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Update on my situation
FormerlyAK has encouraged me to make a post with an update on my situation, so here it goes, lol.
Things with L and I have been going really well. I?ve been told by several friends that I?m the happiest they have ever seen me. We will be together one year next month, and we recently celebrated his DD?s first communion. At the church, L sat between me and his XW, and he joked later that it felt a bit odd to sit between his XW and his future wife. After the service, L and his XW hosted a luncheon. I got to meet her side of the family, and I introduced her to my parents, brother and SIL. The interaction between us are still a bit awkward, but I hope it will get better as time goes on.
We have been talking a lot about marriage, but one of L?s concerns is that he may be filing for bankruptcy, and wants to do it before we get married so that they can?t try to come after me. He and his XW have been trying do a short-sale on the house they owned together for over a year, and each time they have received an offer, the bank has rejected it for one reason or another. His XW already bought her own house, and has left L in charge of dealing with it. The process has been very frustrating, and L just wants to be done with it. He found out from his realtor that it may be going into foreclosure sometime soon, so we?ve spent a few weekends moving valuables from the house and into the condo he?s renting. The bank is not aware that he doesn?t still live there, so they will have to give him an eviction notice before the foreclosure process can get underway. Does anyone have experience with filing bankruptcy/going thorugh a foreclosure prior to getting married?
Over the past few months, it has become pretty clear to me that I do not want to move in to his condo. I had just assumed that would make the most sense, but now I don?t feel that way at all. His condo has a ton of stairs, which my 10-year old dog is not doing well with. The way it?s laid out makes for a ton of unusable space, which would make it hard to accommodate my stuff. And most of all, he pays double the amount in rent that I pay for my mortgage. We have talked about it extensively, and I think I just about have him convinced he should move in with me. The only thing that is holding him back is that it would take about an hour to drive his DD to school 2 -3 days per week, which I told him I would be happy to do since I work closer to his school. The distance between our houses is within the limit indicated in their divorce agreement, so that?s not an issue. We also would have to figure out latchkey or daycare options near my place. I told him it would only be temporary until we got enough money to put a downpayment on a house we would buy together (but likely in my name due to the bankruptcy) closer to his XW/DD?s school.
So, a few issues we need to work out before we move in together/get married. We both agree that we want to be engaged before we move in together. In the meantime, the waiting sucks!
Re: Update on my situation
I'm sure the attorneys of the board will pipe in and may dispute what I'm about to tell you. I work in a bankruptcy firm for the past 13 years. The advice that my boss gave an ex-worker (who's divorced and their house was up for sale and then subsequently went into foreclosure and then it just recently sold as a short sale.) Was to NOT file for bankruptcy (chapter 7). She had very limited funds, husband was not paying her child support (which is another story in and of itself) and her debt was pretty small (a few department store credit cards with minimal balances). If she would've filed, she would eventually have to pay that debt off (some odd cents to the dollar) and the taboo "bankruptcy" mark on her credit report. But he advised her that by not paying the debt will make no difference on her credit report (the debt will eventually be "charged off" in the same amount of time as a bankruptcy will) and the foreclosure is much more severe then the actual bad mark over a little bit of debt. Does that make sense?
I've also filed Ch. 7 when I was 24 (over spending on credit cards/department store cards) and couldn't make ends meet anymore. I can honestly say, it was the best decision of my life and I learned my lesson. But the Bankruptcy Law have also changed since then, 11 years ago wherein I didn't have to pay my debt back at all.
Even though I'm not allowed to give advice...I would have him consult an attorney where you live.
Thank you for the advice! I need as much as I can get, lol! He absolutely does need to set up some time with an attorney to discuss his options before making any decisions.
I'm really glad that you are so happy. I have to ask though, is the only reason that he's filing for bankruptcy because of the short sale of the house? I was under the impression that short selling didn't=bankruptcy.
The financial planner person in me is a bit concerned about what lead up to him filing for bankruptcy. I know that money can be a HUGE issue in marriages, and it was in mine for sure. The way people handle money says so much about them. Have you delved into this with him?
I love you tons Haines and just want to see you happy, in the end. I just want to make sure that you're going into this with eyes wide open so I have to bring this up.
I'm really happy for you!!!
