Family Matters
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Opinions please!
Would it bother you if you found out that your SIL still spent time with AND arranged for her kids (our niece and nephew) to go out to dinner and activities with your DH's ex-wife?
** I should clarify that DH has made it clear (after some of the really terrible stuff ex-wife did) that HE feels betrayed that SIL would still choose be not only be friends with her but also keep encouraging the kids treat her like their "aunt".
I should also mention that whenever she needs a babysitter or a specific present for the kid's birthdays she plays up the whole "you're an Auntie now" schmoooze but then behind my back is still having DH's ex-wife in the picture- and I think THAT is totally two-faced!
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Re: Opinions please!
No. This can be one "downfall" of divorce. Clearly your DH ended his relationship w/ his ex, but it sounds like his sister has remained friends. As they are all adults, they are allowed to do this. And she's allowed to have her kids see the ex too. Her kids, her choice.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with ECB. Since kids are involved the ex will always be part of the family.
Um, I consider "kids involved" to mean kids between the actual divorced couple and my husband and his ex do NOT have any kids.
W/o knowing the history, I can only speak to what I'm reading here.
She was an "aunt" to them at one point, and if she has a good relationship w/ them, I don't see anything wrong w/ SIL wanting to continue that relationship.
I don't see how it's two faced to call you an aunt too. And it might be the kids driving that w/ the ex more so than your SIL. I see nothing wrong w/ children having MANY people in their lives who they love and who love them.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I really don't know why she is two- faced. You are her children's aunt now and his ex-wife might still be an aunt in her children's eyes.
I think yoru husband needs to focus his anger on his ex-wife and not pull his sister and her children into this feud.
I consider it to be two-faced when she said to both our faces "The kids and I do not have contact with ***** anymore" yet then we find out that they not only have contact but do activities and sleepovers together!
The kids are so young that they barely had her as an "aunt" (and for the majority of that time she was already living with DH's friend who she cheated with and left DH for) and certainly would not have known any different if she was not in their lives now.
This.
If it bothers you so, then cut off contact with the SIL as much as possible. You have no right to dictate to her who she can be friends with, nor who she chooses to allow her children to be around.
Ok, well the fact that she is lying to you would make her a bit two- faced ( that info would have been nice to know in your orignal post since I dont' have a master's degree in mind reading).
Now she shouldn't lie to you both about her relationship with the ex. However, considering your extreme reaction, I can see why she did it.
Listen, they are both grown adults. I can certainly see why your husband feels betrayed by his sister; however, he still has no say on who his sister chooses to be friends with. It isn't your place to say anything and you both need to let this go before it ruins the relationship with his sister and her children.
Um.... can you please explain what my "extreme reaction" was?
I haven't addressed this with SIL all I did was come on the boards to get opinions?
SIL is not divorced.
Ok, I admit it, extreme wasn't the right word in this instance. However, it sounds like your husband did confront his sister about his relationship with his ex. Again, I understand how he could feel betrayed; but the point is, it isn't his place to tell his sister who she can and can not be friends with. As long as she isn't inviting her to family gatherings that you both will be at, he just needs to let this go.
That is my advice to you. Encourage him to realize that he has a right to feel betrayed but that is where it ends. He has no business telling his sister who she can and can not be friends with. He needs to let this go before it ruins his relationship with his sister and her children. Now is his anger towards his ex-wife really worth all of that ?
eh, given a choice between my Aunt and her ExHusband, I would choose my 'Uncle' Rchard every time.
And I can see the lie. If asked directly, to keep peace, I have bald faced lied to my Aunt. I am not a fan of the lie, but given the question was at my Cousin's youngest's birthday party, I thought it best not to create drama.
DH had the discussion with SIL about this 3 years ago when the divorce happened and has not talked about her with it since because SIL told us since then that they "didn't have contact".
I haven't actually told DH about what I found out this weekend because he is out of town and I don't want to upset him with family issues while he is at his conference.
He would never tell SIL who she can't and cannot be friends with BUT I do think he has the right to feel hurt by his own sisters actions.
This!
You can't control who other people have relationships with. Period.
My parents continued to have a relationship with my HS boyfriend after we broke up. I was 22 then. He was their pool boy and did work around their house until he finally moved out of state when I was about 26. He STILL calls my mom and talks occasionally and always comes to see them when he is in town. Did it annoy me? Sure it did when we first broke up. Especially when he brought over his new girlfriend to my parents' house to introduce them. Was there anything I could do about it? No. So I got over it. I suggest you do the same.
are you kidding me??? he has the "right" to feel hurt by this? why would you ever want to cause someone extra stress or hurt? can it. you're making trouble where there doesn't need to be any. i wouldn't want to bring my kids around you, either. and i don't even have kids. yikes, woman. step off.
Eh. Most grownups are perfectly capable of maintaining relationships with friends/family even if they divorce. It's the sister's call to make, not your DH's.
It's OK for the kids to have you both as aunts.
The only thing your SIL did wrong was lie.
But maybe she lied because she knew you and your DH are super sensitive about the ex and she didn't want to get into a giant ordeal over something that really isn't any of your business.
Really, if you don't want to deal with things like this, then marrying someone who is divorced is not a good idea. Or marrying someone who had any real long-term relationship. Families bond with partners and sometimes those relationships outlast the romantic ones. It's just part of life.
It almost seems like you sound more jealous and threatened than you do angry.
Not saying this in a snarky way at all but that is how your posts are coming across to me.
Does your SIL have a better relationship to her than you? How about the kids?
Regardless of how your H's marriage with her broke up, your SIL can still have a relationship with her if she wants.
I can possibly see why she lied though. Frankly it's none of your business who she sees or brings her kids around. She probably lied to you because she didn't want to create any drama.
Maybe your H could talk to her about it. Rationally. But to be "hurt" about it is kind of being dramatic. Especially since he's moved on and married you. Why does it matter anymore?
Your DH brought the ex-wife into SIL and her children's lives. She has every right to maintain a relationship with his ex. SIL probably wouldn't have lied if you and your DH weren't creating drama by trying to make her "choose sides."
I get along with both of my BILs exwives - and one of them he had even divorced before I met my DH! I see them at family events b/c they share kids, etc.
I guess it helps that I also like his current gf.
I love my BIL, but if he or his gf told me they were angry I talked with / visited his ex's, I would tell him my friendships aren't any of his business.