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FB ex's who are friends. Am I overeacting?
I knew DH was friends with his ex on Facebook ever since I could remember. They have NO KIDS together, NO joint owned property, nothing that would force them to keep in contact with eachother.
When we moved in together (7yrs ago) she wanted to know if he (not we) could meet up for coffee with her when she was near the town where we lived, however he declined. Now she is married with a child, and of course so is he. DH's ex, was one of his "great loves."
they are facebook "friends" and i"ve always known that. However some jealousy/discomfort was triggered last night. He told me what her facebook status was (she is upset with some news story or something) he told me then what his comment back to her is.
The week prior he told me how he is discussing with her some other update (a parenting question) now she made a comment on a photo he has. To me, they seem to be a little too comfortable being FB friends now. Maybe I'm just overeacting? If you are FB friends with a serious ex, do you comment on status questions they have all the time, or do you keep a respectful distance?
in the past with them, there was this respectful distance, and not this much chit chat.
For me, I tend to be from an old school mentality, ex's are the past. There is a fine line for me between being okay with her as a facebook friend, and me getting uncomfortable. For me, my ex-FI contacted me via email when one of his relatives who I was very close with was dying, and only then did we speak as friend, and DH always knew. Once I went to the funeral though, communication stopped, there was no need for it. Now exFI is married with a child, and there is 0 communication on either side. DH has said comments in the past like how he has said to others that he lucked out marrying me, that how his ex is some what "aged" looking. Maybe I'm just over analyzing every conversation we've had involving the ex's name...because his friendship is bothering me.
Am I overeacting?
Re: FB ex's who are friends. Am I overeacting?
well, it sounds like the level of conversation is within the normal range for FB friends. statuses and photos show up in the newsfeed, so they may not even have been actively browsing each other's page, but just happened to respond to recently posted items. personally, i find that i post a bit more on other people's pages when i have free time to kill, regardless of how close i actually consider that person.
it also sounds like he's been open and honest with you about the level of contact. so i do think that you're overreacting here.
honestly, you sound insecure about the fact that he's still friends with an ex whether or not there are ill intentions, it obviously bothers you.
Have you tried telling your husband how you feel about this?
Do you have a hard time trusting your husband? I couldn't even tell you the facebook comments made on my husband's photos and wall or by whom....you just sound like you are looking for something to get upset about.
I'm in the overreacting camp. It's been OVER 7 years, they've both moved on, had kids, etc. The level of contact on FB is about what I would say I have w/ not-so-close friends. A comment here and there, etc.
Also, are you on FB? If so, I would assume your his "friend" too,so all of this would be available for you to see. So even while he's telling you about it, you could actually see it for yourself -right?
It seems like he isn't doing anyting questionable. The one time she wanted to meet (again, SEVEN years ago), he said "no".
I think you're placing way too much importance on FB.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You sound incredibly sensitive about this, and yes, I would consider it an over reaction. Have you told your husband that you're bothered by it? Regardless of whether or not other people think you should let this bother you, it is, and that's going to affect your relationship.
I'm also going to add- you say you come from "old school mentality" where ex's are in the past. Ok - no matter what, you will never, ever be able to erase her from his life. Even if you insisted he unfriend her, end all contact, etc, you will never ever be able to erase the memories and the time they spent together.
As it stands, things are pretty transparent! If he wasn't friends with her, I actually wonder how much you'd then obsess over "does he think about her? does he ever miss her?". Honestly, I think seeing her on FB, seeing (I'd assume) statuses/ pictures of her DH and kid are just a constant reminder that she's moved on and so has he. The mystery isn't there because they know what's going on in one anothers lives!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yes you are overreacting.
You are also insecure about this long ago relationship. Why is that?
Im friends with my h's ex girlfriend and our comments on one another's FB are along the lines of what you find "too much". The problem is you, not their FB relationship. You need to figure out why you cant accept that they can be friends and just friends.
I agree w/ the others. It sounds like they are using FB the way it was meant to be used. If you wanted a husband who didn't interact with past loves, than you should have married a guy who was like this.
I think you're overreacting.
They haven't been together for 7 years, They're both married. They were always fb friends so it's not like they just all of a sudden reconnected. They are commenting on a public forum in a normal fb matter. They're commenting on things like kids and news articles. I really see nothing wrong with his behaviour at all.
Maybe you need to get off fb so that you just stop seeing it if it's bothering you, it sounds like you're reading a little too into things and that is just unhealthy.
Yes, you're overreacting. Has he given you a reason (other than random FB postings) to be insecure about your relationship?
