How do I learn to trust my husband?

jeskarose

Finally coming to the realization that I don't. Is there a fix or not?

ErinExpat

Has he given you a reason to not trust him? Did something happen, or have you always felt this way?

jdbmjm

I depends on why you don't trust him in the first place and whether you are willing to forgive that reason. With XH, but the time I fully realized how little I trusted him, there was no going back. But it is work, and counseling is probably your best bet. 

jeskarose

Long story short, at the beginning of our relationship he had an "emotional relationship" with someone. A girl he worked with. So mostly at work, via text, Facebook, and going out in groups. He left that job and forgot about her. Now it seems every job he's had since there is always some girl that he has to pay special attention to, and it seems like he's always sticking up for them vs. me. Lately there has been this girl who comments on every Facebook status he has... petty I know, so I looked past it. Until they went out and there were pictures of them together with his arm around her, that all our family saw. It's embarrassing to me. Shouldn't it be  embarrassing to him too? Do you really want your mother and mother in law to see your arm around another girl at a bar? So I nicely ask him to have to take them down and she freaks out, saying all she wanted to do was be my friend. I feel like I'm in 5th grade with her attitude. 

jdbmjm

Are you married to my XH? 

Seriously though, emotional affairs are really, really tough. Have you sat down and told him how you feel? Is he willing to stop all contact with her because it makes you feel so uncomfortable? Does he see that it's putting him, and your relationship, in a bad light to have potentially inappropriate pictures out there?  I honestly think emotional affairs need to be treated like affairs, because there is that same breech of trust. It's exhausting to be second guessing your partner and what they are doing all the time. 

jeskarose

Thank you for understanding that! Everyone keeps telling me that it isn't cheating unless there is sex and that is so false! Yes, I've told him multiple times, he tells me things like "I don't know how you can hate her when you don't know her". No he doesn't see that, he can't see where I am coming from at all. I told him to put himself in my shoes and pretend its the other way around. He said it wouldn't bother him, which you know if just plain bull! And yes I am exhausted. We've had so many talks that just seem to repeat the same thing over and over again, and he never understands. It's so hard for me not to be worried all the time. 

jdbmjm

Have you considered counseling, just for you or for both of you? And go sooner rather than later. It's physically draining not to trust your spouse, and the longer it goes on, the longer it takes to come back from it. I had asked him to go to counseling for years, but by the time we started (after I told him I thought we were done and it was a last ditch effort), I had basically checked out.  His total refusal to acknowledge how he made me feel became emotionally abusive- that I was crazy, imagining things, he didn't "do" anything so I wasn't entitled to my feelings of betrayal, etc. If things would have changed earlier, maybe it wouldn't have gotten so bad (but he was also a sociopath, so there's that...) You can also check out survivinginfidelity.com

 

EastCoastBride

Eh, a picture of my DH w/ his arm around a girl... that in and of itself wouldn't bother me.  He has many female friends and that kind of picture wouldn't be weird.

But. BUT.  These friends are also MY friends and it's all very transparent and my DH doesn't have a history of making a "special" friend everywhere he goes.

This "she just wants to be your friend" - WTF?  If that was what was going on, then you would hvae met her already.

Your DH is shady.  And he's trying to make you feel like you're the bad guy.  I agree - counseling at a minimum.  But if he really doesn't see anything wrong in what he's doing, I don't know that he'll ever change.  He'll just get better at hiding it.

 

kellbell1919

jeskarose:

Thank you for understanding that! Everyone keeps telling me that it isn't cheating unless there is sex and that is so false! Yes, I've told him multiple times, he tells me things like "I don't know how you can hate her when you don't know her". No he doesn't see that, he can't see where I am coming from at all. I told him to put himself in my shoes and pretend its the other way around. He said it wouldn't bother him, which you know if just plain bull! And yes I am exhausted. We've had so many talks that just seem to repeat the same thing over and over again, and he never understands. It's so hard for me not to be worried all the time. 

I feel like I say this a lot on the Nest, which means there are other people in exactly the same situation, but here it goes....you can't make someone have the same boundaries as you.  You can't force him to respect you or to care about your feelings.  IMO a lot of emotional affairs come from the other person's insecurity.  They need external validation so badly that they put that need over their partner's feelings.  There is no way for you to fix that, he would need to recognize it and get counseling.  But yes, there is a degree to which going outside the marriage for emotional support and attention, even without any physical touching, is cheating and it sounds like you all are there.  It doesn't make you a jealous insecure person, it makes HIM the insecure person.  Unless he's willing to see how it hurts you and aggressively commit himself to getting to the root of the issue and stopping it, I don't see how you just get over this.  If he hasn't physically cheated he's certainly putting himself in a position to do so.

ReturnOfKuus

You can learn to trust your husband by trading in this dud for a husband who is actually trustworthy.  That's the only way this is actually going to work.