So sad sex life...

mbishop7

I'm new to the boards over here (I'm still planning my wedding on TK!), but since we're so close and since our problem has been going on for a while, I thought I'd venture to TN! 

 My FI and I's sex life has never been great. We both are attracted to each other, obviously, but sex just.. isn't good. We have been together for 3.5 years, and have lived together for about 1 year. In our entire relationship, we have rarely had a (what I think is) normal sex relationship. This last month, we've had sex twice, which is about how it usually goes. If I walk out in sexy lingerie or start smooching on him to get something going, he usually always turns me down. If he wants to do it, I'm usually exhausted or on my period.

If we do have sex, it usually either lasts five minutes, or lasts for 15 minutes and FI can't understand why he can't get off (and usually goes limp). I sometimes get off, but only if FI is trying to get me off. We usually never both get off.

Now that we're getting married, I'm wondering if this will ever change. We graduate college this Saturday (yay!) which will relieve some stress from both of us, but I really don't think that's the problem. How can we become more sexually compatible?

cmeinla

Has he been checked out medically?

How much foreplay do you typically have?

And you might be surprised at how much an effect stress and exhaustion can have on you.

Is he as committed to fixing the problems as you are, or is he okay with things as they are?

mbishop7

He has not been checked out medically.. it's something I have urged him in the past to do, but he says he will make things better. They don't. Now I'll admit, I don't have the best libido. I'm on BC and anti-depressants, but I want it more than him.

We have NO foreplay. Maybe a little oral sex for him, but that's about it. I want to more, but he wants to get right to it. It feels great to start out, then either feels so good for him that he gets off right away, or so good for me I tell him to hold off so we CAN have longer sex and then he gets "numb" and I get.. well tired!

We have had stress from school, and work can be tiring. I'm thinking maybe once we get "adult jobs" (normal schedules), things might come around?

When I tell him I'm upset with our sex life, he says he'll either work on it, or not know what to do to fix it either. I don't think he's as committed to fix it as I am. 

dirtyred

Why, oh why did you think a crappy sex life would automatically get better after you got married?

From your brief info, it doesn't sound like your DH is a very giving sexual partner.

mbishop7

mbishop7:

Now that we're getting married, I'm wondering if this will ever change.

 I didn't say getting married would make this automatically change. Marriage is changing our lives a lot, along with graduating college and getting new jobs.  

eparsons2

Me and my FI have had this same problem from time to time. Our sex life usually goes in cycles. We will have great sex for a while and then he seems to just loose interest. It can be brutal on your self-esteem, so if its taking its tole on you hang in there! We actually went to counseling to try to figure out what might be going on in our relationship that was causing him to not feel inclined to have sex with me. We were having sex about every 10 days or so but I would come onto him every 3 or 4 days so it was devastating me being rejected so much. Being tired was def one of the leading causes for him and although we didn't discuss it, I've found Saturday or Sunday evening or sometimes even mornings to be the best time to come onto him since he has had some time to rest after the week. Sitting down with someone (if he feels comfortable with it) or even just with each other and being fully honest about what you both like, what turns you on, what turns you off, what you both need, what you have been interested in but never tried or been too embarrassed to try. Sex should be fun and one of the nice things about being with the same person is that we should be able to take those risks, play a little and experiment without worry of what the other person thinks. If it didn't do it for you or him then don't bother with it again. For instance if you want to have foreplay then tell him that! My partner still just wants to go right to sex, but he knows that I will never get off if we do so we have to fool around for 10-15 minutes first. He actually has found that sex is better when he has to wait but in the moment he hates waiting. There is also a stipulation that 90% of the time we have sex we both have to get off. If he cums to fast then he has to figure it out, if he is having a hard time cuming with sex (sometimes happens) then I resort to oral or using my hands. It can be exhausting but we realized that our sex life was the one thing neither of us liked and so it has become priority. Its not set how often we have sex but now that I know what turns him on if I'm really in the mood then I can usually get him there. And amazingly he actually comes onto me now. So for sure keep talking about it, don't assume it will just get better on its own. Good luck!

mollyemrytle1

I'm not kidding when I say this, but have you ever brought a bullet into your bedroom?

Bullet: a little plastic vibrator, NOT a dildo that you place on your clitoris OR you can foreplay with his boys or penis giving it too the sensation with vibration.. . it will open your life & his life... sex life that is into a brand new place. If that doesn't bring the sex in, then you should defintely see a doctor or have a serious talk with your hubby.

 Seriously, go to PureRomance.com && you can order the basic bullet for $15 OR just buy the Double 0' 7 which is seven speeds && water proof.

 It'll save your life!

mollyemrytle1

... continued - the bullet will definitely catch you up to his level where you two can go together! Highly recommended.