Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
F/U to New Here
Hi ladies,
I am sorry I haven't been on since my original post. I have been working hard on completing my end of the semseter papers I have due. I promise I'm not ignoring you all. It's just been tough to find the time to get on.
I appreciate all of your advice and input. I am grateful to have others who get what it's like. I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do, I need to finish this next week of classes and then I can start really focusing on this whole situation. All of this really started after we had our DD. He just seems to detached from both of us. I feel bad that I made him seem so terrible to so many of you.
Thank you again ladies!!! I will try to get on more often.
-Mama-
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Re: F/U to New Here
What part of calling your DD a "retard" is not "so terrible", exactly?
He's emotionally abusive. Again, what part of that is not "so terrible"?
You really need to get your shyt together after next week and get a more suitable home for your DD, at the minimum.
There are guys out there who are loving, affectionate, etc. You deserve one of those guys. Not this guy that you're roommates with.
This exactly. You didn't make him "seem" terrible; it's much more likely that he actually is terrible. No decent human being acts the way your husband does towards you and your daughter, the two people who should be most important in his life. Re-read your original thread and let it sink in. Then ask yourself if you would like your daughter to marry the kind of man you did. Then leave.
ETA: And if you stay with this man, your daughter will find another man just like him to marry. Trust.
Are you for real?
This man calls you child retard and tells her to shut up and you feel bad for making the douche look bad.
Yeah... I think you should get your priorities straight. Your husband is actively ignoring both of you in favor of gaming. He is verbally abusing your daughter & you "don't know what to do?" yet?! Are you daft?
You are worrying more about this bastardo husband than your innocent daughter's well-being. That's fooked up.
Seriously, get a clue & do right by your daughter. Divorce the bum & get some therapy.
Your husband is an asshat. See below which is from your other post for evidence. You need to be an advocate for your daughter and leave the asshat.
he is a gaming addict and all he has done for the past month (almost literally) is play some stupid game online. this has been a constant issue in our marriage. He's also a porn addict, which is also very difficult for me as well. He calls our baby a retard and tells her to shut her hole when she is crying. Just so many issues.
Think about how you would feel if your daughter went to school and another child treated her the same way your husband treats her. Calls her names, is aggressive, and dismisses her needs (i.e., need for comfort when crying). How would you feel about that?
Now imagine that this child is someone your daughter looks up to and wants to be friends with. That's pretty heartbreaking.
Now imagine that the person being so mean to your daughter is someone your daughter loves. That's devestating.
You need to protect her from this.
This update pains me. Your DD needs to be #1 in your life right now. HER. not you, not your DH, not your sense of "Oh, but I can't possibly leave him".
She needs you to protect her. Don't put your head in the sand over this issue.
And I find it hard to believe that this just all really only came about in the last 8 months. I have a feeling you had blinders on before yo uhad a baby and decided to ignore the festering issues, thinking "OH, a baby will get him to change!!".
YOU ARE A MOTHER. PROTECT YOUR CHILD.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This. She cannot defend and protect herself, so you are here to defend and protect her. You are just as bad as he is if you continue on with your relationship and don't get away from your horrible husband. You should not be exposing your daughter to this man. Your daughter is better off without her dad in her life than to be subjected to him.
Everyone else has already said exactly what I would say. Your husband is an immature assberry beret, and you need to kick him out asap.
I get that you're overwhelmed, but your daughter deserves so much better than what she's got right now. So do you, but only if you do what's right for your kid and put her ahead of your desire to not rock the boat. Get out now, before he does serious permanent damage to her. And get thee to a counselor to figure out why the heck you don't think you deserve better than this doucher.
Which only reinforces my belief that he is emotionally abusive. Like I said, the fact that you feel responsible, like you can fix this, instead of really, really angry means he has worn down your self confidence and your perspective as to what is a loving relationship over the past few years. I am confident there are other incidents of emotional abuse...him putting his needs before yours, getting mad at you about stupid stuff, turning arguments around so it is always your fault, that you didn't even notice or recognize as emotionally abusive.
You need counseling to help find your self confidence and sense of self worth. Your child deserves better than to grow up in a home with a father who will make her question her own value. That's how little girls grow up to be pregnant at 16 or strippers.
The fact that "you feel bad" because he is doing and saying awful things speaks volumes.
Look, in a vacuum I honestly don't think him calling her names is a huge, huge deal. Some people for whatever reason don't think 'retard' is a heinous insult, and especially since he's gaming on xbox it's very possible he's inured to how offensive it can be.
However, even ignoring that part, he's still emotionally abusive and has a hardcore Peter Pan complex. You can't treat your kid like a random 12 year old on xbox live, and you can't game for 8 hours a day as an adult. That isn't how it works, and it isn't fair to you, OP, that he thinks he can traipse around Neverland like a college student with no responsibilities.
You think you made him seem terrible?
No, he just is terrible. No decent father or person calls his eight month old daughter a retard or tells her to shut her hole when she's crying. Like I said in your OP, if my H did that, I'd take a frying pan to his face and likely throw his shiit on the lawn and start it on fire. But I'm not worried about having to do that cause my H actually, you know, loves our daughter.
Like a PP said, how's he going to handle it when she misbehaves? Talks back to him when she's 9? Take a smack across her face? It is not normal to tell your infant that she's retarded or ignore her needs when she's crying, telling her to shut her hole. Dude's a douche.
The guy's got major problems. Ones you can't fix. Get that baby girl out of there before he messes her up for life. And like kellbell said, how much has he messed you up that your feel bad at all in this situation instead of steaming mad and ready to kill the guy for what he's said to your child? How much has he done to you to put you in a place of such submission and guilt over his actions?
Why do you think he is so detached? Do you really think it started with the birth of your daughter or, looking back, has it gone on longer?
Good luck with your schoolwork and please do stick around. We honestly have a bad taste in our mouths based on what you've told us, but we can be rational. If you want to talk about it, we're here.