Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
new here
Hi ladies!
I literally just clicked on to this site and saw this board!!!! I have been married for almost a year and a half, we have an 8 month old daughter and our marriage is in the crapper. I just don't know what to do anymore about it and don't really have anyone to talk to.
sorry if I am being too forward. I used the Bump during my pregnancy and I guess since my bump has been so amazing, I feel comfy just getting on here and spilling it all out to you ladies in hopes of having the same great experience as I have with TB.
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Re: new here
Erm, I can't guarantee results like that but for starters you could offer some more details about what the issues are in your marriage.
sorry, I hope I didn't come off weird. I am not expecting amazing friendships, I'm just hoping for understanding.
he is a gaming addict and all he has done for the past month (almost literally) is play some stupid game online. this has been a constant issue in our marriage. He's also a porn addict, which is also very difficult for me as well. He calls our baby a retard and tells her to shut her hole when she is crying. Just so many issues.
I guess what is putting me over the edge is that I just got home from visiting my sister in Orlando who had a baby on Monday (I live in Boston) and it was a stressful week to say the least (my nephew ended up in the NICU), and I get home and he doesn't want to kiss me and both times I've gone to kiss him he's just backed away from me. He is now out in the living room sleeping and I have no idea why.
again sorry to unload, I just don't know where else to turn, and like I said before, TB has been great. Knowing that I can get on and at least one person 'gets' it makes all the difference in the world.
I have been thinking about leaving for a while, but was hoping that it was just from the stress of becoming new parents. But things aren't getting better, he ignores us (my DD and I) all the time and when he's not ignoring me, he's yelling at me. I just feel so alone and so sad.
Do you have any kind of IRL support network of family and friends? From what you describe of your situation, you should avail yourself of it sooner rather than later.
Do you work? If not, could you work to support your DD if you had to?
Obviously, none of these questions are geared toward thinking of magical ways to fix your husband, who frankly sounds like a horrible person. Anyone who could talk like that to his own child is basically unfit to have a family at all in my mind. It's verbal abuse. It's really going to screw her up. Really a lot.
Why haven't you left him?
I'm not saying that divorce is easy, but he is verbally abusing you & your child. There is no reason in the world to stay with a man like that. You need to leave before he does unrepairable damage to her.
I just keep hoping something will change. he doesn't get how sad I am and frankly, I don't think he cares how sad I am. leaving feels so scary to me with such a young baby, but it feels like the only way to be truly happy again.
I do work and I graduate next December from school. (My undergrad in history and masters in teaching) And no I don't have a support system. I am kind of alone where I am and don't feel like I can talk to anyone I do know about this before I make a solid decision.
I feel better already knowing there's actually a place to come on to and not feel like I'm such a terrible person!
thank you ladies!
If you were just arguing about chores or money I could understand not wanting to tell other people because you wouldn't want them to have a bad opinion of him.
The type of issues you are having only get worse if they are kept a secret. You need to realize that you are not nearly angry enough. The longer you stay & keep this secret the harder it will be. He is convincing you that this is normal and you are the terrible one.
Get out before he breaks your spirit further and before your daughter is old enough to understand what he's saying. Isn't the idea of her understanding his words a hell of a lot scarier than being on your own with a baby?
He is verbally abusing your daughter and you dont think that is reason enough to leave? If that isnt enough for you I doubt much more will make a difference.
You can do this for you if you want, but you MUST do it for your daughter.
He calls his own 8 month old daughter a retard? Seriously? Get the hell out of there, if he says that when she isn't even old enough to walk, I can only imagine how much worse it'll get when she's, oh, 13 or so.
There is nothing scarier than trying to plan a solo parenting life, but for the sake of your child, get away from this douchebag immediately. Wow. Pretty sure if my H said that to our DD I'd have smacked him upside the head with a frying pan. And kicked his azz out.
GET THE F OUT OF THERE. You are a mom now and your children HAVE to come first. They HAVE to. He is verbally abusive and sounds like a douche.
Really ask yourself WHY you love him.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I can understand why you would want to have hope, but seriously? There is no evidence that he is going to change here. Only mounting evidence that he is not going to change. Look - you married this guy, you didn't make such a great pick and now you aren't happy and your daughter is suffering. I think you need to re-evaluate your situation.
Are you in individual counseling? That would be a great place to start.
Do you have an EAP? Can you call like right now and get some counseling sessions set up? I think that discussing this with a counselor (alone) ASAP would help you get some clarity and perspective.
One thing that is asked here a lot of people seeking advice is, "what would you say to a friend who told you the story you're telling us?" Think about that, and then make a plan of action.
My Lunch Blog
This. Nothing is going to change unless you do something about it.
Please make an appointment with both a lawyer and a therapist. This man is clearly verbally abusive and that's not going to change. You cannot change someone like that. You've said you've thought about leaving, but I don't think you realize how serious things really are or you'd be gone already.