Bottom line, if you've known about his penchant for keeping in contact with exes for 7 years now, and it wasn't a dealbreaker for you, you need to learn to accept it.
You sound really jealous and I'm not sure why.....
DH is Facebook friends with an ex. She lives pretty far away, I don't think they regularly communicate but if there were commenting on each others statuses in public on their walls this would not bother me. Especially if it was over news stories and parenting. I don't like any of my exes enough to stay in significant touch but I do sometimes exchange facebook pleasantries with two of them.
This could go one of two ways: you have contact with an ex because you don't have feelings for them and therefore it doesn't feel taboo or inappropriate because it is purely platonic OR you have contact with an ex b.c. you still carry a torch for them. Based on the fact that your husband is very open and nonchalant about his contact with her and you live nowhere near her, your situation sounds like the first. Which means by flipping out and calling her ugly and comparing the two of you, you come across like a psycho witch.
Are you normally this insecure? Has he given you any other reasons to feel insecure? I broke up with all of my exes for a reason and that reason is that something about them or our relationship was so bad I didn't want to be involved with them anymore. If they'd been worth being with, I never would have broken up with them in the first place. DH's exes are the people I'd be least inclined to worry about: if he wanted to be with them, he'd be with them.
Dude, lady, if you felt that people shouldn't have casual relationships with their exes after the break up, you should have married a man who wasn't casual friends with his ex.
But since you did, yeah, I do think you're overreacting here. He's completely open with you about their communication and it sounds like the most inane, innocent shiit.
I think it odd that he mentions these things to you when he seemingly knows the friendship bothers you however, the alternative is either that he keeps everything to himself or cuts of the friendship in its entirety. Both of those options say bad juju to me quite honestly. I think you have the best scenario here. The best thing for all around is that his friendship with this woman be out in the open and that he feels like he can talk about anything with you.
I think it would be a very bad idea for you to pressure him into dropping this FB friendship.
I agree that the whole great love deal and the meeting request would put a bad taste in anyone's mouth but seven years later is sounds like everyone is happy and the two of them have found an appropriate ground to settle on. I think it's time you did as well.
Click me, click me!
I'm in the middle on this. On the one hand, he is being open and honest about every communication they have had. But on the other, as a woman, you are entitled to your emotions/feelings. I believe if something is hurting you, he should try to remedy the situation. If the relationship makes you uncomfertable you should talk to him about it, know matter how good a friendship, you are his wife, you and your feelings should ALWAYS come first. Just as you should feel the same way for him.
I hope this gets worked out and you are able to move forward.
Yes, you're overreacting.
I think it's pretty normal to have feeling of jealousy when it comes to exes, but this looks to be on the up and up.
Take a step back and look at this from the outside: he's interacting with her on Facebook and when, in the past, she asked him to meet up with her he declined. And yet you are still apprehensive about the whole thing.
You, on the other hand, went to a funeral for one of your exFI's relatives and your H didn't bat an eye.
Give him (your H) the same trust and confidence that he is giving to you.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. My Blog
What was specifically said last night that triggered the jealousy?
I think what might help is if you mentioned to your DH that you don't care (in a nice way) to know what his ex said on FB. That if DH wants to casually be in touch on FB then it's no biggie. I think the fact that he didn't want to meet up with her that one time in real life is a sign that he doesn't actually want her in his life, and that keeping in touch transparently and only every now and then online, should be good enough for you.
Yes, you ARE overreacting.
BUT I think you need to examine why this is making you feel so insecure.
Why is there any reason that freaking Facebook would threaten your everyday real-life relationship with your husband?? Especially when it wasn't like they did anything in private- the comments are out in public!
My FI was FB friends with an ex, who suddenly flipped out on him when he started dating me again and when she found out I was pregnant. She started saying a lot of bat-sh*t crazy junk. He didn't defriend her because she's had a lot of problems in the past and I suppose he thought he could help her.
She kept sending him messages, and he started getting irritated with it. I told him that if he didn't want her to go apenuts on him, he should defriend her. If he didn't and she kept up with crazy behavior, whatever she did after that was on him. They're not FB friends anymore, as far as I know.
I think people put FAR too much emphasis on facebook. If they're simple, innocent comments, then there's no need to concern yourself. I think, as PPs have said, that the bigger issue is why you seem so insecure. If a man wants to cheat, a social networking site isn't going to make a difference- he can easily go down to a bar and pick someone up. These comments are in public and he seems to have been very open with you about them.
This.
With the sig pic, too.