I sent you a PM.
I agree with achase here.
Also, really think about what it means to live an hour from his daughter's school. To have to do that with her in the car 2-3 times a week is a BIG deal for a kid her age. It takes away from homework time, play time, time to wind down after a long day, pushes dinner later. I so don't mean to be a negative nellie ... I just know that my son is only a year or so younger than his dd and he would do horrible with an hour commute to school. But all kids are different, so perhaps she isn't as scheduled as ds. If you are thinking about buying a house together at some point anyway, it may be best for the daughter to rent out your house and live in the condo that is closer to school even though it isn't your ideal.
With the bankruptcy, will you be able to buy a house together any time soon? Or would you have to buy it and then you'd live in it together and re-fi when his credit got better?
Finances were a BIG sticking point in my marriage even before the affair, so I get paranoid about those kinds of things.
I don't think he's tried to do a loan modification, because he has no interest in staying in the home. Too many bad memories.
I've tried to do a loan mod on my own home (I'm about 30-40K underwater), and my bank told me there were no options for me beyond trying a short sale.
Thanks for looking out AChase. I have talked to him in depth about this and if he does declare bankuptcy, it wouldn't from be the foreclosure alone. L and his XW have about $10K in credit card debt that they were ordered to split 50/50 per their divorce decree, but is in his name only and she hasn't been paying on. There's not much he can do about it beyond taking her to court, because there is no timeframe given in the divorce decree. Also, they had a HELOC rolled in to their mortgage that they could come after him after the house goes into foreclosure.
Believe me, I have been thinking about this because it's scary that I would be on the hook if we buy a house together (until his credit is repaired). So, a lot to think about. I have seen that he is a responsible spender (only uses his debit card, lives within his means). That has been reassuring.
Yeah, it's a lot to think about and I know L is stressed about it. I just know that if I did move in with him, it would be hard to find someone trustworthy of renting out my house to, and I would have to deal with being a landlord (or paying $$$ for someone else to). Plus, it would take a heck of a lot longer to save up money for a new house living in his condo than if we lived in my house.
If he ends up declaring bankruptcy, most likely I would have to purchase the house in my name, and then re-fi when he credit got better.
Also, I agree with formerlyak re: the child being in a car for an additional 2 hours per day. That is a lot for a kid and I don't really think that is fair for her. It sounds like things are going great but due to neither of you having good housing options (you're underwater with an older dog and he is losing his home and has the responsibility of a daughter) moving in together may not be an option right now.
You being underwater might make you seem like your credit is over extended to a potential lender and you may not qualify for a new home loan anyway. So taking longer to save for a new house might not be a bad thing ... in fact, it might be the best option for your credit as well.
And if you get a good tenant, being a landlord isn't horrible. I know my landlords were really sad when I left the house they rented to me for the past 4 years, because they said they didn't have to think about the house the whole time I was there because I took such good care of it. You could interview people and really pick one you like.
I just don't want you to have to deal with more crap down the line. You've dealt with enough already in your past
Oh, sorry, forgot something.
I am pretty laid back on most things concerning my ex and his choices in his new life. I don't tell him what to do or how to do it where ds is concerned -- as long as I feel ds is cared for and safe. But I would raise hell if he told me he was moving and that meant an hour commute to school for ds. I'd take him to court to change the custody arrangement so they he didn't have ds at all during the week if he moved that far. If L chooses to live that far from her school, you could be looking at trouble from the birth mom, and things seem to be going well on that front, so why go there. Know what I mean?
I agree.... this seems like it could be a real issue... especially since you said you will be the one driving her around. If I were the mom I would be really upset.. first of all I wouldn't want my child in the car for that many hours per week and I would be annoyed that you would be driving her (instead of her father) From her point of view she doesn't know what kind of driver you are, if your car is safe, if you will get her to school on time and prepared, etc. Also I know that it's within the limits of the decree but you have posted in the past about the problems in your neighborhood with crime so the birth mom might say something about that also.
Why can't he rent a different condo near his ex without stairs issue? I think you need to put his daughter first here... it's more important that her schedule and life are not interupted by what you might prefer. This is why I am not ready to date a single parent... It's really difficult to put someone else's childs needs in front of what you want for your relationship.