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I don't know what I need....
......advice, a kick in the ass.......
I am so depressed lately. I had a huge anxiety breakdown last night. I was sitting with my DH and I realized I hated my hair and got upset... like crying upset. I was not crying about my hair tho it was just the icing on the cake. I feel like there is so much stuff going on and I no longer have control of my life at all!
Work:
Found out the lady I am filling in for is doing great! I am so grateful for this. The problem is....she will be back next year and I will be kicked back out on the street. No where to go... no job... back to subbing. I am a teacher, I have my degree and license, no experience.. no one wants me. Bossman said he would try and find something.. This is the 2nd year there is nothing. Then some lady came in for an interview. WTF No one should until I have a job right? ugh. I am trying to figure out this summer camp thing and I feel like no one wants to help me out. I try to talk to my boss and there is nothing he is too busy thinking about something else. So every meeting we have goes off in another direction. I feel so whiny but I need my budget 
My teachers aren't worried about anything i need from them i just feel like nothing is getting done and it start June18 th.
Personal:
my dh broke his wrist and now he "cant do anything" I have taken on ALL responsibilities. It sucks I am tired. I cannot do it anymore. I am trying to quit smoking and I feel like life keeps throwing my curve balls to dry and screw me up. I am just done.
Re: I don't know what I need....
I hate to be one of those people who says PILLS PILLS PILLS, but...have you thought about an antidepressant? I wasn't a real smoker, but a casual one (though I would go through bouts of needing/ wanting a nightly smoke to chill) and prozac killed every ounce of desire to do that, for me. It also did other things (as it was prescribed to) and made my life more manageable to me.
I know you're trying to lose weight too, and turning a major bad time in my life into an empowering challenge for myself has really worked for me, too- takes a little psychology on yourself to get motivated, but what a boost!
Im sorry for all of your problems- Im not saying medication will make them better- just that sometimes it is nice to have a little help managing them to get you to a place where you feel more empowered on your own.
I'm sorry :-(
Hang in there.
You need to go get a great haircut and a pedicure this weekend.
You need to go out with friends and have some vino and great food Saturday night.
ETA: looking over your history I retract the suggestion for a haircut.
What you need is to take control of what you can control.
I'm sorry, but with regard to the work thing - it sounds like you are expecting everyone else OTHER THAN YOU to go out and get you a new job. You have more notice than many people get - the five other people who have been laid off at my job have had no notice at all.
I know it's not easy to get teaching jobs, my sister used to be one and got passed over for tenure, twice, but buckthefuck up, buttercup and cease and desist with this whole, "woe is me they are throwing me out on the street!" because um, they're not and if there isn't another job in the school there isn't another job. Them's the breaks.
Are you still on your diet, you were doing well with that (i.e. something you have control over).
I'm not going to touch crying over your hair because I'm apparently heartless and clueless about the deep seated feelings about hair.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
Ugh, that is tough!
I am usually the hand holder but I totally agree with laptop on the work thing. It sucks that people are being hired before you but that is just how the world works. That is something that a lot of people go through, especially when you are relatively new out of school and have little to no experience. Have you looked at non-teaching jobs at all so at least you will have something lined up in case you don't end up getting a teaching position for next year? Are there any other districts around you that are looking for teachers?
Is it still long enough to throw in a ponytail until it grows out a bit? Is it the length you don't like or something else?
About your DH, tell him he is full of sh!t. I mean seriously, I am sure he can do a lot less but he can't do anything? He can still wipe off counter tops, dust, run a vacuum, take out the trash, order take out so you don't have to cook. I mean I am sure it is harder but come on. What does he think happens when people who live alone break things?
Are you still exercising? I would go for a walk to try and clear your head.
Daycare is SO exhausting!
Blog
Two of my neighbors work in bars (bartending and barbacking). One of them badly broke his finger and was waiting tables within two weeks. The other one broke his finger playing softball last weekend and is working already.
