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Can You Help Me Sort My Feelings?
It it normal to feel a little nervous of exploring sexual fantasies like S&M? My husband has vocalized being curious about it, and since reading some erotic fiction, it has sparked something in me as well. The first time I heard about this fantasy from my husband I clammed up...it takes a lot emotionally for me to be so out of control in any situations, since I am the heart of the house as my husband has said (i do 99% of the decisions in our house, finances, events, etc.)... At the same time, I feel like I want him to take control more sometimes too.
Is our answer the bedroom?
I love the idea of him being so consumed by lust for me that he needs to just "do" me, but I'm nervous about the pain & pleasure that will come with it. Is it normal to feel torn when exploring this area, or areas such as these, is it normal to feel some hesitation? He has said that he see's that I want to be dominated sometimes...but he's seems to be trying to find out where because he notices I like to see passion in him. I like to dominate too, but I also feel bizarre when I tie him up.
I'll admit, I have never explored such areas sexually before with my husband (except for a few things, hair pulling, dirty talk, spanking, etc) I used to date a man who had a "softer" character in the bedroom, who while controlling everything on the outside, I was the over confident dominant one mostly in the bedroom - doing things that well, I tried with DH and he's just too "strong" of a character for me to be comfortable with doing...like it feels foreign.
Life happens, we had children, and then we just stopped exploring so much and its well, more vanilla in our bedroom. Vanillas nice, but it kinda gets boring when you have the same ol' flavor all the time, ya know?
Re: Can You Help Me Sort My Feelings?
I was a professional domme for nearly a decade, so I might be able to give you some perspective.
Sexual desire is a quirky thing. Words or actions that frighten or shame us are frequently the things that turn us on the most. They are "transgressive" - they cross boundaries for us and that is what makes them wicked and forbidden and so sexually exciting.
A healthy marriage is based on respect and mutual appreciation and shared responsibilities. Those elements aren't the kind of sexually charged ones that work in a Domination/Submission scene. It is hard to feel submissive and desired while wrangling a kid out of a tub and into a bath towel.
But how to cross sexual boundaries in a relationship that has boundaries built in by necessity? That is something that must be carefully done. There needs to be huge trust because this is "power exchange" in its purest form. The submissive gives over their power *temporarily* as a gift to the top. The top now has the responsibility of that sub's gift and the freedom to play within it.
This post could easily become huge, so I will keep it to some concrete suggestions for how you guys can put a little 31 flavors in your sex life:
1.) Make a safe word. This is a word that when uttered can stop all play in its tracks. "Stop" is not a safe word option. "Dill Pickle" is a great one because there are very few kinks that involve dill pickles so there is not way that the safe word can accidentally get uttered in a scene and put the breaks on prematurely.
2.) Each of you make two lists - one of things that you think you would find exciting (spanking, light bondage, dirty words) and one of things that are absolute no-nos (golden or brown showers, age play fantasies, no breaking of the skin). Exchange these lists and discuss why these things are titillating or revolting. Say things like "It would be so hot to be tied to the bed and unable to move while you take me." so you partner understands your thought process behind your desire. Tell your partner why you don't want to do certain things "Being called a c*nt is beyond my limits, but "dirty little whore is cool" so that they are clear on your reasons. This talk can be very arousing in and of itself.
3.) Rent a hotel room and get a babysitter. It is hard to shed your every day roles of mommy and daddy when you are keeping it down for the kids in the room next door. So get out of familiar surroundings. Bring a sexy picnic basket full of fun foods and assume your different roles. Flip a coin to see who is going to be dominant that night.
4.) Have a trigger -- something that delineates play time from regular life. No one can be in a D/s relationship 24/7. We have laundry to fold, kids to feed and jobs to do. You can't just stop making dinner to drop to your knees to service your husband. But you can drop phrase that indicates to the other that play time is on the menu - "I can hardly wait until you get home tonight and pleasure me like the good little slave you are" or "I am feeling rather hungry today...be sure you have a stamina to serve me tonight" Or you can set out a collar on the bed so that the other person knows that play time is on your mind. When the collar goes on, the scene begins. When the collar is off, back to equal partners.
5.) Make the slave ask for it. This is a great way for the dominant to make sure that the slave is really into things and wants to continue. Say things like "You like how warm your ass gets when I spank you, don't you? Wiggle your ass and show me how much you want it. Beg for more." Or during intercourse, the dominant can stop moving and make the slave state out loud how much they want more f*cking to the dominant's satisfaction before pleasure resumes.
There is a lot more I could type, so PM me if you want more.
Finally, about your husband being too "strong" of a personality to dominate -- I snort with laughter. The more powerful a man is, the more he WANTS to be helpless. You wouldn't believe the rich and powerful men who came to see me when I was a professional domme. What they wanted was to *not* be in control for a while - to have someone make the decisions - to be used to satisfy your lust at your whim.
You will probably have to tie him up.
Thank you! I hope the OP found this as interesting and as helpful as I did. This is something that I have been interested in for sometime.