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Dad advice (and someone send me a hug)
I just told my dad about my solo trip to Thailand / Cambodia next month ? we are normally pretty close, and just alike, so we?d been talking a lot lately. We?ve actually talked almost daily on the phone and emailing back and forth all day (they live in IL, and I?m in NY) about which school to choose, programs, keeping priorities in order, all that. I ask him about everything.
But I hadn?t told him this because well, he?s my Dad and I?m going alone to Thailand. That and I?m meeting my mom?s sister over there for a while, and he hates her.
I knew he?d think it was a bad idea. But he knows I?m adventurous, so I assumed he?d call me an idiot and get over it. Well I just called him on my lunch break to talk about moving back with them for a couple months while I finish school (residency and out of state tuition rates being what they are, I will still have residency in IL until September. ) I sucked it up and said:
?I should probably tell you that IgotareallygooddealonairfareandI?mgoingtoThailandnextmonthPleasedon?tbemad?
He was not understanding. He told me ?You?re calling us all the time and asking for help and you make your own decisions, and they?re poor ones. That?s not really fair to us is it.? ?You?re surrounding yourself with people who are weak? and then that he had to get back to his dog washing.
1 ? just wanted to get this out there. I know I am being a beebee but I can?t stop secret-crying (I?m at work) and I?m a grownup and all that, but come on. It?s my dad, I?ve counted on him for support. I?m going in a million different directions right now, and thinking of moving to three different states, and I?m only 22. This is NOT what I needed right now.
2 ? now what? I tried calling my mom but she didn?t answer. Should I wait for him to think it over a bit and contact me, or should I reach out to him?
3 ? waaaahhh, my daddy doesn?t love meeeee
Re: Dad advice (and someone send me a hug)
First things first... *deep breaths*!
Remember parents are people too, and don't always react perfectly. And if you're asking for help financially, I'm sure you can see that might be frustrating to him. I'm sure ideally, as a parent, he'd like you to focus money on becoming independent and settled.
Great deals aside, I don't have the option of just taking a deal on airfaire when the money should go elsewhere, like my mortgage.
Let him cool off, and talk to him. Show him how you're making good decisions otherwise. I'd probably say something like "I see what you're saying, but I feel like this is an opportunity I won't have another chance at for a long time."
Does he have a point? I don't know enough about you or your life to say one way or the other, but consider it.
That said, this is an age thing. Let this be the kick in the pants for you to start separating emotionally from your parents. I'm not saying don't love them, or don't be close, but you don't need to call your mom and be all anxious just because your dad is mad at you. He wouldn't be all verklempt if you were upset with him, would he? It's time to start transitioning your relationship with them from one of parent in authority and semi-adult child to one of three autonomous adults.
He probably does have a point, in that it's sort of dangerous. Not enough of a point to stop me from going, but he's not wrong to worry, you know?
I'm not sure how much advice I can offer but I can sympathize. Even at 36 I have no problem standing up to my mother but I still worry about what my Dad thinks and I get REALLY upset if I think I've disappointed him. I think because like your dad he has given me a lot of support (largely financial) in my times of crisis. It sounds like he gave you a knee jerk reaction. If he's usually pretty reasonable maybe just give him some time to digest it and he might calm down and even if he doesn't LOVE the idea he'll accept it at least.
Did you end up telling him you are seeing your aunt there? Even if he doesn't like her, if his biggest concern is that you're traveling alone it might at least ease that fear if you tell him that.
ETA: (HUGS)
I didn't try to explain it or anything, it is what it is [hate that phrase] and I knew he wouldnt be happy. After his initial reply I tried to stay calm, I just said 'i thought you'd rather know I was going than have me disappear for 2 weeks'.
You're right starburst, I can totally stand up to my mom, but dads are different. I think this just upsets me so much bc while it felt like they'd started to respect my decisions, now I feel exactly 4 years old again. Right when I was asking to move back in with them too.
Seriously?
The ONLY reason your dad has a point is because it might be dangerous?
He straight up told you:
"You're calling us all the time and asking for help and you make your own decisions, and they're poor ones. That's not really fair to us is it."
Hey, maybe your parents would like to go to Thailand, but they have this mooch adult daughter they keep paying for.
If you want your parents to respect you as an adult, and treat you like an adult, act like one. Pay for your own ***, act like a grown up and discuss things with them openly, instead of blurting out things you had to hide from them, and be responsible.
If you have to have financial help from your parents, and are considering moving back in with them, then no, you shouldn't be taking yourself on vacation.
This is the most hilarious thing I've read in a while. Seriously, read what you wrote!
Just when they were starting to respect me, I blurt out an irresponsible choice I made, and they treat me like a little kid! Right before I was going to move back in with them!
I guess I can see how that would look, I mean it's not because of money really that I'm moving back in with him but that they live where I need to go to school. And I don't want to find a house / apartment in IL when I only want to stay there for a couple months.
I don't think that's what's bothering him, but I will address that when I talk to him, since it's such a juxtaposition (hey dad I'm jetting off to an island for 2 weeks and when I get back can I live with you and mom?)
sht, I feel the flames, I always liked watching this from the outside. Would you like an explanation or is this rhetorical passive aggression?
