that is cool for him. But I also want to point out that writing is a hobby for him, he already has a real job as a lawyer. We are looking at accomodations, and everything that looks nice is really expensive. It all just makes me mad. I will have to work so this won't be a vacation for me, it's not a place I would choose to spend much time in since it is so expensive (and besides hotels, I'm told everything else there is expensive too), it's not at a time when I really want to take vacation (I wanted to go later in the summer), and it just makes me mad that I had no real say in the matter.
He also planned a trip for us to visit his family in the fall. I knew we were going there for a football game, but as it turns out, he booked for us to go for almost a week. Had he consulted me, I probably wanted to go for less time.
I know that I have to talk to him about all of this. The hard thing is that when I am upset, I have poor communication skills. I can never find the right words to express my feelings without sounding snarky. Can any of you help me find the right words?
I also would like to know what other people think about the vacation thing. Some folks have said to just plan a vacation with girlfriends whenever I want and leave him out of the planning. However, many of my friends have kids and just wouldn't be able to go away. I don't know what to do. Any words of comfort would be most welcome.
Re: DH planning vacations for us without including me
He needs to stop thinking like he's a bachelor, which you obviously know. In a vacuum, I don't see that wanting to go on the writer's retreat is terrible, but you'd need to be on the same page with it. It would probably be a good idea if you planned a separate trip for yourself, even at a different time, now that that ship has sailed.
Moving forward, you need to have a come to jesus sit down with him about how you need to discuss ALL travel plans from here on out. Yes, even if it's just him going. Yes, if it's to visit family. And yes, ESPECIALLY if he doesn't want to because he thinks you'll veto.
Yeah, i'd be pissed about this. Even as kids we were consulted when it came to vacations, for the most part.
Obviously, we don't know your husband but i'd like to assume he had the best of intentions when planning all this, eventhough he wasn't very considerate of your schedule. Unless he's got a history of being controlling, then that's a whole other issue.
I'd just have a talk with him explaining to him that you'd appreciate being consulted in planning stuff for the two of you, in future. And let him know that his current plans of the conference and trip to his family just aren't suitable. And suggest some alternate ideas.
Plan your own vacation for the week he is gone.
In the fall go with him to the football game and only spend a few days there. Leave and spend it where you'd want it.
I'd also tell him next time he plans a vacation without consulting me he should also plan on where he will be living.
I think this is beyond rude@ He wasnt thinking about you at all whn he booked the writing thing, it was all about him! Same for his hometown visit. When did he get the idea that this was OK?
If you do not stop this now and very clearly state that this is 100% not acceptable, he wont stop.
He only gets 2 weeks of a year?
The writers thing doesn't bother me as much. While a hobby, this is more than a vacation that he "planned" for the two of you. And it's something he has to be admitted into, so it sounds like it's a big deal.
That one- I'd be totally supportive of.
But the family trip? Yeah, I'd be pissed. Especially if the combination of these two trips uses up most or all of his vacation time.
I'm w/ mags - the fall trip, go home when YOU want to go home. That will send a message to him. And you do need to tell him that in the future, this is unacceptable - planning all HIS vacation time w/o consulting you at all and seeing what you'd like to do.
As said, he's not a bachelor. He doesn't get to just blindly make these arrangements w/o giving you a say.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If you are having issues communicating with your spouse, maybe a third party would help. Counseling could help in this situation and any situations that may arise in the future.
I think the PP all had good suggestions about how to handle the current situation.
I don't think the writer's conference is a big deal. I go to conferences all the time and just give DH the dates, I don't ask permission if I can go. Same for him. I actually find it kind of offensive that you say he has a "real" job and this is only a hobby. That comes across as extremely denigrating and would bother me a lot if I was your husband. I assume he doesn't go to these conferences purely for fun, he's learning a skill that is important to him in some way. DH goes to expensive week long conferences and competitions once a year for something that isn't necessarily advancing him in his current job at this current moment but that could open doors for him in the future. And its important to him.
The week long family vacation would bother me. When you told him you were upset about it, what did he say?
When you say you're bad at expressing your feelings, how do you approach these conversations with him? There are lots of ways to say it that aren't attacks....it makes me feel like you don't value my opinion when you plan our vacations without me, I look forward to my vacation time and want to be able to spend some of it just enjoying your company but these things aren't really relaxing to me, etc. Why does he say he plans without you? Does he think you won't mind, does he think he is planning nice trips you will enjoy, what? That would make a difference to me.
In the end he doesn't need to understand WHY this bothers you, although that would be nice, he just needs to stop doing it because its hurtful to you.
I'm sorry this happened. I'd be pissed too! My H only gets two weeks of vacation a year. I agree with the advice of pp.
GL in your talk with him.
A writer's conference isn't a vacation and I wouldn't think to call it one or plan for my spouse to attend with me. I'm hoping to go to a sewing school conference one day, a week in Alabama of all places but it's not a vacation and I wouldn't dare call it one.
However, as there are expenses associated with attending and for your H, time off work required that will eat into his ability to take vacations, I find it childish that he didn't discuss it with you before applying. You two are supposed to be in things together, including finances. The idea that he would just think he could take off for a week leaving his responsibilities behind, losing money from work and paying money to do so makes me want to stab him in the face.
Not cool.
I would talk to him about why he's pretending like he's single.
Click me, click me!
1. had you discussed taking a nice-weeklong vacation together before he applied?
I ask because I have a terrifically bad habit of thinking that everyone around me knows what I know and is thinking what I'm thinking.
I think railing on his hobby is a little bit sour grapes, and your long post makes me think that maybe you also need a hobby of your own. I feel like he is being a jerk because of course anything involving joint finances or shared time committments deserves prior discussion... BUT I feel like you agreeing to go with him, and now whining about it and expecting to be eaten by a bear or kidnapped by Kevin Bacon on the river because you'll have to do stuff all alone
is indicative of you needing to get a life.
Many of your friends having kids seems like a piss poor excuse not to plan a vacation on your own.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!