So yes it is bullcrap that he can't do anything.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
I know for a fact I have anxiety. I probably have depression too.
I need to go be seen.
Thanks.
Got the haircut.. got the pedicure last weekend.
Sad thing is I don't have friends.
I have been working for 2 years to get a job. I now I am getting great notice believe me. The thing is the promises that have been made here. I have my applications and resumes in every school system in the surroundings counties. Believe me I am trying.
I have been bucking up for 2 years. Just one time I was trying to say how i felt. I needed help. I came here.
Again I was not crying over my hair. I twas the icing on the cake.
......advice, a kick in the ass.......
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
I know it is the way the world works I really do. I am just in that kind of mood. Everything sucks and I just need to vent it. It just sucks to see all these people get jobs and you are still sitting there two years later.
Its not long enough to throw into a ponytail
My dh is being a baby
I am not exercising because I am exhausted and I am exhausted because I am not exercsiing.
I am running a 5k Sunday. Hopefully that will kick start me.
I know it is. I mean it is his wrist which is different the fingers. He is in a full arm cast so I know he is limited. And he cant get it wet so no dishes.
Maybe I didnt want the kick in the ass
I guess I need it?
I guarantee you'll feel at least 50% better when you turn off the lights at the pity party and tell everyone to go home.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
but HOW?
I am just sitting here. I cant help but beat the crap outta myself.
Im not happy.
What makes you happy?
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
at this point in time.. Nothing
1. Go on indeed or whatever website of your choice and look for not only teaching jobs but non-teaching jobs so you will have something lined up for next year. Assume at this point whatever was promised to you is going to fall through. Yes, that sucks total ass but there is nothing you can do about it.
2. If it is a length issue go and grab yourself cute headbands and clips. Pull back the sides, twist them, play around with it. I live in headbands when I am growing my hair out.
3. Go for a walk, it is a vicious cycle when you stop exercising so do something even if it is just walking.
4. Give your DH a list of stuff you want him to do. Fine, he can't do dishes but he can clear a table, he can vacuum, he can dust, again there are things he can do. Don't let him get away with saying he can do nothing. Do you live in a house or an apartment? If you have a yard to take care of maybe it is time to enlist a middle schooler to mow it until he is healed up.
Daycare is SO exhausting!
Blog
ok, and if truthfully nothing makes you happy the first thing I would do is make an appointment with a doctor or therapist.
So I am kicking you in the ass to make an appointment.
Daycare is SO exhausting!
Blog
Pick one (this is like Choose Your Own Adventure).
1. bullshiit, what makes you happy?
2. make an appointment with your general practicioner for a physical, right now. Tell them you are depressed and get bloodwork done to see if it's physical. Get a referral for a therapist.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
i mean things do make me happy... Family, kids, my animals. Clean house.
I think i need to do both adventures.
Look! It's a telephone!
Do it.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
I will. I will when I get home. My job does not need to know everything.
I think you need to find what makes you happy instead of what's pissing you off, That's all laptop and others are getting at.
I am a former wallower, pitty partier, whoa-is-me-er. When you find things you love and enjoy and what makes you feel good at your core, and you continue to do those things, more good things magically (or not so magically) come into your life. You brain thrives on what you give it and what you resist persists. Another things is to just live in the present moment, not yesterday and not tomorrow. Deal with right now and it isn't as bad as it seems. You can't change your H, but you can give yourself a different outlook and mindset. It takes practice, but it has nothing to do with circumstance, anyone can do it. (Shiiit- if I can with my past history, anyone can)
So, go out and find your happiness. Do you have a hobby? Is there something that makes you feel amazing when you do it? Basically, any time you can feel happy or feel good it will generate more of the same.
I guess I need to start saying NO! One of my big problem is I am exhausted because I do anything and everything I am asked.
Thank you for helping.
Laptop - thanks for giving it t me straight.