Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
In laws and boundaries
I need advice as to how to address these issues with my husband. My new family is very nice and I get along with everyone but I don't believe we will be very close. We have different interests, different ways of solving problems, different upbringings, just overall, very different. I have two issues, the first is that everytime they come to town, they want to stay in our small two bedroom apartment. Would be ok if it only were a couple of adults, but it's normally about 3-4 adults that come to stay, and sometimes even with small children. At one point I had 4 adults and and two small children staying with us. I'm a very private person and I like my alone time with my husband, especially on the weekends, and having everyone in the same living quarters for more than a day, is very stressful on me. The second issue is that my husband constantly invites his family (namely his siblings and their families), over to our friend's house whenever our friend is having a get together and his family is in town. It makes me uncomfortable because I feel like we're imposing on our friends. I prefer to decline our friends' invitations rather than impose on them, but my husband insists upon it saying that our friends say it was ok. Our friends are friends with my family and have invited them over on numerous occasions. I don't even mention my family coming over unless our friends specifically tell me to invite them. How do I talk about this with my husband without him thinking that I'm favoring my family?
Re: In laws and boundaries
I just have to ask...how were these boundaries before getting married? And have you ever brought it up before? If not then you really need to. Be respectful but at the same time stop being afraid about hurting your husband's feelings. He's your husband for a reason...he should be the one person you go to no matter what. If you keep it bottled up then nothing will ever get resolved.
By focusing on more how you feel then bashing his family would show that you don't favor your own. By saying something like" your family is invading my space" you would be bashing them. Saying "I love my time with you and it's hard to have alone time if I feel we are barely alone" would be more respectful.
Another thing you need to remember is compromising. You don't want him expecting you to completely change right? Well it goes both ways. But the compromising is something you two need to deal with.
And the friends thing? Ask the friends. Maybe they don't mind the other family coming along.
>>>>I I have two issues, the first is that everytime they come to town, they want to stay in our small two bedroom apartment. Would be ok if it only were a couple of adults, but it's normally about 3-4 adults that come to stay, and sometimes even with small children. At one point I had 4 adults and and two small children staying with us.>>>>
If it is more than the couple adults that you are comfortable with, you say politely. "I wish we could accomodate you but with only two bedrooms,our space is limited." Two small bedrooms...enough said.
I have been there myself. Years ago after DH and I were first married, I had to assert myself after my MIL wanted to bring 3 friends along with her one weekend to our former home that had only two bedrooms and 1.5 baths. Frankly, I think DH was relieved that I took that position and stood my ground.
Good luck!
Cut the "delicate" nonsense and be honest. Tell your DH that you need to come up with a compromise that you can live with.
But first, look at your lease, you may have a restriction against running a flop house. If so use that. If not, agree to no more than 2 adults at a time (or whatever you can live with) and no more than one visit a month. I have a friend who has a beach house who agreed with her husband to give each one 20 F&F coupons a season. Each guest/night is one coupon. She could have 2 friends five weekends or he could have his mom for a week and his nieces and nephews make an overnight once or twice.
As for your family vs his and the friends.
It is rude to bring guests or even to ask to bring guests. You should decline those events citing houseguests which would allow the host to extend the invite to cover them or say "some other time then". This is standard grown up etiquette, find a book and show him if you must.
If your friends extend an invite to members of your family because they're friends as well, that is no reflection on your favoring one side of the family over the other.
Your DH says that he has a big family and that this is custom for them, for many to stay at a relative's place instead of a hotel, even if some end up sleeping on the floor. His family and DH might completely be comfortable with these arrangements, but that was before DH was married and rules have changed.
You can say: "Hey DH, I gave your family's way a chance - having them sleep over at our place, but in the future I'd like them to stay at a hotel. I can even look up some options as to where they can stay to help with this transition. I enjoy spending time with them, but having everyone stay in a two-bedroom apartment is a little too crowded."
And if you ever move to a place with more bedrooms, you can say that you'd still like to be consulted before they come visit, as to who will stay where. Maybe when you have 3-4 bedroom house, you can still only have 1-2 couples over at a time, and others have to get a hotel (and maybe these guests rotate).
And you're not mean for asserting yourself. Your husband has to respect your wishes too.
Someone just recently gave my husband and I this book because are always trying to please and accommodating others and in the end we end up miserable and people then walk all over us.
Its called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.
I haven't finished it but so far its a great book and I'm getting some insight and ideas to take control
I too had to deal with the same BS. Inlaws sticking in my feet as soon as I got engaged. My fiance' lived alone for a year with out myself or his people around and it wasn't easy to deal with inlaws coming to live with us as we go engaged. I had no privacy, they ate out everything in the house and wouldn't think of replacing it. I felt like that was the beginning of slavery for me. I never really had the house for us alone. Now our wedding is just about 2 months away, i and I felt i need my space. I had every inlaw from mother, sister to brother go their way whether they like me or not. If you don't stop it now it will not get better. Now my fiance' and i can play any where in our house. I can dress how I want when I want at home. He is seeing the real me and is loving it. Ladies put your foot down early
1) You need to talk to your husband about how you feel and that you don't want the people staying at your home. I really don't see the problem if it is short visits, this is how we do it.
2) If DH has checked with the friends and they say it is ok then why do you care? If the friends themselves invite them then again why do you care?
Sounds to me like you don't really like them or you are tired of seeing them all the time.