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OK. I need to say this to new moms with H's
The first few weeks/couple of months you will be in survivor mode. That means you and your H -FOR THE MOST PART- focus on the task at hand. Plans may need to be broken, weekly activities may need to stop for a while. Caring for an infant hours on end is no joke. Neither is sleep deprivation. Here's what worked for us during my maternity leave:
H left for work at 7:30 a.m., I looked after the baby during the day. H came home around 5 p.m. - right after work - and we had "dinner" together (it's in quotes because may times it was sandwiches, eggs or take out), talked about our days then I went to bed and he took over baby duty until he went to bed at 11 p.m. I had night duty during the week and we split the weekend nights. I got at least 4 hrs. of uninterrupted sleep that way which changed my lyfe.
You and your H just need to keep telling yourself this is temporary. It's not always going to be like this but both of you need to accept that it's your reality at least for the time being.
Not sure why I had to get that out but there you go.
Re: OK. I need to say this to new moms with H's
I'm glad you posted this. H has no idea what we're in for when our baby is here. We still have time to "prepare" (HA!) since I'm not due until December, but I feel like he's clueless. We've been buying clothing already at thrift stores, and we have maybe 20 items, total. Today, he looked and asked if we had enough clothing yet.
I'm totally going to make him read this! He's going to be a great dad, he just has never really been around babies before. So it will be interesting, I'm sure!
I'm not a parent, but I have a question. I have friends who are having a baby this summer, they are the type of people who don't want to impose on people and they don't have a lot of family in the area. Should my H and I volunteer babysitting sometimes so they get a break? When would it be appropriate for us to volunteer this?
They're our best friends and we want to help them out with anything we can, but I'm not really sure what the best way to help them is.
This stuff all works until you have more than one. Second babies are so effing hard.
I'm sure they would appreciate your offer. I know it was a while before I trusted anyone else besides my husband to care for my son, but I'm sure they'll take you up on it eventually. At the very least, it will let them know you are there for them if they need and that is always nice.
Agree.
H didn't need to suddenly get the urge to get acupuncture, although bringing the focus back to himself is what he does best, lolz.
For awhile, then it gets easier and then *certain* people start taking the I-Phone, which is supposed to be yours, and are constantly on it or on the computer when people (children) are up and could use a little attention or cleaning could be done or maybe fold something because that never, ever happens.
I was in a similar boat. Honestly, I just wanted someone else in my house sometimes DD#1 slept best on me for far too long and I always wished another warm body could hold her so I could nap/ shower/ run/ etc. would have been awesome.
This. Also doesn't work when you are nursing and haven't introduced the bottle yet.
Look, Tamb, I'll be the first to admit I went kicking and screaming into this new life with a baby. It was sooo hard the first few weeks and I couldn't figure out why. I felt like I was going crazy because why couldn't I even take a shower some days? It wasn't pretty. It's OK to be tired and whine. That's what you need to know. It's OK. It's not always going to be like this.
Hang in there and vent here when you feel the need. If anything, I always love me a new pic of Joanna.
My brother and his SO just had a baby. During the first month, I offered to babysit 4 or 5 hours during the day (I took time off) in their house, so that the mum could nap/take a shower/wash her hair in peace. She was really happy with this.
Linie
posts like this make me so nervous. I don't think H and I are on the same page about what things are going to be like, and I'm afraid I'm going to get to that point where I resent him and am home all alone, out of my mind.
Yep, what other people suggested about offering to be there for a few hours during the day is awesome. Also, my favorite thing that anyone sent us after dd was born was a fruit basket, lol. A Harry and David fruit basket, full of delicious things I could eat with one hand.
This post is timely, since I just found the list of "things that have to be done every day" from right after I went back to work. It includes gems like "Brush teeth/wash face" and "Eat breakfast." We didn't get the hang of life with a child for a long time...
Nobody can really know what it's going to be like. I think the biggest mistake you can make is not telling him exactly what you need. If he takes up a sudden interest in acupuncture that keeps him out of the house every evening and you need him to step up and be home with the baby then TELL HIM.
LOL it is making me nervous too and I have done it before. eeek
I have selective memory. I remember being resentful but like pumpkin said it is short lived thankfully. I just remember a couple weeks of hell then life go better.
I hope #2 doesn't throw us for a total loop. I am so happy I am keeping him in daycare for the summer......
yes
I learned I had to be really really honest with what I needed. The biggest mistake women/moms make is assuming they get it. They don't. You have to give them step by step directions on what you want. It seems childish but if there is ever a time in your life that your husband is not going to read your mind it is when you are in a pp/sleep deprived haze. I now remember this made a big difference for us.
