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So sad....want to be in 2 places at once. Really long-sorry!
Quick synopsis, I moved to where my husband is from before we got married a few months ago b/c it just made sense (long story short his employer was paying for him to get an MBA degree, he owned his own house, I rented small 1 bedroom apt, ect ect) but it's 4 hours from my parents, my dad has Parkinson's, mom is super healthy but the primary caregiver. I have a brother who is a constant traveler so he's not around. My husband knows I want to move closer to my parents when he is done with school and promised, providing we find jobs and whatnot, he will do it.
Though...I just feel awful, like I abandoned them. I go down as much as humanly possibly, multiple times a month most months. My mom makes comments all the time about how sad she is at how far away I am and how she didnt instill good values for me to move back home after college. Really life kinda happened, after school I accepted the first full time job with benefits I was offered and it happened to be 2 hours from them, now add another 2 hours b/c of my husbands job and school. I love my parents and wish I was there, I feel so guilty to have left them but for my husband and I to get a solid start on our future the best decision was for me to go where he was living, not the other way around. I can see them traveling to see me really takes a toll on my dad being in the car for so long, on my mom b/c shes the only driver and has been for a while. I really want to be in 2 places at once...anyone else have ailing parents or live far away that dont have siblings to pick up the slack?
Thanks-just needed to get that out there....
Re: So sad....want to be in 2 places at once. Really long-sorry!
You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You are living your life and that does not always mean things will be exactly as your parents imagined it would be.
You visit as much as you can, but your primary focus needs to be building *your* life with your DH. Somehow, I bet your brother doesn't feel the level of guilt you do.You need to tell your mom that the guilt trips don't help, that she needs to accept that you need to live your own life, and that her giving you guilt trips is not going to change things for the better.
And while you may be planning on moving back after your DH graduates, you need to understand that life happens and that may not be a viable option. And you need to make sure your mom understands that as well.
What kind of values DID she instill in you then?
Your mom is being ridiculous and unfair. You made the grown up decision (and right one as far as I can tell) by moving with your husband for the reasons you listed. Don't let your mom guilt you like this.
how she didnt instill good values for me to move back home after college. <--about one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read.
Your mother is not acting acceptably. I understand that it is difficult being the sole caregiver, but manipulating you into making eight hour drives multiple times a month is appalling.
Guilt is a useless emotion. It is not your place to feel guilty because you are living an independent life apart from your parents. You don't owe them nursing care. And it's a cheap shot for your mother to insinuate otherwise.
Does your brother get called out for living his own life, or is it just a girl thing in your family?
For the record, I helped care for my MIL the six years she was dying and I have two elderly parents with multiple medical conditions who live 200 and 1200 miles away (depending on the time of year). I have an elderly aunt I help look after, she's 300 miles in the other direction. I help when I can, but they wouldn't dream of asking me to relocate to perform tasks that one can hire out.
If my mother pulled a passive aggressive stunt like that, she's be getting voice mail.