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Help?! Donating Sperm to Friends.
I?m looking for some opinions or stories from people who have gone through/are going through/are thinking about going through this.
Back story- My husband and I have been married just under 2 years. We do not have kids of our own; we do plan on having them when we are more financially stable.
We have friends, who are women, and married. We aren?t that close to them, but we?ve known them for about 5 years, and one of them happens to be my boss. We have been asked if we would possibly donate my husband?s sperm.
My husband says yes, he doesn?t mind. Who knows what he really thinks.
I?m okay with it. I want to help someone; maybe I?ll need someone to help me someday. I have set a few rules if this were to happen. We would need to sign all the legal stuff saying he has no rights or obligations to this child. They would like it to be possible for the child to meet my husband if she/he wants to later on, and we are okay with that. I am fine knowing that I will see pictures of this child daily (depending how long I work there, it?s only a retail job for now). I understand that this is different for me vs. my husband because it?s not my sperm. But I truly believe I can look at this child and just see it as my friend?s child. It doesn?t mean I won?t be in the child?s life, it just means I?ll be their mom?s friend.
Side note, I've discussed this with my mom in the past and she is 100% against it.
We are only discussing the idea right now, so I?m looking for any advice anyone has.
Thank you!
Re: Help?! Donating Sperm to Friends.
All I know is I couldn't do this. The idea of a child being out there that is 1/2 mine biologically - I just couldn't see the child as "any other child". It would always be on my mind.
Especially once I had kids of my own - think about it. Once you have children of your own and there is a child very close by that is their 1/2 sibling - do you still really think it wouldn't bother you?
If you really feel that you all could do this and really could "let go" of it, then more power to you - you'd be giving them a wonderful gift! That's the other side to it - you and your DH would be doing something wonderful for them.
But you really need to look at all aspects of this and how it could crop up later in life. Even the being available if the child wants to meet your DH. Right now it's all theoretical and easy to say "oh, no big deal". But what if at 13 year old, this child wants to meet him, and in turn wants him to be a "dad" to them?
GOod luck- this is a huge decision.
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Nope, I couldn't do this.
Your husband may decide, after the child (or children) are born, that he wants to be involved in their lives. This could cause all sorts of fallout, both personal and professional, that you can't possibly imagine right now.
Most medical ethicists would not condone the practice given your situation.
Given that your DH is not a father yet, there is no way he can truly appreciate what is being asked of him.
Is there some reason they can't/won't approach a sperm bank? Are they doing this old school with a baster at home or are they dealing with a medical team? Have they seen a lawyer to iron out the responsibilities to this hypothetical child? What role would he have? What if something went terribly wrong and the child had special needs that required a level of care beyond what can be provided by 2 parents or required huge sums of money?
IMHO this is a really bad idea.
Your friends can go to a sperm bank. That would alleviate a ton of potential problems. It's just not worth risking your marriage or the friendship.
I think that there is way too much room for problems to crop up over time with your proposed arrangement. Tell her to find a sperm bank.
Listen to your mom. This is not a good scenario. It is kind of you to think about it, but this just has bad situation written all over it.
Amen
I *think* that *maybe* I could donate an egg to my sister. Maybe. But that would be it. A boss? A friend? No way in hell.
I'm friends with two gay partners (men). They are friends with a lesbian couple. The lesbian couple asked the guy couple if they would consider donating sperm so the lesbian couple could get pregnant. The guy said no. He said he couldn't imagine knowing that he has a child out there and not be it's father.
I have multiple lesbian friends, all of whom used a friend or acquaintance for their donor. None of them have had any issues or drama about it. The ages of their kids range from preteen to babies. All the kids know the sperm donor causually/socially (or at least know the person exists and has seen a pic- in one case the donor lives xcountry).
Having seen those examples, as long as I protected myself legally, I would have no problem with it. However, I would not do it as long as you work for or with one of them. That would be too messy, IMO. I would tell them you might consider it in the future, but as long as you work for the same employer, you aren't interested at this time.
I would never be able to look at that child and not see my husband. I would inevitably feel a certain level of attachment to the kid. And that is just my reaction - who knows what my husband would be thinking. These woman have other choices and I'd recommend they look into them. This is a huge thing they are asking of you. Please think it through.
If one of the couple was a family member or my sister needed an egg, I would be more open to considering the situation.
Good luck.
There really isn't one right answer. This situation may work for some people, but not others. Just because people on a message board or your mom thinks its a bad idea doesn't mean it necessarily is.
I'm with the other suzy in that friends that I've known have used sperm for friends/acquaintances as well. I'm obviously not privy to the details, but it seems to be working well on the surface.
My hesitation would be the fact that one of the women is your boss. It creates an odd dynamic that could get uncomfortable at work. I could see resentment from a lot of sides given how things play out in the future.
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I wouldn't even consider it unless the person asking was family. There are too many ways it could go wrong especially because she's your boss.
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I'm with you on this! I think this is wildly inappropriate and will forever have an effect on the relationship, no matter what the OP decides.
In fact, I wouldn't even consider it for close friends. Maybe for family, though. Maybe.
Ditto this. Did you read the story about the woman who donated a kidney so that her boss would move up on the transplant list - then the boss had her fired (Because she took off too many sick days after recovering from the kidney donation surgery!).
If you don't know these women, you really don't know what you / H are getting into. What if they turned out to be crummy parents?
What if you and your H cannot conceive - - would it bother you that another woman had a child with your H, and you didn't?
Wait until you have chilren of your own before you consider this.
So your boss wants to have your dh's baby.
Uh, no.
My thought exactly!
A family member - sure, if it was a sibling, a cousin, possibly. Maybe even a very close friend, again possibly.
A boss or co-worker - HELL NO!
I could almost see doing this, if you were extremely close. Then I realized one of these women is your boss.
No. Bad, bad idea. They have sperm banks for this.
I will refrain from giving my opinion.
However, if this is something you are both seriously considering, I HIGHLY suggest speaking with a therapist who specializes in adoption, surrogacy, and donation. Please do that for yourself, your husband, your marriage, and ANY and ALL children who will come from wither of your bodies in any sense.
I thought I would be okay with something like this. Then I met Fianc?. It's odd to know that he has a kid from a previous relationship now that there are fertility issues. It's even stranger because there are major relationship issues so he is estranged from Kid.
I don't hold his past decisions against him. He says he's made his peace with the situation. It's just...odd and a bit strange to think that Kid is out there and I'll probably never meet the child of this man I love. If you had asked me this question before meeting him, I would have told you to go for it. Objectively, if they want a kid and you're okay with it, I fail to see the problem with it.
Then you're actually in this situation and BAM, it all changes. Darn love, it throws objectivism out the door.
Also, lawyer up big time if you even talk about this any further with your boss.