That's good advice. I'm finding that's true even now, when I'm more in need of support in emotional ways than I ever am, and I can't expect him to know what I want unless I just say it.
I'm kind of hung up on this "business" trip he has to take in July--its 3 weeks after my due date and I'm pretty sure its an awful idea for him to go but since the baby isn't here yet, I can't say so.
What I would REALLY love is for someone to offer to clean my house for me. Nothing crazy - just vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom would be nice.
Aw, I'd come vacuum for you! And my kid would happily sit for hours putting your kid's pacifier back in her mouth! We could go to target - dd is like 12 times as old as J, so she's totes good to babysit.
Don't be nervous.
Sure, there were nights when I was slamming doors because DH didn't want to get up and acting like a total 2 year old but the newborn phase was really fine for me. We did go into it with these types of posts in mind, expecting it to be the worst six weeks of our lives but it wasn't. I agree with telling DH exactly what you need, when you need it. I expected him to be a mind reader and would get pissed until I realized if I said do x, y, and x worked much, much better.
I just feel like I need to say it might not be as horrible as you think it will be. The best advice I got was to get out every single day if you can and that with the exception of all out partying you can still do the same things you did before. Jackson and I did everything together those first six weeks- movies, shopping, out to eat, visiting grandma.
I did get my payback when he was sick the following spring. The newborn phase was a walk in the park compared to that.
Daycare is SO exhausting!
Blog
Cjoy gives sage advice My H needs things spelled out for him. If I need him I ask and he's always willing to do whatever it is I ask him too. I don't expect him to be a mind reader nor do I set him up for failure by expecting him to know what I want.
Tell him. Honestly, I think one of the mistakes that I/we made was not being upfront about shiit even before it all happened. I tried to be all doting wife/stiff upper lip and wait for him to figure it out himself. No bueno.
I don't know - if situation was reversed, I couldn't just tell my job to f-off and not do some of the 'extra' things they expect.
I also travel a lot. I couldn't go up to my bosses and say "oh - my H had a baby and I'm not going to travel at all for the next 3 months. sorry."
that wouldn't work.
I say - get home as soon as you can and act like you want to be there. When the opportunity arises - tell your wife to go get her hair/nails done, or make a trip to a coffee house, or go see a movie.
Yes you could. It's called Family Medical Leave. Or you could request that your travel be limited. Something. Maybe I'm wrong but I think both H and W need to make concessions.
It probably depends on the work place, but my H did. He was supposed to go on a short business trip two weeks after my due date. He called to tell them he couldn't go- which was good, I would have been like four days post-partum and there was no way that it would have worked for him to leave.
Its a client wedding. A networking opportunity for sure, but not essential (IMO). That its at a very fancy beach resort, I wasn't invited in the first place, and he will be going with all his best buddy coworkers and getting blitzed all weekend isn't helping my already festering feelings of resentment.
And trust, I know sometimes work cannot be changed for family reasons. Hell. I requested a 6 month reprieve from my own out of state travel after childbirth and it was denied. So I get that. But I'm not convinced this is the case.
I think missus said yesterday that this is a "business" trip in that someone associated with his business is getting married and he is travelling to attend. That might significantly change my feelings about the trip, depending on what his attendance would mean to his career.
My H is self employed so it also wasn't an option for us. He has to go where the money is. He was in Haiti on my die date, during the election riots no less. Two weeks later, he had to go away again. It sucks but such is the reality of life.
missusbee, don't stress about it now. For me, I knew it was happening and I freaked and it was fine. Maybe you could make arrangements doe someone else to he there for part of that time, like your Mom or a sister or something.
ok - yes, you're right. I COULD tell them I wouldn't do any traveling for the next three month. but I would probably lose my job at the next opportunity. It's part of what I do. It's part of what's expected of me to be employed here.
Now that I had a newborn, I probably want to keep my employment in good standing.
I think *most* employers try to take it easy on people when they have newborns, so maybe I wouldn't have to travel as much... but it seems like the husband isn't supposed to do anything but speed home after work and start watching the baby.
All I'm saying is - it's not black and white. Not every husband can put this job on the back burner for 12 weeks.
It's a hard 12 weeks for mom. I know. I lived it 3 times. I actually didn't handle it well at times... but it is temporary.
As long as your husband's intentions are good, and he is honestly trying to be there as much as he can, I don't think most of what has been said here is neccessary.
moving on...