The fact that he is already verbally abusing your daughter is setting her up for this to continue for the rest of her life, and it will only get worse. Do you really want to subject her to that just because you never got past "thinking about leaving"?
I agree that he sounds emotionally abusive and the fact that it makes you sad and uncomfortable rather than blazing angry makes me think he's been emotionally abusing you for awhile and has worn you down.
Can you think of any reason he would be purposely withholding physical affection? My gut is that he is a person who likes to control the situation and by pushing you away and making you worry and have to beg for any kind of attention. But I'm wondering if this could be a PTSD case or if there is some reason he is legitimately upset (although his reaction is very out of proportion). It sounds like he has been emotionally distant from you for a long long time.
Are you working while going to school? Any way you can speed up the masters in ed? Any way you could switch schools if you moved? I'd be audio and video recording his verbal tirades on the baby for possible future use. I'd also be planning my exit complete with hoarding money, finding a place to live, getting my degree ASAP.
Here we go, kellbell said what I was thinking without any F-words!
You need to come up with a plan, stat. How to live on your own, where you can work, where you can go. And then put it into action. This guy is not going to change and you and your baby deserve a LOT better.
I'm with broc. This isn't a man you want to raise a child with. These are his true colors, who he is on the most basic level. You can't change that.
Click me, click me!
winner winner, chicken dinner.
The addiction issues are one thing, but the verbal abuse of your daughter puts it over the top. What an arsebag.
If he truly has addiction issues then look into getting him some help, but he has to want it. Odds are he will pitch a fit.
Why did you procreate with this loser?
I know how scary it can be to leave a marriage without a local support system. My XH started an affair shortly after moving us to a new city, and I filed for divorce shortly after that. Before I did anything I plopped my butt into a therapist's chair and talked through all the emotions and fear. She also helped me come up with ways to build a foundation for myself so far away from everyone I knew.
That was almost 3 years ago, and I'm still in my new city and with some really close, really amazing friends. It can be done. You can do this. You have to do this. You can't stay in this toxic environment with your DD. If your H is in front of a computer all day and all night, you're already a single mother. You're already doing it. Now you just need to introduce a calmer and more supportive atmosphere at home. I think you'll both thrive from it.
Also, he doesn't have a gamer/porn addiction. He has lazy, selfish bastard syndrome. Both enable him to have a home, a child, dinner on the table at night but allow him to be detached from the people who make that possible. Personally, I think plays his games and watches porn to avoid the normal emotional connections that make a marriage possible. I know you don't want to hear this but I just don't think he's into you as an individual. I wouldn't take that personally because he honestly wouldn't be into anyone as an individual. That's not w hat he's here for. He wants his needs met on his terms and emotional intimacy isn't one of his needs.
If he was, he'd put down the remote/keyboard and pay attention to his wife instead of screaming at his baby to shut up while trying to coordinate boss attacks.
And I know it's scary to leave without much moral support or a place to go but it can be done. I had to put my kids in day care at 4 and 2 so I could work a shitty job as a waitress to leave a douchebag. I was living in a state I'd only moved to three months before, thousands of miles away from my family, and very few friends.
It wasn't easy but it needed to be done. My kids couldn't be raised in that environment. Then there was the matter of my own sanity. The way I saw it, if I was going to raise my child on my own, take care of my household by myself, then I may as well be by myself and not have a 250lb weight sitting on my couch, eating my food, benefiting from my hard work and talking smack when it wasn't to his liking.
Click me, click me!
My heart is aching for you. I can't imagine what it must be like to hear your husband talk to your (HIS) daughter that way. I find myself wondering what he says to you.
Counseling for you is a must- particularly since you don't feel like you have any sort of support system around you. You need to work through this and learn what you and your daughter deserve. You are worth so much more.
God, I hate saying this, but you should do some snooping. I suspect his online addictions are not just gaming and porn (although frankly, that's enough).
He probably has a 'friend'.
Calling your baby a retard crosses the line.
This sounds awful.
Call DOVE - they have a 24 hour hotline here in MA. You need someone to talk to about this who can help you.
617-471-1234
Good luck - you can do this.
If you needed some affirmation that your gut feeling is correct, that it is NOT going to be a long-term healthy marriage, that he IS abusive not only to you, but your little one - you've found it.
Your circumstances will not change - only how you react to them.
Find an EAP, go to a few counseling sessions to talk it out and get more affirmation, if you need it - then leave. You will be SO glad you did.
MamaL - I know its hard. P is just a little older than your LO (if you don't recognize me, we are on the same BMB on TB). I'm sure you have seen me post about my divorce and the stresses of that. I know I have chatted with you about the stresses of yours.
Staying is not going to make things change. I highly recommend counseling. For both of you, but you definitely. And talk with a lawyer too. Find out what you need to do in case this does end in separation or divorce. And feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to.
I stopped reading here. WTMF? This would be the only thing that mattered to me. Leave his loser ass.