I have one class left to qualify to enter the BSN program. There are 2 BSN programs that I am looking at, in 2 different states.
To get those credits where I live now, I will have to pay out of state tuition and then move outta this state anyway. To get those credits in the state from which I just moved, I will pay in state tuition and then decide where to move, or stay in my hometown. not with mom and dad, btw.
Then, after this one semester which is admittedly available where I live now and where I will be moving, I will have met the prerequisites to enter the BSN program.
Clear?
If I do the summer class, it will be July - August - it's just A & P + the lab.
Otherwise it's like, Sept - Dec.
See, and I'm not opposed to that. I am hoping after I calm down, he calms down, and everyone's back to normal, I can bring out these options too. Ultimately I'll make the decision myself - but I think a result of my relationship with XH (and everything that led up to it) was second guessing my own judgement. That's why I give so much consideration to the opinion of anyone else with experience.
... i have no response
I guess I didn't realize how much I was deferring to daddie until I wrote it out, but yeah, I was. Am. whatever.
Your father probably feels taken advantage of and it's pretty crappy that you would leave the country and go as far away as Thailand alone without letting them know, considering the close relationship you seem to have. Thailand / Camboia aren't known for their wonderful safety record and lots of terrible things happen there all the time. I constantly read about australians that die in Thailand and I personally know several people who have gotten incredibly sick and one who died while traveling there. International travel is wonderful and fun but there is no reason to be so irresponsible about it.
So irresponsible? Really? I think it's pretty ridiculous to say that an entire country is "irresponsible" to visit. Are the only countries that would be socially acceptable those that are english speaking ones?
FWIW, I talked to my mom this morning and she agreed that the problem was that he's worried. I waited so long to tell him because I was scared of his reaction, but it's not as if I went and didn't tell him. It's still a month off.
As far as this is concerned,
Just when they were starting to respect me, I blurt out an irresponsible choice I made, and they treat me like a little kid! Right before I was going to move back in with them!
i get how this sounds, but I feel like moving back to the family farm for a couple months is a better idea than what I did last time, which was find a guy to shack up with so I can live cheaply.
Can you tell me what the worse idea is here? I'm not trying to be snarky, I just know that a lot of people have to move in with their parents post-d, so it doesn't seem like an automatic bad option. But that's from my perspective.
The fact that a lot of people do something, especially in situations where they have limited options with no real palatable choices, isn't sufficient to make something a good or even okay idea.
Your logic is just killing me today.
Your Dad is frustrated b.c. you won't grow up and act like an adult. You keep coming to them to bail you out of bad situations but won't take ownership of the decisions that lead to those situations. Personally, I don't think living with them is a bad situation if you're making responsible adult decisions in other areas of your life, but from his reaction I would say you aren't. You need to force yourself to stop leaning on them so much so there are actual consequences for the mistakes.
I have no issues with Thailand, it being dangerous, etc. I have issues with you mooching off of your parents while spending money on a trip to Thailand. It sounds like your Dad has issues with the safety, but when you're relying on him to provide housing and emotional clean up from poor decisions, then he gets to have an opinion as to whether this is a good idea. It sounds like you've worn them out and this is the straw that broke the camel's back.
This makes sense, I mean I can't bring myself to regret planning this trip, but the execution was pretty poor. i hate being flamed (albeit really mildly) but it does kinda shake you awake.
All this exactly
I didn't say the visiting a non english speaking country was irresponsbile... I meant the way you are going about it is. Hiding a vacation from people you expect to financially support you is not what responsible adults do. Responsible adults can pay for their own rent, food, car, insurance, have savings and then plan to take a vacation. If they plan to go somewhere alone that doesnt have the best safety records, they provide their family members with their flight numbers, itinerary, hotel info and email them when they arrive in case something happens to them while abroad.
I wouldn't my parents to find out I was sick or lost in a foreign country and they didn't even know I had taken a trip. I think it's a pretty messed up thing to do to the people that you talk/email to everyday on the phone and have been helping you your entire life.
You want to move back into their house because it works out better for you financially but did you think about what it does to their life? Parents are people too and they are allowed to be fustrated and dissappointed when they feel their adult children are making wrong decisions. They don't have to let you live in their house, they don't have to email and call you everyday to help you figure out your life - they do these things because they love you and are supportive parents... you say you are an adult and you should be functional but you still are acting like a child... perhaps that's what is dissappointing him?
I have 2 brothers that are 26+27 and are constantly doing things like going to Hawaii, going to concerts, and hiring cleaning services all while asking my parents to pay for their medical bills and help them with rent. My parents are sick of it and feel taken advantage of. I am close to my parents so they tell me how disappinting it is to know that they raised children that are selfish enough to take their money for their medical bills while going to Hawaii... don't you think they want to go to Hawaii? They can't because they are paying their adult childrens medical bills! My parents relationships with those brothers is pretty strained. I would advise against letting it get to that point and begin to look at things from your parents point of view.